‘Scream Queens’ Reaction: I Got 99 Problems and Bitches are Basically All of Them

Earlier, my editor messaged me to ask if I’m reviewing any shows this season. I told him no so he then asked if I could do him a favor. Being a writer with a bit too much time, I said sure. I’m a straight 28-year-old male who hates horror and Ryan Murphy shows (excluding seasons 1 and 2 of Glee–what? I have two ears and a heart). So of course, my editor convinced me to watch Scream Queens. I hate you, Bilal. I hate you so much. I hate horror and I hate Ryan Murphy.

“Do me a favor Terence, can you watch Scream Queens for me?”
“Sure. Of course.”

I hate you, Bilal. (Editor’s Note: I had no idea about any of this – Bilal)

Here are my reactions to the show in chronological order:

1. Ryan Murphy track record of shock shows: Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, definitely not my shtick. Glee? OK. Never watched Popular or The New Normal.
2. Was “Waterfalls” the basic bitch song in 1995? Dunno, I was 8 at the time.
3. Cleanest sorority house I’ve ever seen.
4. Chanel? Her name is Chanel? What’s her middle name? Prada?
5. KKT? Was KKK too on the nose?
6. White Mammy, house slave, not okay.
7. Jamie Lee Curtis, thank god, someone who I don’t already hate.
8. Aren’t we playing a bit too into stereotypes here?
9. Spray Tan Acid, at least that was creative.
10. Nina Pedrad, amazing. I have a feeling the adults will carry this god forsaken show.
11. Diane Sawyer, KKT, lol.
12. Sideboob/White party, amazing.
13. Grace looks like she’s 25.
14. Game of Thrones/Sorority, y’know, except for less nudity, less intelligent writing, less character development, less Emmy’s, so nothing in common.
15. Grace: “Oh, my mom died there! I should definitely join!” I hope she dies first.
16. That is the biggest dorm room I’ve ever seen in my life.
17. Sassy Black roommate stereotype, Jesus, speak more jive Shaft.
18. And be more basic, Grace.
19. Cindy McCain, Megyn Kelly, really? What, no Ann Coulter?
20. Lea Michele? I guess if Ryan Murphy likes you, he likes you. Except you know, this time, her singing can’t cover up whatever drivel this is.
21. Candle Vlogger, points for creativity, Murphy.
22. Chad and Boone, bro-tastic names.
23. Oh psych majors. Us neuro majors laugh.
24. And golf bros. Fuck golf bros.
25. I would actually watch a Michael Bay directed rom-com. Do two explosions having sex make smaller explosions?
26. Though seriously, hippies are the worst.
27. Fatties and ethnics, I think I qualify as both?
28. Wrong way to pronounce “autumnal”, Emma Roberts.
29. Fake coffee place, the guy that takes your order does not make the coffee, be realistic Ryan Murphy.
30. Ok, Grace can’t act, and she looks like she’s 30.
31. Senorita Awesome, ok, and she can’t flirt either.
32. Poop smells like gingerbeer? Really bro?
33. Oh, you write for the school newspaper barista dude? How original.
34. Oooooh, convicted sex offender. Actually original.
35. I feel walking in heels is the only life skill these girls have mastered.
36. Oh, also, the actors playing the student roles are just terrible.
37. WTF WTF WTF
38. I hate you, Bilal.
39. These bitches are playing “face burned off by oil” way too chill. I work in an ER, this is not fucking normal.
40. And these pledges are way too eager to become accomplices to murder #2.
41. Jamie Lee Curtis, cougar, I can see it.