Well, it’s officially official. This week’s episode of The Bachelor will go down in history as one of the dumbest yet, and that is saying a lot. The level of stupidity and nonsense on this show is normally quite high, but this week’s episode seemed to take the cake (and the rose) as far as pointlessness and confusion go. The endless conversations about absolutely nothing, the many tear-fests and drama about things I don’t even understand as “problems”, and the multitude of scenes and time spent focusing on absolute ridiculousness – it was an avalanche of stupid. My brain still hurts from sitting through it, and the 2-hour episode felt like a week-long event. The level of dumb just kept growing and growing and growing, as did whatever sleeping pills they are putting in Chris Soule’s beverages, because he just gets sleepier and more zombie-like every week. Perhaps it was just being hungover with disappointment after the hilarious takeover by Jimmy Kimmel last week – and now being brought back down to reality with the cruel reminder of what this show really is without Kimmel there to mock it and make me laugh. Sigh. Let us begin …..
This week’s “journey” begins inside Alcohol Palace, where Douche-bag Host Chris Harrison is back at the reins, informing the women of the weeks events. There will be 2 group dates, he says, and only a single one-on-one date, which will be chosen by the 3 sisters of Farm-Boy, who are on their way to visit soon and “interview” each girl to see which one has the honor of a private date with the Dim-Wit. He brings in the first date-card, and then vanishes into the night to do whatever the hell he does during the 1 hour and 57 minutes of the show where he is off-air. (I think he sits in the Fantasy Suite, having himself a bubble-bath with a framed picture of Corn-Husk Boy. He then dissolves into tears at the realization of the emptiness of his life.)
This show is famous for attaching themselves to products and films and other things they can advertise and endorse through dates and other obvious ploys, and this week is no exception. This week’s theme was Cinderella, in order to promote the new version of the classic film by Disney, and it’s premiere. So, it just so happens that our bachelor has 3 sisters (Get it? 3 evil step-sisters?), who now come into Crazy-town Mansion to interview all the girls who are not on the Group Date, and then pick someone to go on the Cinderella-themed date with Cotton-Brain Chris. So, the sisters arrive, and while the other girls await their presence indoors drinking their usual cocktails at 10 am, Jillian and the Bar across her Ass is sunning herself out by the pool. She joins in late, and the sisters take each girl aside and grill them about why they feel they should go on the date with Chris. Minnie Mouse-voice Whitney says a bunch of words that I don’t really take in because her voice makes me want to commit homicide. Britt seems overly confident and also overly sweaty in the face. Carly starts crying and tells the sisters she has never been treated nicely by a man. She talks about how much she loved her grandpa, and then made this bizarre statement: “I want Chris to be like my grandpa.” Jade tells the sisters about her cosmetics company (I think – don’t quote me on that), and about how she comes across as super shy and feels out-of-place sometimes, but really wants to be here. When asked by the sisters if they would move to Iowa, all of the women practically fall over themselves to come up with different versions of “Yes! Of course! It’s my DREAM to live in Bum-fuck Iowa! Who wouldn’t want to move there? Don’t be silly!” The sisters see Jade as some sort of modern-day Cinderella that they can transform, so they choose her. Meanwhile, at the lake …….
GROUP ORGY (Date) AT POINTLESS LAKE:
Going on this group orgy is Kaitlyn, Dumb-ass Megan, Nutjob Onion-Girl Ashley with an S., Juelia, Kardashian-wanna-be virgin-whore Ashley with an I. initial, Samantha, (seriously – do they spend ANY time focusing on this person? I still have no clue who she is), Crazy McKenzie, and Kelsey. The girls get picked up in 2 cars, one which is driven by Farmer Dull. They drive to a lake, and everyone starts getting out and getting fake-excited, as if a lake is anything to get excited about. McKenzie to camera: “Like, oh my god. My favorite place in the world is a lake.” Really? Is it? Your favorite place IN THE WORLD is a lake? I don’t think so. Everyone strips into their bikini and whore gear, and jumps into the lake to swim. Immediately, some of the women begin taking off pieces of their bikinis before jumping into the water. Kaitlyn removes her bottoms to show everyone her ass, before jumping off the raft. Ashley “the I stands for ‘I am a virgin-whore'” takes her top off and jumps. Kelsey stands on the side-lines, pouting about the ridiculousness of this date so far. (although I totally agree with her) “It is not appropriate to just start undressing in front of a guy on this awkward group date scenario”, she says. “This is a date made for bimbos. This is stupid.” Yup. Pretty much on target with that one. Yeast-for-Brains doesn’t seem to mind the nudity though, as he cheers the girls on, yelling “Yeah! Woohoo! Go Kaitlyn!” etc.
After the strip-swim in the lake, everyone plays the dumbest game ever, where they all line up and hold hands and then one person runs into the line, trying to break through it with their body weight. Kelsey sits out of this one too, saying “This is absurd. At various points on this date, I wanted to take a fork and stab it into my eye. ” Me too, Kelsey. Me too. Pea-brain Megan had a different take on the situation. She tells the camera “This is so much fun! I mean, Chris is here with us (No shit! Why wouldn’t he be there with you? That is the whole point of the date, you dolt) and we are all in our bikinis! It’s a perfect day!” I guess Megan and I have very different definitions of what a perfect day is.
Farmer Blah then informs the girls that this date will last until morning, as camping is one of his favorite activities, and they are going to camp out overnight at this lake. Out come the tents, and everyone starts putting them up in partnered groups. Ashley with an I initial makes a funny to the camera with “I’m a camping virgin, and a virgin camping!” Don’t quit your day job, Ashley. Wait – I forgot – you don’t have a day job. As the night goes on, (and on, and on, and on ….) Chris spends private time with some of the girls individually. The other girls build a fire and sit outside acting like complete lunatics. McKenzie asks people if they believe in aliens. Really? Again with the aliens? Cuckoo’s Nest Ashley starts singing something that nobody else understands as human sounds, followed up by hiccuping and “ta ta ta teee tah” vocals. Meanwhile, the private time begins. Kaitlyn and Chris kiss a lot, and then have this amazing dialogue:
Chris: “I mean, this right now. This …. hey, look at that! ” (points at moon in sky)
Kaitlyn: “Yeah. The moon … ”
Kelsey is next, and when she is with Chris, her pouty mood seems to change into “girl who keeps giggling for no apparent reason” girl. She asks him if they are really staying there overnight at the lake, and his response of “well, we aren’t leaving” sends her into fits of hysterical laughter, like that was the funniest sentence she had ever heard.
Whackjob Onion-Girl Ashley S. is up next, and the dialogue between her and Empty Box Brain is almost too weird to describe, but I’ll try:
Her: So what are you?
Her: Like, what are you? I mean, like, I know you’re a Scorpio, but what are you … look at the moon. That’s weird to me. And, like, we’re sitting here. That’s weird to me. Is that weird to you, like …?
Him: Uhh …. well … ummm… I mean … generally speaking, when I’m in Iowa, and the sun is coming up ….
(She randomly starts kissing him, in the middle of his non-sentence. He goes along with it like the puppet he is, letting it happen with zero reaction to it either way.)
Her: Yeah, so I love … you … I love everything about you. I mean, I don’t know. I hope that resonates within your mind tonight. You don’t have to say anything in regards to that. ” Don’t worry, Nutbag. He won’t. She then stares at him for a good 9 seconds of creepy intensity. The other girls sitting by a fire nearby start calling out Chris’s name over and over, to get him to come back to them. He does.
Last up is Ashley Virgin-whore, who puts on her 500th coat of nasty lipgloss, lipstick, and face powder, in preparation for her one-on-one time with Styro-foam Brain. She basically talks nonstop about nothing whatsoever, and then in the middle of her own awful sentence, starts making out with him AGAIN in the most disgusting way possible, opening and closing her mouth over and over and over again. She tells the camera how she wants the group date rose more than any other girl there. The rose goes to Kaitlyn. Nobody is happy.
Once everyone has gone into their tents to go to sleep, Virgin-Whore Ashley decides this is the best moment to inform Farmer that she is a virgin. “Like, most people would never guess that I’m a virgin or that I’ve never had a boyfriend so I just want him to know that”, she tells the camera. She then sneaks over to his tent in the dark, and opens it right up. Again, Farmer Zero has NO reaction to this, other than “Oh. Come here”, which he barely gets out, because he sounds stoned. Ashley begins to ramble on and on to him, never actually using the word virgin, and just baffling the hell out of Kazoo-Brain. Also, when she talks, she sounds like there is about 3 pounds of marbles inside her mouth.”I’m freakin’ innocent,” she says. “Like, I just don’t want you to think I’m something other than what I am, you know, and so, yeah. ” They kiss some more, and grope some more, and she leaves. “I think he gets it”, she says. “I have no idea what she’s saying right now”, says Corn Boy. Whatever. As long as she molests his face some more with her open mouth, that’s all that matters.
PRINCE SNOOZE AND HIS CINDERELLA:
Back at Horny Castle, Jade has been whisked into another room by makeup artists and designers and such, where she makes her transformation into Cinderella for her date, by trying on various ball gowns while all the girls watch with insane jealousy from outside the door. She is given glass slippers and diamond earrings, and told that she gets to take both home with her. Ashley Virgin-Whore is particularly upset that SHE doesn’t get to go on the Cinderella date, because “this is soooo my thing. I’m the Disney princess. Like, that’s what everyone calls me and its my thing. This, like, physically pains me to watch.” A white limo picks Jade up, and she is off to the ball. Chris doesn’t know which girl his sisters have chosen for the date, so when he looks up at the top of the giant staircase and sees Jade there, his bland version of an excited reaction is typical Farmer-Boy. He tells Jade that he is so happy it is her, and that she looks beautiful. The two have a romantic dinner, and use the word “fairy-tale” about 247 times during the night, in their camera interviews. They find out that they have something in common – they have both been engaged before. Chris tells the riveting story of his engagement: “Yeah. We were young, and so, things didn’t work out, and then, we ended things.” Chris tells camera that Jade “has all the right things”, and gives her the rose. He then tells her there is one last surprise. They go through a door into a private ballroom, with a platform in the center for them to dance. There is a live, full orchestra there, and scenes from the movie Cinderella played on a giant screen above them as they did the waltz together. “This is like a fairy-tale”, says Jade. “Chris agrees.”This date is just like a fairy-tale, and I hope I get my fairy-tale ending.” Gag. Jade tells camera “Just like in the fairy-tale, I have to leave at midnight.” They make out and kiss while dancing, and Chris repeats again to camera that Jade has all the right “things”, whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, back at Drunk Mansion, Ashley Virgin-Whore has put on a ball gown of her own, and begun dancing with herself, having a solo fairy-tale evening without her prince. She ends her night by sitting in her dress holding a glass of wine in one hand, and an ear of corn in the other. No, really. Seriously.
GROUP ORGY (Date) GETTING DIRTY:
This date included Nicki, Jillian and the Bar across her giant ass, Minnie-Mouse Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca. Boxes wrapped in ribbon arrive at the mansion for each girl, and they gleefully tear them open to find wedding dresses for each of them to wear. In their new dresses, they take a limo and drink more champagne and wine, because that is ALL THAT THESE PEOPLE DO ON THIS SHOW IS DRINK. They then take a private jet to San Francisco, where Oatmeal-Brain is waiting for them. Then a second limo drives them all to their destination; the MS Muck-Fest; an obstacle course-type-race that includes lots of mud, dirt, running, and climbing. In wedding dresses. They are told that whoever wins the race gets to stay for a private date with Chris that evening, and everyone else will go back in the sad-rejection-limo and go home to drink more. As the race goes on, it is clear from the start that Man-Chick Jillian will win by miles. Carly,on the other hand, has a few classic quotes when discussing the obstacle course, with “I had balls swinging in my face. I gave up after I saw the really big balls.” When Jillian officially wins, leaving everyone else in the dust, Carly tells the camera that she isn’t surprised, because “that chick is a f**kin’ DUDE!” Everyone packs into the sad-limo and leaves.
Jillian and Gerber-Brains head to the rooftop for their romantic setting with the night skyline and dinner. Then Jillian begins talking, and it all goes to shit very fast. Never have I heard anyone talk so much in such a short period of time, about NOTHING. She droned on and on and on and on, and it simply wasn’t ending. Most of her jabber was about how she doesn’t have a 5-year plan for her life and goes with the flow, and then she moved on to her workout routine, and her dad’s fitness routine, and every detail about every fitness competition she has ever been involved in since the beginning of time. Farmer Squash was not only bored to death by all of this, but his yogurt brain couldn’t comprehend what the f**k she was talking about. The only thing that made less sense than what she was saying, was what HE said to the camera in reaction to it.
Quote of the Night:
“When Jillian started talking, I became confused, because her words were coming out faster than my brain could compete. Occasionally, while hearing her words, I began to start thinking a lot of unicorns and dancing fairies. ” What. The. F**k. WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? Bachelor producers -get this man off his sleepy-time pills, and stop feeding him bales of hay – he only has about 14 good brain cells left. The date only goes downhill from there. Jillian asks Farmer the all-important question “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl, or abstain from sex for five years?” He half-laughs, like it’s a chore, and gives no response. Eventually, he takes out the rose and begins the speech where he sends her home. “I feel like we don’t have that chemistry”, he says.”It’s not there for me.” I guess Jillian doesn’t have “all the things” he wants, like Jade does. Jillian and her Adam’s Apple begin to protest and cry to being sent home, but it doesn’t help. He awkwardly hugs her, and sends her on her way. No rose for you!
COCKTAIL PARTY OF DRAMA:
The girls and Farmer Zzzzzz get a couple more hours together before the rose ceremony. Rocks-for-Brains Megan tells camera “I’m here for him, and for him only, and …. and … wait .. I just lost my train of thought.” That train left a long time ago, honey. She pulls him aside for some private time, in which she uses to blindfold him and feed him foods with chocolate, to “test his senses. There are 3 – taste, smell, and I forgot the other one.” He identifies banana and raspberries, and she is very pleased with herself. Personally, I have no clue what the purpose of that game was, but Megan AND Chris both seemed to be under the impression that she had invented it. Apparently nobody else ever , has blindfolded another person and then fed them different foods in a seductive way before.
Meanwhile, Ashley Kardashian is freaking out that Chris didn’t get the message the first time she told him , that she is a virgin, so she decides to pull him aside and tell him AGAIN. When she asks him what he got out of their tent conversation the other night, he says “Well I uhhh …. umm … it was … intriguing. And umm … maybe that you’re uhhh… like, more conservative than you come acrost. ” Yes. He said ACROST. Not across, but ACROST, which is not a word. She says “So the thing is – I’m a virgin.” After a moment of silence in which Chris was probably thinking to himself but you act like such a whore – he tells her that he respects it and everything is fine. When she leaves the conversation, she starts sobbing like a lunatic and wiping her cartoonish eyelashes and caked-on makeup, whining about how “Now he won’t make any moves on me an I know it has to do with the virgin thing.” Nutjob McKenzie tries to comfort her , and then they decide that every single girl needs to know that Ashley is a virgin. (Seriously – why is this even a thing? WHO CARES?) McKenzie breaks the news about Ashley’s virgin status, and Carly’s reaction to camera is priceless: “I’ve seen her make out with Chris 13,000 times. Her mouth isn’t a virgin.” Then Becca tells the girls that, she too, is also a virgin – and that the subject hasn’t come up with Chris yet so it’s no big deal. Kardashian practically trips ACROST the table to fake-bond with Becca over their virgin-status, but Becca wants none of it and turns away, ignoring her.
Britt feels left out of this week’s events, and uses her one on one moments with Chris to tell him that she was confused as to why Kaitlyn keeps getting roses. “I heard about girls taking their clothes off and their tops off, and that maybe that’s why she got the rose, and it’s like … rose, rose, rose, with her , and some of the girls were just wondering why … and like, what the intention there was and ….” Nothing she said made any freakin’ sense to me, as none of it was a complete sentence of any kind, but whatever she was getting at seemed to really piss Chris off , as much as he is capable of having human emotion. He manages to mumble something about “that’s not why she got the rose .. Kaitlyn is … well you know …she is … she has qualities that I ….. and it’s just … ” He thanks Britt for her honesty on this issue, and then gets up quickly and tells the women that he is here to meet his wife. “If anyone feels like they need to question my intentions on that, you’re more than welcome to go home.” He and the Pointless Host-Chris exit together, leaving the women in an even bigger state of confusion than normal.
Juelia is one of the women sent home this week, and he walks her out and they cry together about what a beautiful person she is and how much she has been through. She really does seem very genuine, and I guess at LEAST he didn’t kick her to the curb the same night / week she told him about her husband’s suicide by death, leaving her with an infant daughter. She is clearly well-liked by the other girls in the house, and her goodbye is tearful by many. Crazy-Onion-Girl Ashley is also sent home, because she has served her purpose of playing this season’s nutbag, and now she may go back to her planet. She gives him one last creepy stare and hugs him. She then tells the camera ‘I feel nothing. I have no feelings. ” She then makes an unidentifiable owl-type noise, over and over , and slowly walks out of frame.
NEXT WEEK: Really – does it even matter? I think you know the answer.