Pay close attention, because I can guarantee that I will never again type these words: This week’s episode of “The Bachelor” was absolutely amazing. Yup. You heard me. Amazing. Why? Because late-night talk show host and comedian Jimmy Kimmel was in charge this week, and he was absolutely hilarious – openly mocking the show and all of its ridiculousness with zero apology. Kimmel is well-known for gently making fun of this show all the time on his own late-night show, where many “Bachelor / Bachelorette” couples have guested and sat on his couch. He has done many parody sketches of the rose ceremony, sat in a hot-tub with many-a-bachelor for comedy sake, and even made endless hilarious comments about what goes on inside the Fantasy Suite. This week, Kimmel played the part of Host Chris Harrison, making Harrison more pointless than usual, if that is even possible. The show began with Farmer-boy Chris snoozing in his bed, and apparently snoring too. A man in a suit arrives with a rose in hand, wakes Farmer Dull out of his deep sleep, and proclaims: “Come on. Wake up. It’s Jimmy Kimmel, and I’m here to help you.” Corn-husk Boy responds with a half-asleep cry of “What the f**k?’ Exactly.
Douchebag Host Chris Harrison then comes into Hormone Mansion, telling the girls “there is a new man in your lives this week.” They squeal with anticipation and confusion, which is their natural state of being. Kimmel enters to massive cries of screaming and giggling, and the hilarity begins. “Hello Sister-Wives”, he begins. “I am here to help Chris make his decision, by making love to each one of you, and then reporting back to Chris.” He then introduces the “Amazing Jar”, which the girls have to put one dollar into, each time they utter the word “amazing” during the week. For anyone who doesn’t follow this silly-ass show regularly, and really, why would you – the word “amazing” is used more than any other word on the show. For the remainder of the episode, a bell sound goes off each time someone says amazing. It is amazing. Kimmel then gives out and writes the date-cards, and even tags along in one of the group dates and one of the one-on-one dates. The results of each are absolutely hilarious. Here comes the madness ….
KAITLYN, DIM-WIT FARMER, AND KIMMEL HAVE A THREESOME :
The first one-on-one date goes to Kaitlyn, and the date-card mentions “an exclusive club”, “members only”, and “endless appetizers.” Both Chris and Kaitlyn are confused as to where their car is taking them, but Kaitlyn guesses maybe a fancy comedy club or hip new restaurant. Instead, they pull up to COSTCO Wholesale Club, and their adventure begins. Kimmel has written them a grocery list of things to buy for when they have him over to Chris’ man-pad later for a dinner party. The list itself is hysterical, with things like mayonnaise and ketchup in massive quantities. The two start shopping through COSTCO and end up having a blast together. “There aren’t many girls who could handle a date like this with such class,” observes Farmer Boy. Okay, take it down a notch, Corn Husk for Brains. It’s COSTCO – not Afghanistan. It’s not THAT big of a sacrifice. After making their purchases and doing a lot of laughing at where they were for their date, the two pack up the car and go back to Penis Castle where they set up for Kimmel’s arrival. They grill steaks, prepare whiskey drinks, appetizers, and more. Chris is enjoying himself so much with Kaitlyn, he tells the camera that he hopes Kimmel doesn’t show up.
Ding-dong! Kimmel arrives with a house-warming gift and lots of jokes. His advice to Chris? “Try to have sex with everyone on the show.” To her credit, Kaitlyn is laughing like hell throughout the entire night, and is having a great time with this. She herself has a pretty good sense of humor, so Kimmel’s comments all go over quite well. When he brings up the topic of the fantasy suite, asking Kaitlyn if she would be upset to learn that Chris had slept with 2 other women in the suite, before choosing her – she said “not at all. How could I be? That is the nature of what this is.” Kimmel retorts to Chris: “You can’t do much better than that.” When Chris and Kaitlyn start kissing , Kimmel sits right there watching them. Toward the end of the night, he says: “Let’s have a threesome. Come on, guys.” Chris replies with: “Let me get the ketchup.” My favorite part of this date was when Kimmel handed the rose to Chris, who then handed it to Kaitlyn, as he began giving his speech about why he is giving her the rose. Kimmel stops him about 10 words in, saying matter-of-factly: “No. This is terrible so far. Start over. This speech is awful. ” She accepts the rose, and the three of them sit in a jacuzzi together under the stars.
GROUP ORGY (I MEAN, DATE) WITH TWELVE HORNDOGS, PLUS KIMMEL:
The group date is up next, and it includes a ridiculous amount of women. Twelve, to be exact. Is this a date or a baseball team? Going on this date are Britt, Becca, Jillian and her Ass, Tracy (still no clue who the f**k this person is), Weird MacKenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Crazy Onion-Girl Ashley with an S. initial, Juelia, Samantha, (who?), Nikki, (no clue), and Carly. Oh, and the Farmer. And Kimmel. Hell, let’s bring along Brad and Angie’s clan, and maybe The Von Trapp Family, too, just for kicks.
The date card says they will be hanging out with “party animals”, so of course, it is farm-related. From second one, it is obvious that the entire purpose of this date is to humiliate these women and watch them do things that are silly, vaguely disgusting, and offensive without being obvious about it. So, because I feel like anyone that goes on this show deserves this type of manipulation, I found it hilarious. Kimmel explained the obstacle course they would go on, or the “Ho Down Throw-Down”, as they called it. It included corn-shucking, a chicken pen clean-up, cracking a fresh egg into a pan without getting shells in it, milking goats, and then drinking the milk. Now, why in the hell would they need to drink goat’s milk unless it was to be vaguely sexual and catch them on camera making comments such as : “This goat’s milk is going down my throat” (Carly), “It’s so salty and warm , it’s not what I want in my mouth” (Amber), and “it tastes like protein.” (Kelsey) Riiiiiiight. And …. eeewww. Meanwhile, as the girls are practically vomiting at the thought of drinking the milk that they just … well … milked … Kimmel is yelling “Drink it! Swig it!” At the last second, Jillian and her floss-sized shorts and her Ass jump the fence and practically knock Carly over, but Carly wins anyway. What does she win for all this humiliation? One on one time with Chris? A rose? Some cash? Nope. She and Chris do a lame photo shoot in the style of the famous painting “American Gothic.” Wow. What a rip-off. She really shouldn’t have swallowed.
HORNY LITTLE THINGS:
The rest of the group date is everyone hanging out at night, for some sort of cocktail party type deal outside. Carly takes Dim-wit aside first and practically attacks him with the line of the night: “You are a man, and I am a woman. So I thought I’d take advantage .” And with that, her tongue is in his mouth and they are kissing like two desperate morons on a reality show. Next up is Amber, who uses her time to dance with Farmer Boy, then pulls him in and begins kissing him. Chris is like a ragdoll. He just follows along with whatever the girls do to him or with him. He is like a puppet. Up next is Weirdo MacKenzie, who starts off with this zinger: “So, remember how we kissed?” Blank Slate responds with “Mmmhmmm….”. She continues creepily: “Well, why are you kissing everyone else too?” Yeah, Chris. Why? His response is as follows: “Well, it’s … see …it’s a good question … I’m uhhh …. I don’t know .. I guess it’s like … ” What’s the matter, Chris? Do you need some help from Daddy Harrison again? Can’t answer a simple question without getting that lifeline? He finally manages to mumble some crap about “I guess I just feel like it’s not right if I don’t just … like … just be who I am and put myself out there.” “Yeah”, she says flatly. AWKWARD!!! Last but not least is Becca, who uses her time with Dullard to talk and do some hugging and holding. She tells him she wants to kiss him but feels they should wait, and he stares blankly as she pours her heart out with her life story. After kissing a bunch of women, he gives the group date rose to Becca. She gives good hug.
After the group date humiliation, we were treated to the usual set of naked shots of Farmer Boy – sunning himself, working out, and then once again soaping himself up in the shower. This time though, he had company. Kimmel was showering next to him, and the two were cleaning one another as Kimmel explained that they “have each other’s back.” So funny, and oddly, a little bit hot.
Whitney, who has the voice of Minnie Mouse, got the second one-on-one date, which began at an outdoor winery. The two sat sipping wine and having riveting dialogue such as this:
Her: “I always meet people at airports. And then I Facebook friend them. ”
Him: “Yeah. And I get that. I sense that, that’s just … you’re genuine like that. ” Dude, what the F**K are you talking about??? Are you smokin’ those corn husks again? Here’s some more of their brilliance:
Him: “I think I just ate some of your hair.”
Her: “Hmmm. Was it very good?”
Him: “Umm. Yeah. (laughs) ummm. …. What’s goin’ on down there? ”
Her: “A wedding? Let’s crash it. Let’s do it. Come on. YOLO!”
Him: “(laughs) Yolo. Yeah.”
Next thing you know, the two are dressed up , with a gift, and in a limo – prepping to crash this wedding reception for fun. They decide that if anyone at the wedding recognizes Chris as The Bachelor, they will say the show is done filming and that they got engaged. Hilariously, turns out nobody gives a shit, because not one person recognizes him or asks anything. They blend into the crowd easily, they dance with the bride and groom and other guests, and Chris does the most embarrassing “white man” dancing I have ever seen in my entire life. They slow dance, and kiss a lot on the dance floor. Whitney tells the camera how into Chris she is, and he seems to feel the same. “I can imagine Whitney being my wife”, he says. He gives her the rose, and she of course, accepts.
HOLY CRAP – IS THIS SHIT OVER YET???
Next up , Kimmel comes into Alcoholics Mansion and tells the girls that there will be no cocktail party tonight. They flip out. He quickly says: “There will be a POOL party!” Ashley with the I. initial starts whining about how she really wanted to do her “Kardashian look” tonight, and now she can’t because it’s a pool party. Meanwhile, Juelia pulls Chris aside to have some private time with him, to finish telling him how she became widowed with a baby daughter, when her husband died by suicide. She tells him the details of how it happened, and it’s heartbreaking. He suffered with mental illness, but she didn’t know how serious it was until after they married. They had their first baby, and he became distant and strange and very overwhelmed. One night he told her he had a gun and that he had written a suicide note, and she got scared and left. The next morning she got a text from him saying “I love you. I’m sorry”, and she got a sinking feeling that it had just happened, that he had just ended his life. She cried on Chris’s shoulder and told the story, and he comforted her and was really good about it. He was definitely better than I pictured him being. The producers must have trained him and given him lines of what to say and how to react when she tells him, because there’s no way that McConaghey wanna-be came up with that dialogue on his own. No way.
Meanwhile, back in whiny-ville, Ashley with an I. initial is still whining about how “Jillian and Britt will be all over him today.” Britt takes him aside and shoves her tongue in his dumb mouth while he is in mid-sentence. He doesn’t seem to mind. Then Jade takes him aside and asks him for a tour of his man-pad-fake-home. Jillian has a plan to go wait in his hot tub, so that when he gets out of the house, she will be sitting there all wet and ready for him. Jade and Cauliflower Brain test out the bed by jumping into it, and then making out while lying in it. Meanwhile, Jillian awaits in the hot tub like a stalker …….
Ashley with an I. initial collects shit-for-brains (Megan) and Wack-a-doodle (McKenzie), and the three geniuses devise a plan to go into the hot tub together , with Jillian and Chris. Chris and Jade come out of the house. Jillian says “I’ve been waiting for you. The water is nice and warm, come on in.” Jade leaves, and Chris gets into the tub with Jillian and her Ass. The three amigos come in, saying “we’re joining you”, to which Jillian retorts: “Okay, but I’ve only had, like, 2 minutes with him so far. Like, literally 2 minutes.” Ashley with an I. initial decides to leave with the other 2, and come back in 10 minutes or so after giving her the private time with Doofus. The three go sit by a brickwall nearby, watching Chris and Jillian make out in the hot tub. This dialogue happens:
Megan: “How do I look? Do I look, like, cracky?”
Ashley: “You look good. not cracky at all.”
McKenzie: “Like, cracky, like a crackwhore?” Seriously, where do they find these women???
Finally, the three re-enter the hot tub, but Jillian still doesn’t leave, and continues to flirt with Chris and sit next to him in the tub. The girls get out of the hot tub again, and Ashley with an I. initial whines and cries again into camera: “It’s not fairrrrr!!!! She already got her alone time with him and I didn’t and … and … and ..” She wipes the mascara from her eyes dramatically. Later, Corn Husk comes looking for her and they finally get their alone time, which Ashley uses to cry AGAIN about Jillian sitting in the hot Tub. HOLY SHIT, GET OVER IT ALREADY!!! Then she stops crying and kisses him violently out of nowhere, all horny-like. He reacts like the puppet that he is, and plays along.
ROSE CEREMONY – FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Host Harrison and Kimmel both give Farmer Dull a pep-talk before the rose ceremony. Kimmel’s advice is stellar. He tells him: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” Harrison’s advice? “Go do your thing.” Brilliant. How does anyone live their life without this guy? He’s like the Maya Angelou of reality television.
The rose ceremony begins. Comments by some of the women to camera include Megan saying for no reason: “I feel so unsafe.” Huh??? Crazy Onion-Girl Ashley with an S, who they havent even MENTIONED this week at all, after making her out to be the biggest nutbag ever last week, gets a rose from Chris, and stares at him in the creepiest way ever. Ashley with an I. initial gets the last rose, and practically faints out of relief. Kimmel comes out and gives Harrison’s usual line: “This is the final rose tonight. Chris – ladies – when you’re ready.” Harrison , holding onto a small shred of dignity, does get to say one line this week, which is: “If you did not get a rose, please say your goodbyes.”
Farmer sends 3 girls home, and I have no clue who two of them even are. The third one is Amber, who goes home because she is black. Nobody will TELL you that, of course, but every single season on this show – they toss in one or two african-americans for the usually white bachelor, and every single season, they are gone somewhere around episode 3. Every. Single. Time. Goodbye Amber. You made it further than most. But he did get rid of your ass on Martin Luther King Day. Cruel. Just cruel.
The last scene was my favorite part of the whole episode. I couldn’t stop laughing. It showed Host Harrison telling Jimmy Kimmel: “Say your final goodbyes.” Kimmel dramatically says “goodbye” to Harrison, then gets in the sad-rejection-limo, as if “eliminated.” He starts to mock-sob from the back of the limo, just like the girls always do after getting eliminated. “I just … I don’t understand. I thought we had a connection. I knew him for FOUR WHOLE DAYS! I just want to find love. Why did he send me home?” The limo driver rolls down the partition and gives him some kleenex. “These are good tissues”, Kimmel says, and he gives one final, achingly loud sob, as the limo drives away.
NEXT WEEK: No clue what happens next week, but I want Jimmy Kimmel on this show the entire season. Please???