BY DANIELLE STOLMAN (w/ Matt Perri)
I’m back…and, oh Jeebus, this was a terrible episode…
Hell, even Matt made the poor choice to watch this show and add some of his snark this week.
Matt? You wanna give us the backstory?
MATT: When we last left our heroines, this stuff happened:
- Nikki Bella shocked everyone who thought she was a spoiled, materialistic woman who didn’t care about anything but money and having a super-hot boyfriend…by revealing that she was a spoiled, materialistic woman who didn’t care about anything but money and having a super-hot boyfriend.
- Brie loves Daniel Bryan and wants to settle down but can’t because boutiques. She loves boutiques more than her boyfriend.
- There are no boutiques where Daniel Bryan lives.
- After trashing their in-house seamstress, Cameron and Naomi go to an unauthorized costume shop to get their stuff. Nobody bothers to measure anyone because that’s how WWE rolls. Seamstress owns them and then fixes their stuff. Funkadactyls can’t even beat an old woman.
- In two episodes, Eva Marie disobeys a direct order to color her hair blonde. The hairdresser doesn’t know what “blonde” is and gives her weird blonde streaks. Eva goes apeshit and colors her hair Bright Red. She stays employed. Eva accepts a marriage proposal from her boyfriend and tells JoJo, her Diva roomie, that they’re gonna fuck all day long. Like everything else in her life, JoJo has no idea how to handle this and just shrugs. Eva wants to get to the top, lies to WWE Brass about being a dancer to pair with Fandango (who is actually billed, on the show, as “one of the top WWE Superstars”) and they take her at her word because if WWE Brass doesn’t care about costumes, they certainly don’t care about this. Eva lies to her boyfriend and nearly cheats on him with Fandango at a nightclub, then keeps her job after Stephanie McMahon tells her “never to do that again”.
- LOST makes more sense than any of this.
Will they make better choices this week? Probably not.
San Diego, CA
Nikki’s SUV OF DOOM
The twins are in bikinis (MATT: Somehow, Nikki’s giant boobs are flattened to the point of non-existence) and rolling around, talking about how hot it is but it’s worth it because people here spend money…which Brie says “grows on trees”. But it doesn’t really because, if it did, then you could get all the money you wanted. And tree-cutter guys would totally be rich. What do they call those guys? Neither twin has any idea. And Nikki says she’s stupid because she didn’t do any homework as a kid because of soccer and stupid parents. So she can’t “use big words anymore”. Neither twin can come up with a sufficient name for “landscapers” and Brie laments that having a twin has caused her to create “a special Twin language”. (MATT: And we cut to a completely phony scene where both twins talk like Downs Syndrome on Ex.) Brie takes over Google duties and finds out they’re called, “Palm Tree Trimmers”. Nikki claims victory! But Brie isn’t ready to submit here and she decides to Google it again. (MATT: PLEASE! SPARE US NOTHING!!! This goes on forever like some sort of fucked-up version of “Pulp Fiction” directed by Nancy Meyers. The debate is so intense, Nikki actually takes the time to GOOGLE IT. WHILE DRIVING. ON CAMERA. Hope she has those world-famous cop-convincing boobs ready when she gets pulled over.)
Brie and Daniel’s Home
Brie and Daniel are packing. Brie says it’s tough to be on the road with somebody you love. Brie says their French Bulldog, “Josie”, suffers the most because they’re not around to pay attention to her and you can see her resisting the urge to compare a dog to a child with all her strength. Brie is seriously broken-hearted over Josie. The only time they see her is when they Skype with her. Yes, they SKYPE. WITH A DOG. Anyway, for reasons God couldn’t even fathom, they decide to move to Phoenix to be closer to Josie. Yes. They’re moving. FOR A SMALL DOG who, if she’s intelligent enough to Skype with her human owners, should be finding a job and paying airfare to move to San Diego. But Phoenix is the way they wanna go. Also, SCORE: Brie doesn’t have to move to Washington with Daniel now. He tells her they must tell Nikki and jokingly suggested, “Bitch, we’re moving to Phoenix.” (MATT: Hopefully, Phoenix meets Boutique standards or else it’ll get veto’ed.)
Jon makes fun of Naomi’s hair. And she’s not wearing her engagement ring. She can’t wear it because she’s afraid she’ll lose it being in the business she’s in. Jon doesn’t give a shit. You wear that ring, woman. (MATT: His behavior is pretty disturbing in this episode.) That’s about the long and short of it.
WWE Training Facility
Jojo and Eva Marie are training with Bill DeMott. Eva Marie calls Jo-Jo “a firecracker in the ring” which is so sadly ironic, considering she’s as irrelevant as the color on walls in person (MATT: Or in WWE). Meanwhile, Eva sucks in the ring. (MATT: Nothing’s changed.) Bill tells Eva she must control her body, during which time, Jojo gets hurt. She tells the trainer, “I took my bodyslam and I didn’t tuck my head”. Brian Duncan, WWE Head Athletic Trainer suggests she has a concussion. JoJo worries it’s the end of her training. I don’t get it, football players rack up the concussions and she gets one and she’s worried she’s out on her ass? (MATT: Well, actually, since Benoit, WWE isn’t taking chances.)
El Potro Restaurant
Jon and Trinity are eating and he wants to know why Trinity doesn’t wear her engagement ring while she’s in the ring. Naomi states the obvious and says it’s the Kayfabe thing: they’re supposed to be “single” as competitors. Jon pretends he has no idea what she’s talking about. She assures him that, when they get married, she’ll wear it. “I want to keep our life private and personal,” she claims. When the date is set, she says “it’s official like a referee with a whistle.” (MATT: We’ve discussed and Googled trees, JoJo has a concussion, Jon’s a total dunce and Trinity knows nothing about sports. Ok.)
San Diego, CA
Brie is still scared to tell Nikki about the move to Phoenix (MATT: She can’t lie about the boutique situation. Nikki will Google it and it’ll be a giant shit-storm.). Nikki says she would work out but she “already worked out” (meaning had sex with John). Brie calls TMI but it’s really not. Honestly, cutting to footage of them boffing would be more interesting right now. Nikki needs to look in the mirror to work out to make sure she looks good. Brie states that the Phoenix revelation is hard they have “a special twin bond; it’s a 29-year marriage”. Brie finally rips the Band-Aid off and tells her and Nikki says moving is too extreme, claiming they won’t have friends or even dog-sitters in Phoenix. (MATT: “Dogs don’t exist in Phoenix, Brie!“) Brie counters, saying that their mom and brother live in Phoenix and will watch the dog and they can be there also. “This is totally all-Bryan,” Nikki says, a phrase that apparently has rankled Brie in the past. Nikki worries that Brie will leave her “mailings” behind. Also, Brie has never heard of a change of address form. So, there’s that.
La Jolla, CA
Nikki and Brie have a meeting with the director and producer of their “feature film”, but Brie forgot to attend the thing due to packing with Bryan. John Ryan is the twins’ manager and he’s there with Producer, R. Scott Reid and director Paul Bunch (MATT: A B-movie producer and a short-film director who hasn’t made anything for five years…this meeting will bear fruit, I just know it.) Nikki goes Full Eva, lying to them and tells them that Brie is “parking”. Bunch makes an uncomfortable joke about making extra time on-set for her. Bunch wants to know if they can “do their own stunts” and Nikki just can’t resist and claims she can. Bunch asks about the sisters beating each other up when they were young…what kind of film are we making here, nobody asks.
JoJo and Eva Marie’s hotel room
Well, we saw Eva Marie’s boyfriend so it’s only fair that we meet JoJo’s. His name is “Sebastian”. (MATT: This guy looks like your dorky, lanky friend in high school who never got laid once and spent every Saturday organizing his collection of Captain Power action figures.) JoJo claims he was her first real boyfriend and they’ve known each other since she was 5. (MATT: This explains a great deal.) He’s so worried about her mild injury, he rushed to see her in the hospit–uh, swanky hotel room. She introduces him to Eva Marie as his tag team partner and Eva, who must have been told to jack up the temperature by a Divas producer off-screen, says, “How do you feel about his one with her concussion?” Sebastian says that’s the reason he’s here. But, whatever, they’re off to the beach! (MATT: Concussion?! What concussion?) Eva Marie, suddenly an M.D., says, “and all of a sudden she’s cured!”.
JoJo and Sebastian are at the beach for their “11-month anniversary”. They missed each other and then, they kiss while Sebastian tries his hardest to pretend he’s not gay.
And that’s about how much time is spent with JoJo and Sebastian.
San Diego, CA
MarkShane’s Workout Studio
The Bellas work out with trainer MARKSHANE in his studio. (MATT: Seriously. The guy’s name is MARKSHANE. All one word. Just like THEDEMONKANE except MARKSHANE could actually beat THEDEMONKANE up.) Everyone in this scene is fucking hot and the girls already have amazing figures, so it really feels less like an actual gym session and more like a set-up for a scene on Brazzers.com. Later, Brie wears sparring gloves as Nikki pretends to know how to throw punches. Smartly, Brie taunts Nikki, gushing about how nice the new place in Phoenix is. Nikki’s starts going hard on Brie and says she won’t come help them move but maintains she’s still a nice sister. Nikki continues throwing punches even though Brie says she’s hurting her hand (MATT: Our cat strikes harder than that.) and even calls her “such a baby”.
On Way to Practice
JoJo wants to go and watch people practice and learn from them. Sebastian complains that he wants time with her even though this is his FIRST VISIT since she started training. JoJo asks him not to make her choose between him and wrestling.
MATT: How did this even come to that?! It was, literally this:
I’m gonna go watch people practice.
No, don’t because you have to choose me over them.
Please don’t break up with me.
This guy’s been on the show for 90 seconds, just like JoJo. Why am I supposed to care again?
JoJo and Eva Marie’s Hotel Room
Sebastian still fakes like he cares about stuff and JoJo tells him she can’t choose because this is her career and stuff. “I’m sorry you came all this way just for us to break up,” she says through tears. Then they break up. JoJo fails to cry for the camera and gives a straight-faced, emotionless interview with the same tone as somebody ordering a #7 at McDonald’s. The editing is amateur hour. Sebastian appears to leave with his bag as she cries on the bed, then she looks out at the hallway as he leaves…then he leaves her again but, this time, without his bag. Did he return to steal the towels? Did he come back for re-shoots? (MATT: I’m in tears, remembering all of Sebastian’s greatest moments on the show…like, remember when he showed up? And then they kissed on the beach in that 20-second scene? Then he got all insecure and broke up with JoJo? Such great drama on this show…)
WWE Training Facility
Bill DeMott is watching Naomi and Jon in the ring sparring.When it comes to hitting a Legdrop, Naomi is frightening and explains why: “When I do this move, all my weight comes down on the girl I’m supposed to hit.” Bill tells her that Jon will adjust for it as will her future female opponents. “It’s important to do these moves that other girls can’t do and don’t do,” she says. (MATT: So, essentially the Divas train with the mentality of seductive women who go after married men.) Bill taunts Naomi and tells her that even Eva Marie could do a legdrop. Ouch. Naomi tells Bill, “I love ya’, babe…I’ll break your face.” and then does the drop perfectly but Jon grabs his throat like he’s been hurt. Then Bill mocks her and calls her “indecisive” while Jon gangs up on her and says that Bill “has no idea” and that ever since the wedding planning, “she can’t make her mind up.” (MATT: Sheesh…those women with their vaginas. They can’t do anything right. This whole sequence is insulting.)
Naomi is pissed that he let Bill talk about her like that. He pushes her further with the topic revealing they don’t even have a wedding date yet. Naomi says their work schedule makes planning a wedding too hard, so it’s been delayed. Even though they’re both rich and can afford a dozen wedding planners.
Eva Marie’s car
JoJo wants her career and her boyfriend, Sebastian wants her to choose. JoJo, the hypocrite, admits, “If roles were reversed, I’d want him to come home, too.” Eva Marie thinks she should stay, claiming that they’ve “worked so hard” (MATT: “We’re the best! You sustained a concussion and I nearly got fired for lying to WWE Corporate! You’ve GOT to stay!”) She says it’s selfish to try to ruin your significant other’s dream. JoJo claims she’s not entirely sure what she wants to do. (MATT: So women are either liars or they’re indecisive bitches because men are always right. Is the next episode dedicated to having them all on their periods, demanding chocolate? Can WWE be any more demeaning?)
San Diego, CA
Brie and Daniel’s Apartment
Brie chides Daniel for no reason, “If you’d had to do this move by yourself it would be just five boxes.” Good Sister Nikki shows up to help with a WHOLE BOX. Brie arbitrarily asks if she should leave a red costume unpacked. Nikki claims the red one gives her camel toe due to her boobs. (MATT: Yup. I can confirm this was a moment on Total Divas.) Nikki explains it by smooshing her boobs together while making sure to look right at Daniel who smiles uncomfortably and continues to fold clothes like a sexual harassment victim working at Macy’s. Nikki says her giant boobs pull the top up and grind the material into her crotch. Even Brie is grossed out and says Nikki shouldn’t say “crotch” so Nikki changes it to “vagina”, then repeats the word loudly for some reason. This marks the third time she’s said the word in three episodes so, for those with a drinking game, do a shot now.
Nikki complains they are taking too long to pack while she, herself, does nothing. Brie suggests she and her bad attitude leave for acting so rudely. Can of worms opened, Nikki says Brie’s late appearance to their future Oscar-winning feature film meeting was rude. Brie’s counter is perfect: “my being late was an accident and I apologized…you’re just being a bitch, so go.” Nikki does while taking more parting shots: Daniel “letting” her get a dog with their lifestyle, that she has to be the one to update their Bella website, that they’re moving because of a dog they SKYPE WITH. Nikki and her boobs leave to throw a Google tantrum, researching landscapers. She even slams the door to show she’s serious!
WWE Training Facility
JoJo repeats she will learn by watching even with a concussion. Nattie FINALLY shows up. (MATT: Was she being cut because she wouldn’t talk about camel toe? What’s the deal here?) Natalya is such a great teacher she makes Eva Marie look like CM Punk. Matt will dispute this, I’m sure. (MATT: Nope. I won’t.) Natalya notices JoJo is not watching the ring so she takes her aside to talk. Natalya asks her how she’s doing and if her concussion is giving her problems. Just kidding! She asks if Sebastian has gotten enough quality time with her on his visit. How does Nattie know about Sebastian after spending four seconds with JoJo? Who cares? Natalya tells JoJo she was rejected for 5 years as a wrestler, and that they must compromise or the relationship will fall apart. Furthermore she might lose her boyfriend if she stays in, JoJo walks away in tears. Of course she does. Natalya follows, hugs her and keeps up the conversation. JoJo’s torn over wrestling and a kid who looks like Josh Hartnett’s teenage son. She doesn’t know what to do.
John Cena’s Car
Nikki asks if John looked at her “planet” (a pimple). John tells her she has a temporary skin condition and that’s she’s normal. He, on the other hand, has disgusting toes. Nikki says he is perfect. (MATT: Total Divas Drinking Game – take a shot.) She states she freaked out at Brie and Daniel and John, being smarter than he looks, (but not an especially good boyfriend at the moment) asks, “What this time?” Nikki objects. Cena calmly tells her she has a short fuse and that she knows it. John makes her see that Daniel is not a bad guy and thinking of her (Brie) and him above others including herself is a good idea — he loves Brie and he’s thinking of her and her needs. They talk it out and Nikki seems to see the wisdom of John’s argument.
Naomi is lying on a couch, wrapped in a zebra-striped blanket. (MATT: DAKTARI!) Jon turns on the TV and Naomi says she’s tired. Jon asks if they can talk and when she doesn’t answer takes the remote out of her hands. He complains they have been engaged for two years and she pulls the covers over herself fully with the blanket. He pulls the blanket off her. Naomi raises the good point that she’s only 25 and that she isn’t ready to start having babies the next week. They argue, she thinks he wants everything (marriage, home, kids – immediately) and he just wants her to take a step and set the date. She’s scared of marriage. And that’s that. He’s had enough. “If you were committed to me like you were to this f**king job, we wouldn’t have this problem. That job it won’t be there all the time, I will if you give me a chance”. And then he loses all credibility and sympathy by picking up and throwing a conveniently-placed drinking glass against a wall, leaving with a suitcase in hand. The breaking glass spot feels real. I hope it was. To emphasize how sad this is, Trinity sweeps up the broken glass in bare feet. She claims their relationship is usually all fun and laughter. (MATT: Boy…Jon’s a bit of an asshole. And Naomi, barefoot in the kitchen, cleaning up her husband’s mess is a dark, DARK metaphor for this episode and the series as a whole.)
San Diego, CA
Brie and Daniel’s apartment
This time everything is boxed up. Nikki has come to apologize because Cena made her see the light. Brie is surprised Nikki is apologizing but is happy she is. Brie says she should be more sensitive to Nikki ‘s feelings and should keep her in the loop. Ironically, Daniel made her realize what a big change this would also be for Nikki and for them both. Brie says Nikki should help more with moving, Nikki apologizes for just bring on big box last time. She got it from a place that only had one box left. (MATT: There’s only one store that sold boxes?)
Kansas City, MO
Divas Dressing Room at Raw
Naomi admits to the other Divas that she and her fiance fought a lot over the weekend. The twins tell her sometimes you need fights like theirs to gauge each partner’s level of commitments. Yeah, let him smash glasses and act like a violent douchebag.
Cameron who has been AWOL all episode returns to the dressing room. She’s the walking Plague from The Stand with tonsillitis, and a urinary tract infection and yeast infection from the antibiotics she took. Also, she might be contagious with the tonsillitis, but she has no idea. Nobody knows. She’s on meds and stuff. But she’s here. Everyone is staring. She says she’s been Job for the last week. Nattie says she won’t go near her. Naomi’s pissed and says that she doesn’t want to hear about “Cameron’s diseases down there.”
(MATT: And, at this point, I’m like:)
She doesn’t even want to be there that day, but Jane Geddes SVP Talent Management said they had a match so they had to be here (MATT: Because fuck the entire staff AND the fans.)
The Funkadactyls coincidentally run into Mark Carrano, Senior Director Talent Management. It’s Funkadactyls and Tons of Fun vs Bellas and Usos. Convenient, huh? Naomi begs Mark not to book the match against Jon due to their real-life issues but Mark doesn’t want to hear it and tells her to “check your personal stuff at the door.”
Cameron says she’s feeling terrible. Naomi says may beat Jon up for real. (MATT: What a healthy relationship. Why are these two getting married again?) Mark says suck it up and deal. As an added bonus, this is Noami’s first real match with Jon. “My body is falling apart, your relationship is falling apart,” says Cameron. Naomi says our title line, Planet Funk is Funked Up.” (MATT: WOO-HOO!!! We have a TITLE!!!)
Monday Night RAW
8-Person Mixed Tag Team Match
Nikki, knowing Naomi is fighting with Jon in real life, is all over him, massaging his shoulders prior to the match start. Naomi ain’t happy about this and takes great joy in beating Nikki down hard in the ring, JoJo and Eva Marie are watching at ringside again (MATT: That’s pretty much what they do now…minus JoJo, of course.) and Eva sees the anger translating to the match’s intensity. In one of the best moments this episode offers, Nikki tags Jon in. In a voice-over, Cameron says that, in WWE in a mixed tag team match, men and women aren’t supposed to make contact with each other…but Naomi isn’t going anywhere. She stays in the ring and just stares him down. Jon won’t leave, either. Finally, Naomi blinks and turns around to tag one of the guys…but then turns and rushes at Jon, hitting a Hurricarana. Jon sells it and asks her what she’s playing at. Naomi just walks off and goes to tag keeps asking what she did that for. Tons of Fun and the Funkadactyls win after Brodus hits a splash. However, Naomi’s not happy. This stressed her more and she decides they need to talk.
JoJo says they all looked like they were having the time of their lives in the ring so she’s decided to make a go of it in WWE. She’s going to choose this over him and we get clips of the official break-up. Natalya says it’s the right choice. Right now they need her there, which is probably the first, last and only time JoJo will ever hear that.
Cameron chases Naomi down. Naomi doesn’t want to rush in, Cameron doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to commit to Jon. She admits her last boyfriend, Mike, cheated on her the whole time. She wanted to marry Mike and this ruined her confidence. Talking with Cameron helped a lot. “I realize now that it’s me and things someone else did to me,” She says, “it hurts to realize that that’s what’s happening.”
Naomi finds Jon. She apologizes but he tells her they need a break. They talk more and she explains the story about Mike. Jon semi-quotes Paul Newman on the subject of infidelity when he’s asked why would he want cheeseburgers when he has steak every night. “And you’re steak, girl…you’re Filet Mignon!” Naomi says Jon is her chicken nugget and soon they’re hugging and the relationship lives to see another abusive day.
We get a preview of next week with:
- Divas using breast implants.
- Brie helping Nikki think she’s fat.
- Natalya and TJ arguing over who he spends more attention on, her or the cats, because we haven’t seen every single Diva’s relationship implode yet.
Matt’s gonna do the punch/hug thing this week.
I can’t do that.
I can say:
DIVA I’D HUG: Nattie, for making this show bearable. Also, I’d hug Cena for actually sounding like a sane human being.
DIVA I DISLIKE: Nikki, JoJo, Eva – Nikki’s an ass, JoJo is an uninteresting teenage head case, and Eva is pointless.
That about wraps it up…see ya’ next week!