Every day this week we will recap each film of the official James Bond franchise (discounting “Never Say Never Again” and the 1967 version of “Casino Royale” — sorry, completists), leading up to our review of “Spectre”. Take a journey with us (and be prepared to be “shaken, not stirred” — yeah, you had to see that joke coming) as we take a look back at over 50 years of James Bond!
Today, we look back at…
DR. NO (1962)
Which one was this again?
What the poster says: “THE FIRST JAMES BOND FILM!”
Or, perhaps more memorably, the one with Ursula Andress as “Honey Ryder”…RAAAAWR:
Best scene:
Bond at his best: ice-cold and deadly. Bond knows he’s being stalked by an assassin, so he sets up his villa to make it look like he’s gone to bed for the evening. When the assassin enters and shoots at pillows covered in sheets, Bond emerges and starts questioning the man. When the man tries to trick Bond by quickly picking up his dropped weapon, only to dry-click when he pulls the trigger, Bond smugly intones, “That’s a Smith & Wesson…and you’ve had your six.” He pulls the trigger, killing his assailant before calmly taking the silencer off his gun and retiring for the night.
The opening scene of 2006’s Casino Royale seems to pay homage to this scene: when Bond’s superior attempts the same trick, he tells Bond, “It’s a shame…we barely got to know each other.” After dry-clicking, Bond comes back with “I know where you keep your gun…suppose that’s something.”
Best line:
We’ll go classic here:
Bond: I admire your courage, Miss…? Sylvia: Trench. Sylvia Trench. I admire your luck, Mr…?’ Bond: Bond…James Bond.
Actual best line:
James Bond: Moneypenny! What gives? Miss Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement. You’ve never taken me to dinner looking like this. You’ve never taken me to dinner… James Bond: I would, you know. Only “M” would have me court-martialed for…’illegal use of government property’. Miss Moneypenny: Flattery will get you nowhere – but don’t stop trying.
Personal recollections:
The best way I’d describe Dr. No is as follows: had I been introduced to James Bond with this film, I might not have seen the rest of the James Bond films. My first introduction to the franchise wasn’t until the mid-80’s when my Mom showed my brother and I Octopussy starring then-James Bond, Roger Moore. Back then, the goofy gadgets (a digital watch with a GPS tracker, a mini-plane that could be folded up and put inside a horse trailer, etc.) were in full use. The action set pieces were top-notch. So imagine, all those years later, my first viewing of Dr. No: basic, no gadgets to speak of, bursts of down-to-earth action (mainly fist-fights) and dialogue that would have flown far over my head. Nope. Just nope. Seeing it now, yeah, the movie’s compelling. It’s fun and the sets are top-notch (Dr. No’s aquarium lair is stunning even to this day) and the plot and scenery is your typical exotic James Bond adventure. But had I seen Dr. No first, I probably wouldn’t have been so into the series on the whole.
Other interesting things you might not have known:
Ian Fleming, James Bond’s creator and author of the books the films were based on, hated the film, calling it, “Dreadful”.
The famous scene with the tarantula in Bond’s bed was done with a stuntman as Sean Connery was afraid of spiders. Bob Simmons, the stuntman involved in the shot, called it “one of the scariest stunts I’ve ever done.”
Ian Fleming wanted his cousin, the late celebrated actor Christopher Lee, to play “Dr. No”. Lee declined, so Fleming turned to Noel Coward who also declined, citing that he didn’t want to play a goofy villain with with metal hands. Casting directors turn to Max von Sydow — but Sydow turned down the part to play Jesus in The Greatest Story Ever Told. Lee and Sydow would, eventually, put their stamp on the Bond franchise, playing villains Scaramanga (in The Man With the Golden Gun) and Blofeld (in Never Say Never Again), respectively.
The reason Dr. No (and not the first, actual James Bond adventure, Casino Royale) was chosen was because the producers thought it was the most straight-forward and least expensive film they could make.
Due to Ursula Andress’s famous bikini scene, bikini sales skyrocketed. That bikini would sell for 41,000 UK pounds almost 40 years later at Christie’s Auction in London. No affordable clones were available in stores as the bikini’s top was actually a bra purchased at Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and was modified by costume designer Tessa Welborn.
The famous “Gun Barrel Opening”, seen in numerous variations throughout the series, was designed at the last minute by Maurice Binder. He fit a pinhole camera inside an actual gun barrel to complete the shot. Sean Connery did not play Bond in this shot and would not until 1965’s Thunderball.
Jack Lord, who played Bond’s CIA counterpart Felix Leiter, would be replaced in the role by Cec Linder because producers felt that he was overshadowing Bond. Lord also reportedly demanded more money and screen time as well as equal billing with Sean Connery. After Lord was replaced, he would go on to play the famous role of “Steve McGarrett” in the original Hawaii Five-O. Similar to James Bond character, the role of Leiter has been played by eight different actors across ten different Bond films.
Join us tomorrow when we cover From Russia With Love!
You get a new costume! You get a new costume! We all get new costumes!
Season 4, Episode 1: “Green Arrow” Original Air Date: October 7th, 2015 Grade: C-
If you thought that I was harsh when it came to reviewing The Flash’s season premiere, you might be disappointed in my review of Arrow’s return venture. It’s not that “Green Arrow” is a horrible episode. It has a lot going for it. There have certainly been worse Arrow episodes. I’m only harsh in the same way a disappointed parent would be: I know that Arrow can be so much better.
When the episodes starts we’re treated to sweet, domestic moments between Oliver and Felicity. Or as the internet calls them, “Olicity.” This one ship I can’t sail on. There are so many reasons they don’t work for me, chief among them being Felicity is too good for Oliver, but I won’t go into that rant on the first review. For the time being, I can grudgingly accept their romance. Felicity does her damnedest to be good at the suburban life, even trying her hand at cooking (and wasting) several omelettes. (Uhm, Felicity? Where are all of your omelette good bits? The bacon? The mushrooms? The peppers?) Oliver cheerily tells her she has “failed this omelette” and 2 minutes in, I’m already rolling my eyes. Oliver starts making his own omelette because he’s Oliver and he’s perfect at everything. Seriously, Felicity. You know who would have eaten that omelette and not been such a dick? Ray Palmer.
Okay, I said I wouldn’t get into this.
Things aren’t so upbeat in Starling City (is it Star City now?) but that doesn’t mean they’re lacking on the cringe. Diggle, Laurel, and Thea are out fighting a new group of organized thugs who have been dubbed, “Ghosts.” Thea is kind of adorably excited to be fighting the baddies. Guys, how am I supposed to take this show seriously when Diggle is running around with a Dollar General knockoff of Magneto’s helmet? Is that is STRAP in the back? Can a dude get a costume that was MADE to fit him?
But Thea’s costume looks cool and thank someone in that costume department that Laurel dumped the stupid blonde wig that made her hair two shades lighter.
Can we please have a frank discussion about the costume situation over at Team Arrow? I’m willing to suspend belief as much as the next person, but come on. Eye makeup and hoodies are good enough for everyone EXCEPT Diggle? Naw, dawg. They might recognize the only black dude in all of Star City. Back of his head is okay to be uncovered though. I realize there’s talk of him becoming The Guardian and I’m so excited for him to have a bigger role (he deserves it), but this in-between costume is atrocious.
Back to the review.
Things are bad in Star City. The Ghosts have threatened the lives of the city’s leadership (four people?), Dum Dum Dugan is parading around as a bad guy in the wrong comic book universe, and Diggle doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. Laurel and Thea go to Oliver for help and after throwing a tantrum, he agrees to be the Arrow BUT JUST THIS ONE TIME. Then it’s back to brunch with mimosas. He gets to the Team Arrow headquarters where Thea tells him they have no evidence or data on the Ghosts and he’s like, “What kind of B-Team operation y’all got going on down here?” That tidbit is made worse by the fact that we learn Felicity has been working with Team Arrow on key issues. Felicity, I know you have organization skills, filing cabinets, external hard drives in your purse, don’t play me like you don’t have evidence on these fools after 5 months.
Diggle and Oliver have a moment and in about 13 seconds Felicity is all, “I hacked their website. They stole bombs. Teehee.” Yea, definitely how that works, you guys. Team Arrow goes super undercover to the last known location of the Ghosts’ stolen bombs and what do you know? Buck Compton is giving an inspirational speech to his Foot Ninjas, I mean, Ghosts, in which he kills one of them with superhuman powers. Oh, wait, I’m sorry. With mystical powers. He’s not a metahuman, guys. Oliver knows. He’s seen things.
This is why people hate you, Oliver, you smug, beautiful bastard.
Team Arrow learns that our new baddie wants to blow up Star City’s new train station. A TRAIN STATION, Y’ALL. YEEHAW. SADDLE UP AN’ FIGHT THEM OUTLAWS, GANG.
When I roll into the (Wild Wild West) When I stroll into the (Wild Wild West) When I bounce into the (Wild Wild West)
Star City Police Department, the best of the best when it comes to police work, decides to sweep the station for bombs. With people there. Look, I’m no expert when it comes to bomb threats, I’m certainly no Irving, Texas police officer, but shouldn’t you… Oh, I don’t know, evacuate the site of a potential explosion? I mean, it’s 5 minutes until kaboom hour and Laurel and Papa Lance are like OH SHIT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE. Things really have gone to shit in Star City without Oliver.
There’s an anticlimactic fight on the train in which we learn that one, Oliver totally needs to be doing more of those special pull ups and two, Neal McDonough is none other than…Damien Darhk. Dun dun duuuuuuuuunnnnn. Oliver blows up the train, causing zero damage to the buildings near the rail because they’re protected by the same masks Diggle wears for protection.
Speaking of Diggle, he gives Oliver an impassioned speech about how he should have known better than to think that Oliver could love and trust someone. Oliver wants to be all, “Well, I almost proposed to Felicity so what now? WHO’S THE ONE WITHOUT FEELINGS?” But instead, Oliver, sigh, gets on TV to tell the world he’s the Green Arrow. That whole speech was like if Batman just showed up and was like, “No, no, no. I’m not Batman. I’m Blue Batman. You see? WE ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.” Are you kidding me? Okay, you know what? You just got half a grade knocked off for that nonsense, Oliver.
You know who else has upped his nonsense game? Papa Lance. Going over to the Darhk side? What kind of influence could Damien possibly have over him? I am interested in learning that tidbit.
Meanwhile, in the past, Amanda Waller tells Oliver to embrace his “darkness” (groan) and sends him back to Lian Yu. I want to like the flashbacks but in recent seasons they’ve tried too hard to be existential and poignant and revealing about Oliver’s character and instead they are 30 seconds of blah. Maybe if they weren’t only a minute each they’d have more of an impact on me, but personally, they fall flat.
THEN we’re treated to a trip forward in the timeline. Six months from now, Oliver is at someone’s grave. Barry Allen shows up. Late. God, Barry. Would it kill you to be on time for once in your life? We don’t see the gravestone, presumably because the CW gets off on withholding.
Thoughts:
Laurel is just laughably bad at this point. Papa Lance isn’t much better, even with the potential for a better arc for him this year.
Thea wasn’t great this episode, but I’m more forgiving of her because she’s been so fantastic in the past. That being said, I hope they don’t go down the whole Roy 2.0 road with her.
Domestic Oliver is kind of cute. Certainly better than mopey Oliver.
How many “Darhkness” puns do you think they’ll make through the year? How many do you think *I’ll* make? (Too many.)
Diggle and Felicity remain the best parts of the show and they deserve their spotlight. I can’t wait for Diggle to be more center stage and if he takes on The Guardian role, I will be so happy. Maybe they’ll even pull a dead Andy out of a magician’s hat to give him a new H.I.V.E. villain to face.
Whose gravestone do we think that is? My guess? Papa Lance. I know they *want* us to think it’s Felicity but they’ve already done the whole, “I got my love killed” twice now. Please not again. Besides, I would think that Barry would at least be on time to Felicity’s funeral. Him being late points to signs that the person isn’t that important to Barry. Right? RIGHT?
I’m Terence. I’m being forced to watch ‘Scream Queens’. Let’s recap what’s happened so far.
Episode 1&2: Red Devil seems to be seeking revenge for a death at the worst sorority ever. Ariana Grande dies. Nick Jonas doesn’t die.
Episode 3: People died? Also, there were two Red Devils. Oh, and the new school mascot died, which was a huge ice cream cone.
Everyone caught up? Cool. Let’s start shall we?
1. Hah, 752 Instagram followers. Your shit is weak, Chanel.
2. Also, fuck emojis.
3. Oh gee, sorority girls love Halloween? What a surprise?
4. I like that they specified the “Gregorian” calendar. I wasn’t aware Greek life used the Mayan Calendar as a standard.
5. Oof, the dig at nursing schools. Uncalled for.
6. Chanel-o-ween? Couldn’t the writers think of anything better?
7. Okay, I tried thinking of something better, didn’t come up. Well played.
8. I wonder how the actresses they hired to play her followers felt about this.
9. Well, at least she’s honest about her intentions.
10. This is like reverse Oprah. She’s thin, white, and horrible.
11. Okay, the fake magazine covers were kinda great.
12. Of course JLC is innocent, duh. Get your shit together.
13. Jamie Lee Curtis, never change. Your use of logic is probably the only thing that’s funny.
14. Faculty Halloween party, sure nothing will go wrong.
15. Once again, Niecy Nash is a revelation. The adults carry this show. Love live Denise Henfield.
16. Dude, get a hint. She’s not into you.
17. Can’t you pick a better rom-com than “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days”?
18. How the fuck is that a classic?!
19. “How did you know?” Because she’s not a fucking idiot like the students in this show.
20. I don’t hate the McConauhey impression. First decent thing that character has done.
21. Human sausage, fuck, that’s dark.
22. Can we just have Jamie Lee Curtis take over this entire show? It’s obvious she has more talent in her pinky than the rest of the cast.
23. The baby was a girl, gee, ya think? GUESS WHAT. IT’S YOU GRACE.
24. Didn’t we all have that figured out in the pilot?
25. Where was black British dude in the pilot?
26. Is house president really a thing? You run for this crap?
27. Eradicating sickle cell anemia….uh, it’s a genetic disease.
28. Hurricane Andrew pumpkin, by far the winner.
29. Ugh, Grace and her stupid fucking hat.
30. Hot cup of “tellinitlikeitis”. And then she drops ‘behoove’ in there. Some interesting writing.
31. Pretty sure that’s not how you sharpen knives.
32. Ugh, Obama is the worst. It’s his fault ‘Scream Queens’ is on the air.
33. Black hairy tongue? What in the actual fuck.
34. Oh, don’t go answer the door. Are you seriously that dumb?
35. Okay, this is the dumbest adult on this show, by far.
36. Pretty sure the Red Devil and Batman went to the same ninja school.
37. When Lea Michele isn’t singing, she is much more annoying, and her acting is terrible.
38. I wish any one of those horrible things happened to the students in this cast.
39. Sigh, at least Chad is up front about what he wants, unlike the rest of these idiots.
40. Anal jokes on Fox? Damn son, standards and practices has come a long way.
41. This is the worst film studies class ever. All terrible horror movies.
42. Wes, stop talking. Please.
43. Yes Grace, you’re so special. You’re the chosen one.
44. Crazy Gracie, I like that.
45. Also, I guess that would make Grace two years older, rough awakening for her.
46. I like Grace a lot more without the hats. I don’t know why.
47. Ok, now I like those two better.
48. The Hag on Shady Lane, sounds like a song from the Civil War.
49. At least ‘Scream Queens’ is pro-library. What, that’s a thing right?
50. “More like raise the body count…with MURDER.” Anyone else saying that line would make it awful, but thank god for you Niecy Nash.
51. Ohhhhh SNAP!!! Denise pledged at Kappa?!?! TWIST!!!
52. Rejected and dropped out of school? A bit harsh.
53. I want to work at Secure Enforcement Solutions.
54. God, not everything is about you Zayday.
55. This is true, the haunted house is just an obvious trap.
56. Damn. The Chanels are getting deep into their psyches. Respect.
57. That’s fucking disgusting. Please tell me that’s not real thing, eating cottonballs.
58. Feminist bombs being dropped.
59. “Attack my crack.” Thank you Fox for teaching me new euphemisms for anal.
60. Chad, dropping the candle conservation tips.
61. Hester, just got a Scarlet Letter flashback.
62. GODDAMMIT!
63. I hate you, Bilal.
64. Well, at least Ariana Grande is actually dead. Thank god.
65. All these students are just the dumbest. The fucking worst.
66. Damn, throwing in the lessons right now.
67. Zayday won’t die. Too obvious.
68. How are police so dumb in this show?
69. Adults in the kitchen. Finally, maybe a well-acted scene.
70. Pete, jesus mate, give it a rest.
71. Grace, again with that hat. Where does she store all these things?
72. Oh, Grace has a theory? Let me guess, it’s terrible.
73. Milkmen in 1995, good observation Pete.
74. Oh gee, you have to find the hag. Couldn’t have seen that coming.
75. OH SHIT!!!
76. DAMMIT GIGI!!!!
Ok, I actually didn’t see that coming. Watch with me next week as we go through this whole painful process again. Carry me Jamie Lee, carry me with your talent.
This week’s episode of Dancing With the Stars is the one that will make everybody cry like an infant. Yup. You guessed it. It is the one called “Most Memorable Year,” where each of the stars chooses a song that represents the most memorable year of their life. The stories are always filled with high emotion, victories and tragedies, and the tears are always flowing from everyone. This season is no different, and the crying was endless and nonstop. Even host Tom Bergeron got into the spirit of “emotional” by not being there at all, so that he could instead be at his ailing dad’s bedside. Filling in for Tommy was last year’s champion Alfonso Ribiero, who looked shockingly small standing next to co-host Erin Andrews. Let us begin the waterworks …
Alexa / Mark: She chose the year 2000, which was the year she booked her starring role on Spy Kids. In the background piece, she talked about how her mom held the family together, and how much she admired her being a single mom. She used to blast the song “Mama Said” when they were kids and dance around, so that is the song she chose for their Foxtrot. She made a misstep in the dance, but it was a lovely start to the evening anyway. Julianne called it a “brilliant concept.” Scores were 7/7/7. Judge Len Goodman was at home pooping in his Depends.
Gary / Anna: The year was 1979, and Gary got his first Oscar nomination for The Buddy Holly Story. That film catapulted his career into becoming a star, and then he also talked about the brain trauma injury he received in 1988, after a severe motorcycle accident while riding without a helmet. His brother said “we could have lost him.” Their dance, although well-intentioned, was kind of all over the place, and those bizarre glasses and wig weren’t doing him any favors either. I know he was supposed to be portraying Buddy Holly, but it was a bit too cartoonish, and the dance was kind of a mess. Bruno said “there is nothing average about you, dahling!”, whatever that means. Carrie Ann said she felt his spirit, but there was no improvement. To which Gary responded: “You gotta look with your eyes open!” To which Carrie Ann said: “Okay Ill try that next time.” To which Gary said: “Do it now!” Scores were 5/6/5, which I think were maybe a tad harsh. Then again, it was kind of a mess.
Tamar / Val: They chose a Rumba, and the year 2012, where everything changed for Tamar and her family. Her husband Vince was rushed to hospital with blood clots, and ended up in a coma and in the hospital for 40 days. He was near death and she wasn’t sure if he would make it. They decided that if he made it, they would start their family. Three months after he was released from the hospital, she became pregnant, and now she is grateful for their miracle child and for her husband surviving. The dance was so beautiful and flowing, although I still felt like she had “dead eyes.” But it was really gorgeous otherwise. Carrie Ann said “you reached into my soul with that one.” Julianne said “I have never seen you more beautiful than tonight.” After the dance, Tamar ran into her husbands arms, who was sitting in the audience watching. Scores were high at 9/9/9. Len was at home drinking prune juice.
Hayes / Emma: I still don’t get what this kid does. He makes 6 second videos on VINE. I watched a few of them and I don’t get it. Why are these popular? He has millions of followers. I think it’s a pre-teen girl thing, where they just find him cute and want to marry him. This kid has the kind of crazy fans that the Beatles had in their day – he tours the country to screaming girls. What the hell does this kid DO on tour? I’m so confused as to why this is a thing. Anyway, his year choice was last year, 2014, because that is when his first viral video happened. Overnight, he went from having 20 followers to over 100, 000. It changed his life. For some reason, they decided to show that with a song whose lyrics are about a horrible breakup. That song choice made no sense to me, but their dance was excellent. Definitely his strongest by far. Julianne was shocked. “What just happened? You broke out of that shell you’ve been living in!” Bruno yelled “Get out of here! What was that?” Anotherwords, he loved it. Scores were 9/9/9.
Alex / Lindsay: In the year 2015, things started out normally for Alex, who was finishing up deployment in Afghanistran. Then, he and two friends went on a European vacation. On a typical train ride to Amsterdam, they heard a gun shot through the window, and then seconds later, a gunman started charging toward them and everyone else. Alex and his friends charged at the gunman, attacking him, and saving the lives of everyone on board from a terrorist attack. Since then, his life has become surreal – meeting the President, many celebrities, and being asked to be on this show. In the middle of the rehearsal week, Alex learns of the shooting in Oregon, which took place at his own college – the one he went to and would be going back to. He was shaken, telling the cameras “I would have been in class that day probably.” He flew back home to see if he could help. Came back for the dance, which he dedicated to the community in Oregon. The judges were a bit harsh with details, but appreciated his heart. He looked like he just wanted to go home, and who can blame him. Scores were 8/8/8.
Nick / Sharna: Okay, this one was just super fun. A tad bit emotional in the backstory package video, but the dance itself was like a fantasy music video. The year was 1992, and Nick, at the age of 12, auditioned for The Backstreet Boys. Turns out he had a rough childhood and grew up with a dysfunctional family. “I always wanted that movie mom and dad, and I didn’t get that.” He used music to escape his life and get him out of a bad environment, and he believes that the guys in the Backstreet Boys really saved him from a life that could have been much different. They became each others family. The dance was to the famous BB song “Backstreet’s Back”, and they basically took the choreography straight from the band itself. Sharna got to play the sexy girl, and it was just such a blast to watch. The audience was given small lights so it looked like they were all at a Backstreet Boys concert, swaying with their lights in the dark. Julianne said “Hot hot hot – I even made a sign”, as she held up her ‘I heart Nick’ signage. Horny Carrie Ann noted that “every girl in America wants to be Sharna right now!” Scores were 9/9/9, and Len fell asleep in his vegetable soup.
Carlos / Witney: They did a Waltz, and the year was 2012, when his band Big Time Rush hit the peak of their success. Their tour had just ended mid-year, and he fell into a deep depression, feeling very alone after being on tour all year. He hit rock bottom, and would sit home and smoke pot everyday, with no purpose in life. One morning, he went to his church, looking for change and transformation. He met his now wife, Alexa, at a Bible study class in church. His life changed in one week, going from darkness to light, and that is what they danced about. In the beautiful angelic looking all-white dance, Julianne felt that they “were genuinely connected.” Carrie Ann called it “mind-blowing, from your soul.” Scores were 9/8/8.
Paula / Louis: Last week, in a conversation about the show with my mom, she said to me “That Paula Deen is a pain in the ass, isn’t she? I feel bad for Louis.” It is so true. This poor guy has to be not only her dance teacher, but also her confidence booster, best friend, son, husband figure, brother figure, and therapist. She is constantly in need of attention. “Oh, I need a huuggg!!!! Give me a hug!”, or “I wish I believed in myself moooower ….” (that is Paula-speak for ‘more’), or “Oh, I’m sooooo tuuuhhred “ (that would be Paula-speak for ‘tired.’) She is the most needy dance partner of all time. Last week she was going on and on about how everyone in her life has abandoned her, so of course Louis had to reassure her that he would not leave her. This week, she chose the year 1989, which was when she finally ended a 27 year marriage that wasn’t working, and started her own business called “The Bag Lady.” This business, of course, was what ended up turning her into the famous cook personality she is today. The song was “Respect”, and even though this dance was just as awful and messy looking as all the rest of them, at least she didn’t look like a hooker-clown this week. The costume department really loves to put her in the most unflattering outfits, but I will say that this week, her dress was pretty flattering and her hair looked somewhat normal. But she still looks like she is being dragged around on the dance floor by force , in every single dance. Bruno’s comment was “You only went wrong once”, and his words were filled with phlegm. Clear your throat, dude. Yuck. Horny Carrie Ann clearly needs a date, and an eye-exam, after her comment that Paula’s moves are “hot and sexy.” Scores were 6/6/6.
Andy / Allison: The year was 2009, and he was singing on the streets as a street performer, struggling to pay bills and get somewhere with his career. Then he got the call that his mom had stage 4 breast cancer, and flew home to her. They only had a few days to say goodbye. He felt lost after her death, looked up to God and literally said to the sky “Your move.” He wrote a song that he said came from the pain, and that song started his entire career. “Good to Be Alive” , hit big hit, is what they danced to, and their Cha-cha was fun and carefree and filled with life. Carrie Ann found it “awkward”, but Julianne disagreed, and thought it was his most comfortable since week one. Scores were 7/8/8.
Bindi / Derek: Okay, well this was the one that made me cry for a very long time. Not only the dance itself, but the video package where both Bindi and her mom, Terri, Steve’s widow, talk about Steve Irwin’s life and death. For anyone reading this who doesn’t know, I myself became widowed when my beautiful husband Don died suddenly at age 46 from a massive heart-attack in 2011. So when Terri said to the camera “when you lose somebody like that, you don’t ever get over it”, I was pretty much sobbing already. And then Bindi, who was only 8 years old in 2006 when her dad died from a tragic accident with a stingray, said to cameras: “It took me such a long, long time to even understand what had happened. For the rest of my life, I will kind of feel like he’s gonna come home.” Yes, oh yes, oh yes. That is what sudden and shocking death does to someone. And now, 9 years later for her and at the young age of 17, she says “I am finally ready to tell that story.” During their rehearsal, a beautiful thing happened that also made me cry, and made the camera people cry too. Derek was showing Bindi a move where they lock fingers, when suddenly she stepped back as if in surprise and gasped: “Oh my god. I just now had a memory flashback when you grabbed my fingers. It was of when I was really, really little, and I was holding dad’s fingers as he was teaching me how to walk. “ She started crying into Derek’s arms, and it was just such a genuine moment. The dance itself was Contemporary, and it was to a beautiful version of “Every Breath You Take.” They managed to re-live that learning to walk moment through dance, and also capture the special bond that Bindi will always have with her dad. As she said so eloquently: “He will always be with me, everywhere I go, my whole life.” I’m actually crying right now as I write this. It was just so beautiful. The second their dance ended, Bindi fell into Derek’s arms and just sobbed, as if she couldn’t hold back one more second. All the judges were teary too, and Bruno said “Australia and the world is so proud of you, and your dad was dancing with you.” Bruno gave Bindi the first TEN score of the season, although I believe she should have received all ten’s. That dance was simply magic. Scores were 9/9/10.
ELIMINATION: Sadly enough, Gary Busey was voted off this week. But in typical Gary fashion, he left with some truly confusing and yet somehow deeply profound words of wisdom, as the time started to run out on the show and the credits started to roll:
“This has been a beautiful experience, and I have learned so much from To Russia with Love, Anna here. And the fact that I have been eliminated is false. It is false because my spirit will be there, it will be here every week. We may not be dancing but my spirit will remain here . And I’ve learned from everyone … and what I’ve learned … (as credits roll) wait a minute, Im not done yet …. What I’ve learned from everyone is how to be better with everyone. And when you learn from everyone how to be better with everyone, then everyone is getting greater with everyone.”
WHY COULDN’T TOM BERGERON HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THAT QUOTE??? I think I have a migraine now ……
NEXT WEEK: Paula Deen demands that Louis move in with her and make her morning tea and rub her feet. Hayes makes a 7 second video and loses all his fans to short-attention span. Len awakens from his nap and asks for a blankey, and his judging spot back on the panel.
Sending love and thoughts to Tom Bergeron and his family.
THE GRINDER Season 1, Episode 2 “A Hero Has Fallen” AIR DATE: October 7, 2015 GRADE: A-
“Dad, this is a BIG episode! They have to reset the whole premise!” “And that’s a hard thing to do!”
“In a graceful way? VERY difficult. And we didn’t follow up the pilot as well as we should have. And, you know what? We lost a LOT of our audience because of it.”
Thus begins “the follow-up of the Pilot” of FOX’s The Grinder, an episode that aims to “reset the whole premise” — and pretty much succeeds with its continued reliance on the beautifully-realized “wink-wink, nudge-nudge” meta style the show lovingly bathes in. With Dean now staying with his family for the foreseeable future to help his brother out in the courtroom (much to Stewart’s chagrin; and he actually has to point out that Dean “isn’t a, uh…a LAWYER“), there’s no time like the present to review some episodes with Stewart’s father and son. The opening gleefully points out the overall sentiments of any viewing audience taking in the sophomore episode of a show that starts out with a strong pilot episode: most of the time, it pales in comparison and there’s almost always a major ratings drop. It’s refreshing, however, to see Dean point the remote at the Bluray player and say, “Let’s queue this bitch up,” almost as if the cast is ready and willing to show us that they’re about to buck the norm.
If “A Hero Has Fallen” sounds melodramatic, it’s because it’s about the rise and fall and rise of the great Dean “Grinder” Sanderson — all in the space of 22 minutes. Fresh off their win from last week, Stewart wants to get right back to the grind, working on new cases. Dean, however, doesn’t want to choose any cases — he wants the cases to choose the firm. Stewart is exasperated, telling him that they can’t just throw out cases, only to have Dean respond with, “But what if we can?” This logic, of course, only makes sense in Grinder’s world where there isn’t a reasonable answer to that question — mainly because when you do answer it, the next question is always the same. It always works. So does casually pacing around a room, asking rhetorical questions about morality and objecting to your opponent on the grounds that they’re going off of “hearsay”. It always works.
So, imagine Dean’s surprise when none of this works and there’s no case to be had in the tale of a couple who found their jobs very legally terminated due to workplace rules about fraternization. His career, his hopes and dreams, his very life has hit rock-bottom. Even his own teammates can’t console him:
“It’s over!” Dean says, his eyes closed, possibly holding back tears.
“But…what if it wasn’t…?” Todd offers.
“That doesn’t work here, Todd,” Grinder says, momentarily snapping back into reality.
“Oh, right, sorry,” Todd simply says in reply. Silly him.
The melodrama runs parallel to Dean’s show: Grinder’s partner, Pinkus, always tells Grinder that the things he thinks he can do in the courtroom aren’t possible. Moreover, Stewart feels like Pinkus because he believes his negativity has had detrimental impact on his entire family. Whereas Dean “never not wins” and pushes his righteous philosophies on those around him to achieve maximum efficiency, Stewart tells his son when to do his homework and his daughter who she should date — and he tells Dean that they can’t do what Dean used to do on his show. All for good reason, mind you. This is real life…but is it? When Dean falls apart, so does his family: Stewart’s son falls asleep at the dinner table (he’s been doing homework at 3 AM rather than early evening) and Joel (Lizzie’s boyfriend) walks around the house “like a free range douchebag”, according to Stewart’s wife, Debbie. Can Dean make a comeback?
If there’s one flaw in all this, it’s the casting of Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who is still frustratingly underused as Debbie. That said, while the show’s creators seem to feel that she’s more useful as a woman who lies to her husband about his personal foibles to make him feel better, the good news is that she’s a key part of the episode. When Stewart tells Debbie that he’s “tired of being Pinkus”, Debbie is the one who explains to him that Pinkus is just as important to show as Grinder is because Pinkus lights a fire under his ass — and without him, there is no Grinder.
On the flip side, The Grinder has settled into a nice rhythm early on with “A Hero Has Fallen”. The casting is beyond impeccable — especially with the addition of Natalie Morales as Claire Lacoste, a possible love interest for Dean. That is, if he can get past the part where Claire actually hates his show because it’s severely unrealistic. If nothing else, the duo will be fun to watch for that reason alone: Dean will be attempting to court somebody who is also “not in on the joke” and I look forward to seeing how that will progress going forward.
“A Hero Has Fallen” is a thing of beauty because it continues to build on last week while mostly omitting the overly silly stuff from the pilot. Not to say the laughs we got in the opener weren’t necessary, but you simply cannot have your characters win cases like that each week without insulting the audience’s intelligence. Even though the world Stewart and his family inhabit might be somewhat influenced by Mitch Grinder, there’s also a sense that reality still prevails over melodramatic insanity. Thankfully, the show adjusts to this and finds a creative way around the issue: Dean’s annoying persistence wins the day and the wrongful termination suit is won in mediation simply because the guy who canned them couldn’t suffer Dean’s bullshit for ten more seconds. The couple is hired back and the fraternization policy is changed. The Grinder rests and justice has been done. Not bad work on a case where the couple suing didn’t even want to sue.
Season 5 Episode 6: “Don’t Dream It’s Over” Air Date: Monday, October 5, 2015
This week on Awkward: Jenna is transported to a Sex and the City dreamland to face her ghosts of boyfriends past while Tamara drives down the coast to win back Adam.
Jenna and Tamara decide that the best way to deal with fallout of Tamara’s dis-engagement party is by binging on white wine, pigs in a blanket and Sex and the City. Unfortunately for the pair, Jenna accidentally grabs the DVD entitled Sex and the Titties, which her father decided to hide among the rest of the Hamilton DVD collection.
As the pair starts watching the non-porn version of their favorite show, Tamara starts freaking out about how Adam was probably her one true love, her Mr. Big. I am not sure I will ever understand the glorification of the Big/ Carrie relationship. He was an asshole to her for most of the time they were together. He had an affair with Carrie while he was married to another woman and she was dating Aiden. If there is any relationship you should aim for from Sex and the City it is should be Charlotte and Harry, am I right?
When Tamara realizes that she needs to go find Adam and win him back, Jenna tells her best friend to follow her heart. Just kidding, this is self-absorbed Jenna we are talking about, so what she ends up doing is trying to convince T to stay so Jenna does not have to think about her own problems. Jenna throw out every excuse she can think of for why Tamara shouldn’t go after Adam, including that “nothing good happens after midnight” (an incredibly false claim) but T finally can’t take any more of Jenna’s shit. She tells Jenna that the fact that Jenna doesn’t think going to find Adam is a good idea is the main reason she should go and chase Adam. She follows this by telling Jenna that she is sabotages every relationship she touches and then peaces in search of her beloved Adam.
Once Tamara leaves, Jenna gets sucked further into her vortex of self-pity. First, Jake stops by in search of Gabby, and admits to Jenna that she is the sole reason the two of them broke up back in the day. Next Jenna falls asleep and emerges in a Sex and the City dream land. This entire storyline is so ridiculous that it is painful to watch. Jenna, of course, is the Carrie Bradshaw of the dream and is dressed in Carrie’s legendary pink Tutu.
Tamara is dressed like a power dyke, which I assume means she is supposed to be Miranda. Sadie is speaking the truth in a pretentious voice, meaning she is Samantha and Lissa is playing Charlotte because she is the only character left. As Jenna’s Sex and the City dream continues she talks to all of her exes (who say she is a horrible girlfriend) and Sadie (who says she is a horrible person full stop) and realizes that Matty is the reason that Jenna sabotaged all of her previous relationships. She wakes up with a start and exclaims outloud
“Oh my god. It’s Matty. I’ve never stopped being in love with Matty.”
Let’s give a hand to Jenna for finally coming to the conclusion that everyone and their mom has known for years. It feels like the show wants the viewer to be proud of Jenna for coming to this obvious realization, but I couldn’t. I actually rolled my eyes at my TV screen as she had this epiphany.
Now we can get to the one actual interesting storyline of the episode. Tamara has ditched Jenna and is driving down to Adam’s base when all of a sudden Gabby pops up from T’s back seat causing the both girl to freak out. Apparently while T and Jenna were busy watching Sex and the Titties, Gabby decided to take a nap in Tamara’s car. T has no time to turn back, so drunken Gabby will just need to come along for Mission ‘Win Adam Back’. After Tamara’s first failed attempt at contacting Adam, Gabby and T sit in the car and start to bonding over Jake’s weird sleeping habits (apparently if Jake does not get a full hour of sleep, he throws a tantrum).
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think this is the first time these two have been alone in a scene together. Gabby decides to help a sister out convinces the marine guarding the military base to order Adam to come down and talk to T.
When Adam comes down though, Tamara is unable to express her true feelings to him. Instead she rambles about how she got obsessed with wedding planning and being patriotic and supporting the troops and how this whole thing is really funny if you think about it and that it really isn’t her fault. Adam is having none of Tamara’s shenanigans. He looks her straight in the eyes, tells her “You took my Grandma’s ring” and walks away. When T gets back to the car, Gabby tells Tamara if she wants Adam’s forgiveness she has to girl up and actually apologize. The next morning she does just that. She tells Adam that she is sorry, and that she should never have accepted both of his proposals but now she knows that she truly loves him. She needs him to give her second shot. T broke Adam’s heart though, and he is not willing to give it back to her, so he says no and goes back to jogging with his fellow marines. Gabby and Jake (who has finally arrived at the base after driving all night) run up to comfort Tamara and it is sweet and heartwarming. Who would have ever guessed that a storyline including Gabby, Jake and Tamara would be the most interesting storyline in an episode?
What did you guys think of Jenna’s Adventures in Sex and the Cityland? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Quote of the Week:
Tamara: Do NOT Ralph and Roll all over my upholstery, my mom will go full on American Psycho. There’s a plastic bag full of plastic bags under the passenger seat!
Date: October 7, 2015
Location: Full Sail University, Winter Park, Florida
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Corey Graves, Rich Brennan
This is one of the weaker looking Takeovers on paper as it’s only been about six weeks since the last special. However, there are four major matches taking place tonight with a thirty minute women’s Iron Man match for the Women’s Title and the final three matches in the inaugural Dusty Classic Tag Team Tournament. Let’s get to it.
The opening video talks about Bayley having the title but now it’s about earning respect.
Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic Semi-Finals: Finn Balor/Samoa Joe vs. Mechanics
There’s no stage this time but just the screen and a flat aisle. Balor gets knocked outside to start so Joe pounds on Wilder. Dawson pulls his partner out of the way of a corner charge though and the villains take over. Balor finally gets back on the apron as his partner is getting beaten down but an enziguri allows for the tag to the champ. A pair of kicks put the Mechanics on the floor and Balor unleashes the big flip dive to get the crowd even more fired up.
Wilder saves Dawson from the Coup de Grace and Dawson chop blocks Balor to put the champ in trouble. The Mechanics start taking turns working on the knee, including wrapping it around the post and a half crab from Dawson. Balor avoids an elbow drop but Wilder takes Joe off the apron to keep Balor in trouble. This is classic tag team formula stuff so far and it still works. Wilder doesn’t have as much luck though as Balor dives over and makes the tag to Joe for some house cleaning. There’s the Muscle Buster to Wilder and Balor adds the Coup de Grace for the pin at 9:08 but Balor wrenched his knee again.
Rating: B. This is what NXT does best: simple, basic storytelling that accomplishes everything they needed to take care of. Balor’s knee is messed up going into the finals and you had a good match to get to the point. They didn’t just do a three minute match to set up the long final but rather took their time and gave us something entertaining in the less important match. Well done, as usual.
Clips of NXT at the Louder than Life festival in Louisville.
Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic: Semi-Finals: Chad Gable/Jason Jordan vs. Baron Corbin/Rhyno
Corbin throws Jordan around with ease so for some reason Baron tags out to Rhyno. A quick suplex gets two on Rhyno and Gable gets the same off a slingshot sunset flip. The fans are entirely behind Gable here (complete with a Gable chant to the tune of Kurt Angle’s old music) as he starts on Rhyno’s arm. Jordan comes in to do the same and a double northern lights suplex gets two on Rhyno.
Rhyno tries to throw Gable over the top but Chad grabs the armbar over the ropes to put him in even more trouble. Corbin gets in a few shots on the floor so Rhyno can take over with a chinlock. It’s off to Corbin for a chinlock of his own (fans: “SAVE THE GABLES!”) before Rhyno misses a top rope splash.
Gable crawls over and makes the tag and it’s Jordan coming in to speed things up. Everything breaks down with Jordan cleaning house but he has to save Gable after the End of Days knocks him silly. Gable O’Connor rolls Corbin out of the corner into a German suplex (awesome) but Rhyno makes the save. There’s a Gore to Jordan and the second End of Days puts Gable away at 10:27.
Rating: B. I liked this one a lot with all the insanity at the end but the ending is a big surprise. I really would have bet on Gable/Jordan winning the whole thing and then they don’t even make it to the finals? It’s not the worst idea in the world but it was the last thing I was expecting. Maybe they don’t want to see Gable getting cheered on the same level as Balor but I’m still surprised at the ending.
Kevin Nash is here.
Video of Asuka.
Asuka vs. Dana Brooke
Brooke has Emma with her. Asuka comes to the ring with a long robe and a white mask for a cool visual. Dana has no interest in a handshake and they fight over a wristlock with Asuka moving at twice Dana’s speed. A slap to the face takes the taste out of Asuka’s mouth but she just smiles at Dana. Asuka comes back with a quick striking rush and Dana’s pose followed by a Fujiwara Armbar.
Emma finally helps her partner with a distraction and the handstand choke has Asuka in some trouble. Asuka comes right back with a snap German suplex and a cross armbreaker followed by a cross face chickenwing. There’s a spinning elbow to knock Emma off the apron. Fans: “ASUKA CITY!” Dana is almost done and gets caught in another cross face chickenwing with a bodyscissors (the Asuka Lock) for the tap at 5:30.
Rating: B-. Well that worked. Asuka picked Dana apart and destroyed her in very short order with every bit of offense you could want to see in five minutes. This was a great debut for Asuka who looks like a killer and blows away everyone else in the division at the moment. Now as long as they keep it going this way instead of going with Eva Marie, everything will be fine.
Asuka takes Dana down again and stares at Emma post match.
Breast cancer is bad.
We look at Balor injuring his knee again.
Nia Jax finally arrives next week.
Apollo Crews vs. Tyler Breeze
Crews powers him up against the ropes to start and knocks Tyler to the floor like he’s nothing. A delayed vertical suplex gets two for Crews but Breeze leverages him out to the floor to take over again. Back in and Breeze starts in on the back with some knees and a chinlock with a knee in the spine. A sideways Backstabber gets two and sets up a Sharpshooter of all things from Breeze.
Apollo makes the ropes and nails a jumping clothesline, followed by a BIG kick to the face to knock Tyler silly. The back gives out though and Breeze Supermodel Kicks him for two. Tyler dives into a powerslam for two and there’s the gorilla press but Breeze gets the knees up to block the standing moonsault. Breeze gets all fired up with forearms but Apollo kicks him square in the jaw. Crews loads up a belly to back suplex but spins him around into a powerbomb for the pin at 9:47.
Rating: C+. I like the idea of having Crews do something other than the standing moonsault for a finisher as that’s only going to take him so far. It’s also really nice to see him face some adversity and overcome it for a change because it makes him easier to get behind instead of just someone to marvel over.
Hideo Itami is here.
We look back at tonight’s first two tournament matches.
Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic Finals: Finn Balor/Samoa Joe vs. Baron Corbin/Rhyno
Balor is limping to the ring. Finn and Rhyno get things going and Corey immediately declares this as a dumb idea. Rhyno shoves the champ around with ease and it’s off to Corbin for some feeling out. The knee starts to go out though so it’s off to Joe for the rapid fire strikes in the corner. Off to Rhyno who has some more luck with a knee to the ribs before Corbin comes in again to a chorus of booing.
A big boot gets two on Joe but he comes back with the enziguri in the corner. Joe tags off to Balor who uses Corbin as a launching pad into a dropkick to Rhyno. The knee seems fine at first but it gives out again when he charges into the corner. That’s fine with Balor though as he nails an enziguri, only to have Rhyno drill him in the knee again to take over. Balor’s comeback is stopped with a Boss Man Slam for two but he comes back again with a Sling Blade out of nowhere.
The second hot tag brings in Joe to take over on Rhyno with the Rock Bottom out of the corner and an STO to Corbin. A Gore gets two on Rhyno with Balor making the save, only to damage the knee again in the process. Another Gore is countered by a kick to the face and it’s the Muscle Buster into the Coup de Grace for the pin and the tournament at 11:09.
Rating: B-. No Dusty Finish? Other than that disappointment, I can’t find much to complain about here. The first two matches were better and the knee didn’t really play into the finish, but I’m sure this leads to Joe vs. Balor in some way. Rhyno and Corbin weren’t an option for winning the whole thing save for Balor and Joe imploding but at least they were an impressive looking opponent in the final. Also well done to have Rhyno take the fall instead of Corbin.
The Rhodes Family (with Stardust out of character) present Balor and Joe with the trophy. Cody talks about his dad being the oak of NXT and how his dad was beamed into homes around the world for over forty years. Tonight, we are all part of the Rhodes family. Dusty’s theme music plays with nothing from Joe or Balor.
Stephanie (of course), Charlotte, Becky Lynch and Lita are in the front row.
We recap Bayley taking the title in Brooklyn and Sasha wanting a rematch. The result is tonight’s 30 minute Iron Man match for the title. We also see some more of Bayley training in an awesome montage.
Women’s Title: Bayley vs. Sasha Banks
Bayley is defending and this is an Iron Man match, meaning the most falls (pin, submission, countout or disqualification) in thirty minutes wins. We get the entrances following the girls to the ring, thankfully with no talking from the announcers. Bayley has a cape and Iron Man colors, meaning my life is complete. Fans: “WOMEN’S WRESTLING!”
They stare each other down and there’s no contact until a little over a minute in. A lockup gets us to Sasha holding a headlock, followed by some rollups for two. Bayley gets some rollups of her own for two each and a pinfall reversal sequence gives us even more near falls. Sasha gets in the first big move with a dropkick to knock the champ into the corner but Bayley comes back with a Japanese armdrag to drop Sasha on her head for two. That looked bad but Sasha seems to be ok.
We’re five minutes in and Sasha sends her into the corner with a top rope wristdrag. Both finishers are blocked and Sasha chills in the corner. Sasha suckers her in and pulls the hair to get a quick two but it ticks Bayley off. Some hard elbows and a clothesline put Sasha on the floor. Bayley keeps the pressure on with a dropkick under the bottom rope (ala Sami Zayn) and a bulldog back inside for two. Both of them nearly crush the referee in the corner but Sasha uses this to her advantage and pokes Bayley in the eye for the first fall at 8:32.
Bayley rams her face first into the buckle over and over but gets sent into them herself. Both of them are banged up as we’re ten minutes in. The double knees in the corner are countered into something like Snake Eyes and the Bayley to Belly ties it up at 10:55. Sasha bails to the floor so Bayley tries the sliding kick again. Banks catches her coming in this time though (I love psychology) and slams Bayley into the steps, right in front of her family and Izzy in a nice touch. Sasha throws her into the steps two more times and makes sure to talk trash to the family. Bayley kicks out at two and the fans are chanting for Izzy.
The champ is thrown to the floor and bangs her knee on the landing. Sasha whips her into the video board and it’s a countout to give Sasha a 2-1 lead at 14:12. Banks steals Izzy’s headband and throws it at her, making Izzy cry to get the fans entirely on Bayley’s side. Bayley beats the count back in at fifteen minutes to go but Banks starts right in on her back. Sasha is brimming with confidence as she slaps on a Liontamer and stomps on the bad hand for old times’ sake. Bayley makes the rope and grabs a fluke rollup to tie us up at 2-2 with 12:38 to go.
The double knees in the corner miss again and Bayley makes the comeback with ax handles to the face followed by an awkward looking spinning facebuster for two. The middle rope back elbow gets the same and Bayley’s hair is almost down. Bayley puts her in the Tree of Woe for a running springboard elbow as we have ten minutes left.
Banks crotches her on top and now the double knees hit (great job of building that move up) for two. Bayley kicks her to the floor as the fans think it’s better than Raw (time for Vince and Dunn to crush this show then). Now Bayley starts working on Sasha’s hand and the fans want Izzy to slap Banks. The arm gets snapped across the middle rope and Sasha falls out to the floor again.
Bayley starts setting up the steps and Izzy looks like she’s about to cry again. Sasha’s hand is slammed into the steps again and a clothesline off the steps puts her on the floor. She’s still able to kick Bayley into the steps though and the champ is in trouble again. Sasha’s suicide dive is caught and a Bayley to Belly on the floor knocks her silly. Somehow that only gets two back inside and we’ve got five minutes to go.
Bayley puts her on the middle rope and a running super Bayley to Belly gets….two as the cover sent Sasha’s feet into the ropes. Three minutes left and they’re both spent. Bayley loads up the reverse hurricanrana but Sasha lands on her feet and hits a Bayley to Belly of her own. There’s the Bank Statement and Sasha spins her away from the ropes. She can’t get the full hold on though due to the hand injury from earlier.
Sasha kicks away from the ropes and gets a better version on with a minute left. Bayley reaches up and bends the hand back for the break before slamming the bad hand into the mat to get out. Sasha hooks the backbreaker to set up another Bank Statement but Bayley rolls through into an armbar while cranking on the hand with ten seconds left. Bayley KICKS HER IN THE HEAD until Sasha taps with three seconds left to retain Bayley’s title at 30:00 by a score of 3-2.
Rating: A. It’s not as good as the Brooklyn match (I underrated that one horribly. If that wasn’t an A+, nothing is.) but my goodness they were feeling the drama and storytelling here. The back work from Banks worked perfectly but it made sense that Bayley didn’t give up because of Sasha’s hand injury. Bayley got WAY more aggressive than she ever has before here and it felt like a battle instead of just a match. Really good stuff here and I had a blast with it.
Bayley looks drained as the roster comes out to the entrance to help Sasha up. HHH presents Bayley with a bouquet and she soaks in the cheers. Bayley and Sasha smile at each other to end the show.
Overall Rating: A. I’m still trying to catch my breath about five minutes after the show ended. This was AWESOME with the main event stealing the show all over again. Those two are something special and they know they are. The rest of the show was all really good stuff too with the worst match probably being Asuka putting on a show against Brooke. I had a blast tonight and it blew away my expectations, as these things almost always do.
Results
Finn Balor/Samoa Joe b. Mechanics – Coup de Grace to Wilder
Rhyno/Baron Corbin b. Chad Gable/Jason Jorda – End of Days to Gable
Asuka b. Dana Brooke – Asuka Lock
Apollo Crews b. Tyler Breeze – Spinning powerbomb
Finn Balor/Samoa Joe b. Baron Corbin/Rhyno – Coup de Grace to Rhyno
Bayley b. Sasha Banks 3-2
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:
THE MUPPETS Season 1, Episode 3
“Bear Left Then Bear Write”
AIR DATE: October 6, 2015
GRADE: B-
Christina Applegate’s on Piggy’s show this week, and surprises her with an iPhone video of Piggy falling face-first into a cake at a party Applegate hosted. Gonzo uses a picture of Liam Hemsworth on his dating profile — and uses his connections to get Hemsworth to get a potential date into Gonzo’s hemisphere. Nick Offerman wants a cappuccino machine in his office…just because Kermit asked him if he could get Offerman anything. Some of this is funny, some of it’s shrug-inducing.
We’re on the third episode of ABC’s The Muppets and, maybe the honeymoon’s over — I’m not quite sure — but this episode lacks the edge the prior two episodes had. That isn’t to say it isn’t a complete loss. The humor is hit-and-miss (though Kermit empathizing with Fozzie’s woozy — as the result of a trank-dart — by admitting that he “once licked his third cousin once and the walls started melting” was the laugh of the night) — and, curiously missing still, or at least on hiatus, is the entire angle featuring Denise, Kermit’s “new girlfriend”. What’s left, at times, is a show that feels agonizingly bare-boned.
I can’t tell you how frustrating this is, not just because the show seemed to find its footing last week, but because the timing absolutely sucks on a cracker: the episode involves the exploration of the long-time camaraderie between Kermit and Fozzie. It’s a no-brainer on paper: Piggy hates surprises (hence the necessary severing of her friendship with Christina Applegate after her unfortunate surprise presentation of Piggy’s aforementioned on-camera gaffe) and Kermit isn’t going to press his luck by sneaking Fozzie’s curiously awful-sounding sketch (even by “Fozzie” standards) involving a “porcupine that buys dress socks” onto the show without Piggy approval.
This presents Kermit with a soul-crushing task of telling his long-time friend that he isn’t funny. Knowing full well he can’t do this to Fozzie, Kermit lies and gushes about Fozzie’s writing, telling him that it’s brilliant — in fact, Kermit says, it’s good enough for a movie. Fozzie believes his friend — and why shouldn’t he? As Kermit illustrates later, Fozzie was there for Kermit after he left his med school dreams behind (“It turns out all they wanted to do was dissect me,” Kermit laments.) and never let him down. This is hammered home when Kermit finally does tell Fozzie the truth, driving a considerable wedge between them. Naturally, Kermit realizes he only has one play: bringing his friend in from the cold…literally. Fozzie has actually decided to live alone in the woods surrounding Los Angeles in order to concentrate on his screenplay.
It’s a cute idea for this week’s A-story but it’s not exactly rewarding or particularly memorable due to its failure to resonate with anyone on any level. That’s mainly because there’s an underlying current of self-parody that prevents anyone from taking the story seriously. Prime example is the moment following Kermit’s confession to Fozzie about his bit. At first, Kermit aks where Fozzie is headed. Fozzie won’t tell him — but the GPS mapping system on his phone spills the beans. Fozzie, in a huff, attempts to hang up his iPhone. That doesn’t work, so Kermit has to instruct him:
Fozzie: “”I don’t know how to hang this thing up when it’s on the ‘map’ thing! Ugh! This always happens!”
Kermit: “Ok, ok…hit the home button, then the phone icon, then the red button.”
Fozzie: “Ok, home button…phone icon…red button, aaaaaaand…we’re in ‘Angry Birds’.”
That actually works. It’s really too bad that it feels out of place.
The one thing that saves the show is the ensemble of this week’s guest stars. Miss Piggy’s weak revenge plot against Applegate aside (does she have any “friends” left?), Nick Offerman temporarily joins the cast as Fozzie’s replacement and exudes his usual brand of James Spader-esque smarm (he takes back his request for a cappuccino machine and replaces it with a request for a boat named “Janice”, who he unashamedly flirts with), I can’t help but feel that his spot on the show was a bit of a missed opportunity. The best appearance goes to Liam Hemsworth who agrees to help Gonzo pick up “Debbie”, the cute little Muppet he’s been flirting with online. At first, Gonzo’s filled with self-doubt due to his looks. Rizzo tries to help out, insinuating that Hemsworth “probably grew in to his looks”.
“No, I’ve been gorgeous since birth, but I have struck out quite a few times,” Hemsworth replies, finally confessing, “Just at a super high level.” In a way, it’s probably fitting that Hemsworth nabs Gonzo’s girl (as aggravating as it is to see Gonzo fail in love) as Hemsworth ends up being Gonzo’s ironic opposite: he just wants to be seen as a human being and not as some “beautiful cheek-boned” sex object.
So, that’s cute.
Maybe it’s us, the viewers, who are expecting far too much. These are the exact same Muppets we’ve seen for years. Maybe they’re a little older and wiser, but they’re the same. It’s just that I cannot shake the feeling that something’s missing. I get that the entire story with Fozzie and Kermit isn’t meant to be a deeply philosophical exploration of the common friendship, but the angles on this show are like cheap little fireworks that fizzle and burn out quickly — and that’s an apt description of this week’s story. It’s also the fact that the manic energy mixed with the serio-comedy wit that makes them what they are seems to be in short supply. Look, I’m not entirely worried about The Muppets. It’s young and still finding its footing — but that’s also off-putting. It shouldn’t really be “finding its footing”. The Muppets should be an easy slam-dunk week after week. It’s not Advanced Calculus. That lack of overall consistency is aggravating.
The Leftovers
Season 2, Episode 1: “Axis Mundi”
Air Date: October 4th, 2015
So much of the fun – and frustration – of The Leftovers’ first season was the ambiguous line it drew between the mystical and the actual. Viewers were treated to no shortage of would be faith-healers, messiahs, prophets, cults, and “departed” 80’s sitcom stars (more on that later). Combined with the teeming symbolism and religious allusions were deep character studies into how we cope with loss and what motivates someone to actively engage in a world that can be so downright merciless. Not to mention, it was just fucking weird. If viewers were expecting anything different from season two, the first episode “Axis Mundi” should shatter those expectations.
Instead of picking up with our protagonists, the opening sequence takes place in prehistoric times, depicting a pregnant mother’s separation from her tribe courtesy of a well-timed rockslide. The prologue is brutal and reminiscent of the start to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Of course, said mother gives birth and struggles to survive while protecting her newborn, only to die as result of snakebite. Yet, just as all seems lost, another woman rescues the child before the setting transitions into the present day: welcome to Jarden, Texas.
In Jarden, situated within the confines of ‘Miracle National Park’ (so designated because of its dubious claims to exclusion from the departure event), we are introduced to the Murphy family, whose contrasts and similarities to season one protagonists the Garveys are immediately evident. The patriarch of this Baptist family is John – yes, John the Baptist – a rather unorthodox fireman who appears to have a strong distaste for spiritual hucksters and apparent frauds that exploit the town’s privileged spiritual orientation. While at first good natured and warm, we later see this man burn down the house of his palm-reading childhood friend Isaac and voluntarily disclose his imprisonment for attempted murder (he “didn’t try hard enough”). Yet, in the wonderfully vague world of The Leftovers, this guy could actually be our new hero.
The Murphy’s are rounded out with John’s doctor wife Erika and two children Evie and Michael. The former is a fairly typical teenager, playing athlete and choirgirl to her parents, while mischievously sneaking out behind the scenes. The latter seems an earnest Baptist in training. Although he sells vials of the town’s water to tourists, he emphasizes that they’re only souvenirs in response to one prospect’s eager inquest “Will it save us?”
Almost as afterthoughts, we eventually see some familiar faces. Reverend Matt Jamison and his wife Mary have moved to Miracle, (in part, it seems, to help cure Mary’s paralysis) and have tipped off the newly stitched together iteration of the Garveys, who buy a house in search of a fresh start.
In the wake of the Sudden Departure, so many people are prepared to believe in anything or anyone who make authoritative claims on how to find peace, realize salvation or, alternatively, the inherent meaninglessness of life. In choosing not to explicitly weigh in on the legitimacy of these transcendent characters and institutions, the show seems to suggest that they don’t really matter. What’s important – as seen through the ultimate growth and progression of the Garveys and their allies – is our relationship to other people and salvation through empathetic community. Having exhausted the original source material last year, it’s uncertain how much the show will push the limits of its spiritual resilience in season two, but I have no doubt I’ll be interested (and hopeful) in seeing them try.
Parting thoughts:
We were gifted not one, but two TGIF references in this episode.
It turns out Eddie Winslow has a knack for reading palms and yet he couldn’t see Urkel’s Toweljitsu skills.
The second was a cameo by Mark Linn-Baker of Perfect Strangers and a call back to last season’s joke that the entire cast had been raptured.
There’s a lot to unpack in this episode. Repeated references to water, sneaky crickets, and earthquakes. Start making a list of metaphors now, because they’re only going to grow.
iZombie
Season 2, Episode 1: “Grumpy Old Liv” Air Date: Tuesday, October 5, 2015 Grade: B+
The season two premiere of iZombie starts off a little slow with a forgettable crime of the week and a self pitying Liv, but the episode concludes with a unexpected twist laying down the framework for what could be another entertaining season.
Three months have passed since Liv’s younger brother, Evan, was injured in a Meat Store Zombie Explosion, and Liv refused to donate her blood to him due to her being a zombie and all. Liv sneaks into the hospital where her mom interrogates her to find out why she refused to save her brother’s life. As the two get into a fight, Evan wakes up and tells Liv to get herself and her blood as far away from him as possible. Has he been in the hospital for three straight months and if so why have those cuts on his face barely healed?
The episode’s crime of the week begins with “All You Zombies” by The Hooters playing in the background. This scene is pretty awesome. The way it is shot makes you think that whatever is about to happen is zombie related– there is a song about zombies playing in the background, an innocent young girl is jogging in the dark with her headphones on, kids are playing hockey in the middle of the street, in the middle of the night, wearing creepy ass goalie masks– but no, all that happens is a good old fashioned human murder.
Ol’ Man Wendell is this week’s ‘Victim of the Week’ (aka Liv’s new meal) and Det. Clive Babineaux, Ravi and Liv are on the case. Wendell was a crotchety old man who died by having a large object fall on top of him, just like the Wicked Witch of the East. Instead of his legs dangling from beneath a house, Wendell’s limbs are sticking out from underneath his car. His sister-in-law comes rolling on by on her electric scooter to tell the gang that Wendell wasn’t always a curmudgeon. After his Fibromyalgia kicked in he hated “the laughter of children, puppies, other races, his own race, trick-or-treaters, Christmas carolers.” Basically, everyone in a ten-mile radius was happy to see this dude dead. This is going to be a fun brain for Liv to eat!
I am not sure what this says about me, but seeing what inventive Cuisine de Brain Liv comes up with each week is one of my favorite parts of the show. This week she prepares spaghetti with fresh hand made brain meatballs.
After discovering that even New Hope (the rat Ravi cured of Zombieism) hates Liv she decides to have no more interpersonal relationships until she is no longer a zombie. Being a zombie has ruined all of her relationships as well as all of her friend’s lives. Peyton has left and is nowhere to be found so Liv now has a boring new roommate who works for the IRS. Major has it even worse. Not only was he turned into a zombie and turned back to human in the same night, he now can’t find a job that brings meaning to his life and is forced to be a personal trainer. He spends his days personally training out of shape middle-aged men while staring longingly at the teenage youth he used to work with who are skating through the park. That isn’t something people should be suspicious of or anything. Major has also discovered that when he is in the presence of other zombies his pulse races, and his hairs stand on end. Major is essentially a human zombie detector.
The only problem with curing her Zombieism is that Liv used up all of the materials needed to create the cure. Liv will need to get her hands on some tainted Utopium if she ever wants to be human again! Which means she needs to find…… Sark Blaine, whose debut this season comes with this golden monologue:
Blaine: “Death, I can’t sugar coat it, this won’t be easy. But I’m here to make the process… what’s the word… palatable. It’s what I do. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone with more experience. I bet ever since you got the news you have been walking around like a zombie, am I right? Yeah. I thought so. Just know this, my number one priority is your piece of mind. I never stop thinking about it.”
Wow, just wow. That bit of dialogue could not be oozing with any more creepiness if it tried. So yeah, Blaine now runs a local funeral home in order to keep his brain harvesting business afloat. It should also be mentioned that he is using the funeral home as a front for his Utopium drug trade. Oh Blaine, what a standup guy. Liv pays him a visit, and before he even sees her the hair on his arm hair stands on its end just like Major’s did earlier. It is official, the zombie cure also makes people zombie detectors (hence why New Hope hates Liv). The entire time Blaine rubs the fact that he is human in her face by sexually eating chocolate while moaning. Liv rains on his human parade by revealing that the cure she stuck him with may very well kill him to the point of being dead dead, not just undead, so if he wants to stay alive he better well get her some tainted Utopium.
Up until this point this episode was not amazing, but it was decent. But then the last five minutes of the episode happened and the show blew my mind.
The evil Max Ranger CEO, Vaughn Du Clark, starts giving a speech about how he loves submarine movies because in the end one man is forced to seal off a door and sacrifice some men in order to save the rest of the vessel. He compares this to how he needs to kill zombies in order to save the world. And who might Max Ranger CEO bro be talking to? None other than our new favorite zombie detector, Major! Vaughn wants to apply this submarine logic to the little zombie problem that his company created. Kill all the zombies in Seattle in order to save humanity. He seems to have no issue that the only reason that he has to kill these zombies is BECAUSE HIS COMPANY CREATED THEM. Major tries to refuse the job, but Vaughn has evidence that connects him with the Meat Cute explosion which killed 5 zombies and a police commissioner so Major is SOL. That night, Major goes on his first mission, and drugs and kidnaps a zombie dad while his kids are fast asleep in their rooms, shoots him in the head, and dumps his body in the river. The entire time, Vaughn’s evil red-headed assistant is watching, possibly turned on, to make sure he gets the job done. Evil red head girl goes home to her apartment to sit down with her new roomie Liv! Turns out Liv’s roommate is not a boring IRS employee, she is actually an evil Max Ranger minion. What a turn of events. I am very excited for what’s to come!
Oh, and in case you were wondering about who killed Wendell, it was the hipster neighbor wearing a T-shirt that says, ”T-shirts are passe.” Wendell stole and kidnapped Byron’s dog, and after night downing some pints of beer, Byron decided to confront him. During the drunken confrontation, Byron kicks Wendell’s car, and Wendell dies. Case closed.
Quote of the Week:
Liv: “That is just a little game we like to play. ‘Does the person we are questioning own a dog?’”
The Flash
Season 2, Episode 1: “The Man Who Saved Central City”
Original Air Date: October 6th, 2015 Grade: B-
Season one of The Flash ended on such a huge cliffhanger that it left me so angry I wasn’t sure if I wanted to watch season two out of spite. However, with The Flash back on TV, I’ve become a giant hypocrite eagerly awaiting each new episode.
“The Man Who Saved Central City” doesn’t follow up immediately after season one’s finale and instead tries my patience by not granting me all the information I need up front. Central City is still in one piece-ish so that means that Team Flash at least somewhat succeeded in controlling the wormhole that could have easily swallowed all of humanity for breakfast. In honor of his speedy, heroic deeds, the mayor plans to throw a little shindig for the Flash astutely named Flash Day. Barry isn’t on board with the celebration idea because he’s spent too much time around Oliver Queen and instead says that other people were heroes that day, not him.
We then learn through flashback and some scientific mumbo jumbo that Barry can’t stop the wormhole alone so Ronnie Raymond and Martin Stein become F.I.R.E.S.T.O.R.M. in order to stabilize the chaos. In doing so, Team Flash loses Ronnie and poor Caitlin has to deal with losing the man she loves for like the fifth time. I’m a bit tired of this thing Ronnie and Caitlin have going on here and if I’m honest, I feel as though she’s lost him so many times already that any emotion I was meant to feel at their parting was lost.
Barry feels guilty over the loss of Ronnie, so instead of talking about his feelings and going to his friends for help, he tries to save Central City on his own. He avoids every aspect of his life: not talking to Joe or Iris; refusing to go to Flash Day (which admittedly seems like a baddie trap); ignoring lawyers about Harrison Wells’ will. Generally, Barry just closes himself off to others.
However, after a chat with Joe, Barry’s brain grows three sizes and he decides to make an appearance at Flash Day. Surprise, surprise, a meta human shows up to ruin his heroic moment and “Atom Smasher” makes Barry and Cisco (with his baby super powers!) look stupid. Barry then decides to work with Team Flash once again to stop this man who absorbs radiation like I absorb pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
While concocting ways to handle Atom Smasher, Barry finally watches the video left by Harrison Wells/Eobard Thawne. I have to admit, I love the way Wells was handled last season, his relationship with the other main characters, and the fact that he wasn’t an over-the-top villain like most of the ones we’ve seen on Arrow. He seemed to genuinely care about Barry, Caitlin, and Cisco and his relationship with the former is most evident in the fact that he finally gives Barry what he most wants: a confession to killing Nora Allen.
Cisco, the adorable genius, comes up with a plan to take out Atom Smasher and the premise is so ridiculous I can’t believe it actually worked. Barry kited Mr. Smasher through town, only to lead him into a radiation chamber, where said Smasher got caught and zapped with so much radiation, it overwhelmed his powers and shrunk him down to a more manageable size. It was like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, something even Wile E. Coyote wouldn’t fall for, but Atom Smasher did and hooray, Central City is safe(ish) once again. In his weakened state, Barry asks who Atom Smasher is working for and Smasher only says one word, “Zoom.”
We know from preview trailers that Professor Zoom is the main enemy for Barry this season, or he seems to be as much. However, Professor Zoom in the comics (if I’m remembering correctly) is the Reverse-Flash, so I’m curious how they’ll bring that character back or if instead they’ll introduce him as a new foe for Team Flash (especially since he will be voiced by Tony Todd). Just as Cisco discusses the improvements made to S.T.A.R. Labs’ security, a new face, Jay Garrick, makes an appearance to warn Team Flash about Zoom and the danger to Central City. Garrick is a staple in the Flash universe, also know as Crimson Comet. The CW did a neat little promo picture for the introduction of the character:
But that wasn’t the end of the episode. Since Wells did confess to the murder of Nora Allen, Barry’s father, Henry is finally released from prison. There are so many things wrong with scene, but I can overlook most of them for the sake of Barry’s happiness. Freeing his father has been his goal for years and years and years. It is what drove him to BE the Flash, among other things, so this is a life-changing moment for him. And then, just like that, Papa Allen leaves. Not because he’s afraid that he’s already labeled a murderer or because he’s spent so much time in prison he isn’t sure how to live with Barry, but because Barry already has a family…. Are you kidding me? I know that season two is rife with new characters, love interests and plenty of faces to forget, but to completely dismiss Barry’s dad like that almost ruins the episode for me.
Thoughts:
I hate to say this because everyone knows I’m all about vagina loyalty but one of the reasons this episode didn’t receive a lower score was because of the lack of Iris. Maybe she changes this season, but her character is the worst of the lot, IMO.
Cisco with powers! At first, I thought Cisco was annoying, but I’m warming to him because he has such a kind heart and his grief over the revelation of Wells’ real character was a highlight from last season.
Please, please, please don’t make Caitlin/Barry a thing. PLEASE.
Joe and Barry still have the best relationship on the show.
Look at the change in the Flash’s costume!
Seriously, WHAT was that nonsense with Barry’s dad?
We’re through the first leg of the Go To Hell Tour and Lesnar soundly beat Big Show in a horrible, lop-sided DUD of a match. Shocking, I know. Tonight, we’re supposed to get the lead-up to Hell in a Cell when The Undertaker is supposed to face Brock Lesnar. Also, John Cena will defend the United States Title against a dwindling locker room. Will that person beat Cena? Probably not. Let’s find out how tonight’s RAW goes…
We start with the Kane/Rollins HR thing from last week, then get the show titles.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Boston, Massachusetts for Monday Night RAW!!!
TONIGHT: The Dudleyz vs. Seth Rollins and Big Show
Brock Lesnar starts us off, coming to the ring with Paul Heyman. There seems to be a bit of a pyro error but, whatevs. Lesnar comes to the ring with SUPLEX CITY chants. Paul Heyman talks up Lesnar’s victory at MSG on Saturday, then talks about how badly The Undertaker will get beat at Hell in a Cell because Lesnar considers that his lair. We revisit WrestleMania XXX. Again. Heyman says that ‘Taker will never “get revenge”. For what, I’m not sure since ‘Taker beat him at SummerSlam. We get clips of that. Heyman goes on and on about ‘Taker until Show finally shows up.
Big Show walks right into the ring with a mic as Brock smirks at him, leaning up against the ropes. Show says that the match at MSG was “so close”. He calls Lesnar “The Man” and offers to shake hands. Lesnar laughs and walks off. Show calls him arrogant. He says he hopes ‘Taker beats him at Hell in a Cell — like he lost at SummerSlam. Lesnar’s had enough and gets back in the ring. Then he hits a Belly to Belly and F5. And, hopefully, we’re done with this feud.
Rollins is backstage with Steph. He wants to know what’s gonna happen against the Dudleyz. He wants the match called off. Steph refuses. She tells Rollins to figure it out.
MATCH #1: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose & Randy Orton vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Braun Strowman) Bray prances around the ring before the match starts. Finally, it’s Reigns vs. Harper. The fight spills outside with Reigns taking out the entire Wyatt Family. When it re-enters the ring, it’s a Pier Six with Strowman getting triple-teamed by all three guys (Orton gouges his eyes, Stooge-style, which was pretty funny) until he falls out of the ring. After break, Ambrose rolls up Harper for two. Harper ends up outside and walks around. Ambrose just lays down on the mat and invites Harper to take a free shot. Harper falls for it and Ambrose rolls him up for two. Tag to Orton who puts Harper to the mat and stomps at him. Ambrose tags in and kicks at Harper. Harper tags Strowman, so Ambrose slide kicks Strowman in the chins, knocking him outside. Ambrose flies outside but Strowman catches him, then just tosses him 5 feet. He puts Ambrose back into the ring and slams him down. Tag to Bray who hits a running clothesline in the corner for two. Bray taunts Ambrose with slaps but Ambrose hits the Comeback Clothesline. Tag to Strowman. Ambrose tries a clothesline but Strowman just hits a HUGE shoulderblock, knocking Ambrose 360 degrees to the mat. After break, Bray hits a HUGE clothesline and gets two on Ambrose. Wyatt misses the Rolling Senton and it’s a tag to Strowman who misses a corner spear. Hot tag to Orton who runs over Harper with clotheslines and a powerslam. Vintage Orton DDT and it’s RKO time — but Wyatt re-enters the ring to distract the ref. Strowman yanks Orton out of the ring and hits a headbutt on the announce table. He tosses Orton back in — but Orton gets to the corner and Reigns is all over Harper and Wyatt with punches. The fight spills outside with Ambrose and Strowman ending up in the timekeeper’s pit. Inside the ring, it’s spot central as Reigns goes for a Superman Punch on Harper. Wyatt enters the ring and beats on Reigns. Harper Superkicks Reigns. He covers but Orton stops the pinfall. Wyatt interferes again and Orton goes for an RKO. Wyatt dodges it. Harper attacks Orton and Orton nails him with the RKO instead. Reigns Spear finishes this at 15:52. WINNERS: PseudoShield
RATING: ***1/2. Fine start to the show. Now to settle in for 2 1/2 more hours of filler.
TONIGHT: Cena’s Open Challenge
King Barrett’s at ringside because WWE just can’t get over that gimmick. He gushes over Neville which comes across as overly phony.
Sheamus comes to the ring with a mic. He mocks Boston for their phony Irish mascots. He tells them that Boston should have used him as a mascot. He calls Neville a leprechaun, then taunts him. He says Neville will always be a loser no matter what and taunts him with the MITB case. He asks Neville what it’s like to be a loser. Neville tires of this and kicks at Sheamus.
MATCH #2: Neville vs. Sheamus Neville beats on Sheamus in the corner as Barrett’s face turn ends. Barrett distracts Neville and Sheamus Brogue Kicks him to win it at around 30 seconds. WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick RATING: DUD. Glorified squash.
Post-match, Barrett looks sorry for what he did. It’s bad enough we have one guy pretending to be somebody else in Kane. Do we really need another?
Backstage, Kane walks around in an ankle boot. (See what I mean?)
Korporate Kane’s in the ring with a mic. He says to excuse him. He’s injured. He still has a job to do, however, and he noticed that Seth Rollins doesn’t have a partner for his tag match tonight…so that partner…will be himself. Rollins interrupts and comes out to the ring and says that this isn’t going to work. He says he hates to do this because Kane “isn’t Tom Brady” — even though Brady and Kane have “deflated balls”. He says Kane can’t get what he wants because that isn’t how it works. He says that he’s not gonna play Kane’s mind games anymore. Kane retorts: his coffee cup says that he’s “WORLD’S BEST DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS”. That’s what he is. That’s what he aims for. He’s gonna bring out the best in Rollins. That’s what he’s gonna do. Rollins points out that he won the World Title and that means he’s the best. Kane says he has a poster that says “the only person that matters is the one you see in the mirror”. He doesn’t think Rollins subscribes to that. Sometimes, you have to go through hell to be the best. Rollins offers to take Kane to hell right now — and that brings out Steph.
Steph says that she’s had enough with this crap. She reveals that Rollins was the “anonymous complaint to HR” last week, violating all corporate confidentiality — but we had an HR Director who has ignored everything WWE has done for the last 30 years so, we’re even, I guess. She talks up The Patriots and says they’ll win the Super Bowl again. Steph says that Kane will face Rollins at Hell in a Cell for the WWE World Championship. Sigh…Steph says that if Kane feels he can fight tonight, he’s welcome to team up with Rollins to face the Dudleyz tonight. One more thing: if Kane can’t beat Rollins for the title, he will be relieved of his Director of Operations job.
TONIGHT: Korporate Kane vs. Dudleyz
ALSO: The Cena Open Challenge
Rollins bitches to Triple H backstage about what just happened. He says that Kane is faking everything. Triple H says that Rollins doesn’t have Kane cornered and to “do unto others what they do to you.”
MATCH #3: Natalya vs. Paige This is happening because Paige is angry with Natalya for helping out PCB who she no longer cares about, yet has teamed up with twice since the team “broke up”. Nattie grapples with Paige and throws some elblows in the corner. Paige comes back with a roll-up. Nattie reverses. Two count. Dropkick by Nattie and Paige rolls out of the ring. Nattie kicks her down, then rolls Paige back into the ring again. Paige rolls back out and hits Nattie with a Superkick. Back in the ring, she stomps at Nattie, then puts on Body Scissors. Nattie gets to her feet but Paige falls on her for two. Abdominal Stretch by Paige. Nattie breaks it and reverses it. Paige breaks and snap mares Nattie to the mat. She misses a running knee. Nattie hits a clothesline and a Russian Legsweep. She goes for a Body Drop but Paige kicks her. Nattie hits a quick Discus Clothesline and gets two. Paige trips up Nattie and nearly gets a fall. Paige misses a slap and Nattie drops her on her ass and hits a sitting dropkick for two. Nattie tries to put Paige in a corner. Paige counters but ends up in the Sharpshooter. Paige, however, quickly gets to the ropes. Paige drops Nattie’s neck on the top rope then tries to roll her up, nearly getting three. Nattie hits another Sharpshooter — and Paige taps out! Wow. Didn’t expect that. Mark it at 6:03. WINNER: Natalya via Sharpshooter
RATING: **1/2. Not bad at all. Paige gets knocked down a peg and this may actually advance the “Diva Revolution” thing. Or maybe I’m too hopeful.
LAST THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Owens and Ryback fought following Ryback’s match.
We get a sizzle reel starring Ryback, taking a look at his career. He does a spot where he says he’s hungry to destroy Owens and…eat him. Cuz he’s hungry.
MATCH #4: WWE Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens vs. Sin Cara (w/ Kalisto) Seems logical, right? Owens just destroys him in the corner and mocks him with the “LUCHA” chant. He hits a short-armed clothesline and Reverse Senton for two. Side Headlock to Cara and, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised him Cara passed out. Cara fights back, so Owens just tosses him to the mat. He mocks Kalisto. Cara kicks at Owens and hits a couple Moonsaults. He nearly ends up in the PUPB but Cara counters with a Sunset Flip. Owens finally catches him with a kick to the head and finishes at 2:33 with the PUPB. WINNER: Kevin Owens via PUPB
RATING: n/a – squash
Post-match, Owens attacks Kalisto as he tends to Cara, then goes for the PUPB. Ryback comes to the ring and Owens runs off and cowers into the crowd. Ryback stands tall as the segment ends.
Steph is backstage. The New Day approaches her, clapping her name. She tells them that she’s busy. Big E tells her not to be sour. She gets in E’s face and says she’s busy. Woods goes to play his trombone. She tells him not to do it or else she’ll send them to a place that makes Suplex City look like Disneyland. Also, they’ll face the Dudleyz at HITC. She leaves and The New Day can’t believe it, asking what just happened in really high voices.
John Cena does his bit about RISE ABOVE CANCER. Reigns joins in and says that all Rise Above Cancer merch on WWEShop will help fund Susan G. Komen.
We re-live the United States Championship at MSG on Saturday.
Kane comes out in full suit. He’s still limping.
MATCH #5: Kane & WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins vs. The Dudley Boyz (D-Von & Bubba Ray) Kane offers to go first. Bubba starts with him — but Kane’s ankle gives him issues. Rollins tags himself in. Rollins taunts Bubba. Bubba just shoves him and says he doesn’t care if “Rollins is the man — the time is NOW, so let’s go”. They lock up until Bubba hits a shoulderblock, knocking Rollins out of the ring. Back in the ring, Bubba beats on Rollins, then tags in D-Von. They hit a double shoudlerblock and double elbow drop. Tag to Kane again who misses an attack. D-Von kicks at his ankle. Rollins tags back in and this is just an epic booking fail right now. D-Von hip tosses Rollins into the ring then hits a flying elbow off a run. Rollins comes back, putting D-Von in the corner. D-Von fights out and hits a neckbreaker using the buckle. Tag to Kane during that neckbreaker and he takes D-Von out with a clothesline. Tag to Rollins and the two double-team D-Von with a punch off the top buckle. Rollins hits a neckbreaker of his own. After a break, Kane hits a weak-looking snap mare to D-Von and puts on a headlock. D-Von breaks and Kane goes for a boot to D-Von but his ankle gives out. Rollins tags back in as a ringside doc tends to Kane and his ankle. The doctor tells Kane that they have to go to the back — but Rollins isn’t falling for that and he handcuffs Kane to the ring which pointlessly snap in half 20 seconds later when D-Von slingshots Rollins into Kane. The doctor finally helps Kane to the back. Rollins is pissed and tells the doctor not to do this. Meanwhile, D-Von attacks Rollins. He ends up in a Pedigree but D-Von breaks it and tosses Rollins over his head. Tag to Buba who goes white hot apeshit on Rollins with punches and a Bionic Elbow. Wassup hits the mark. They “get the tables” but Rollins dropkicks the table into them, causing a DQ (13:42) which makes no sense at all considering the Dudleyz were going to use the fucking tables and eat the DQ. WINNERS: The Dudleyz via DQ
RATING: *1/2. Thank the fuck christ that’s over. Wow. What a dull booking catastrophe.
Post-match, cue THEDEMONKANE. He attacks Rollins and rolls him into the ring, knocking him down with a Big Boot. He goes for a Chokeslam — but the Dudleyz come back to life and hit the 3-D even though he’s against the guy they were just wrestling. Rollins goes to leave after the Dudleyz do — but comes back to finish Kane off, putting the table back in the ring. He taunts Kane who does his zombie sit-up. Rollins hits an Enzuguri and attacks Kane from the top rope which also doesn’t make any sense considering he should have just followed up the attack. Kane catches him and chokeslams him through the table to end a segment which was, essentially, a shaggy dog story just to arrive at this moment.
EARLIER TODAY: Team Bella arrived in a limo for some reason. A black Escalade pulls up and out steps Team B.A.D. who aren’t even goddamn relevant anymore. They taunt the Bellas. Nothing happens. Aren’t you glad we got to see that?
Anyhow. Team B.A.D. gets to the ring. Banks says it’s good to be home. She put the “boss” in “Boston”. The Bellas show up. They also have a mic. Nikki says Banks is like the Boston Red Sox: overrated. She says the Sox won’t win the World Series — unlike the Yankees. She’s also wearing a Yankee hat, being the life-long Yankee fan she’s always been. She says the Yankees will “go all the way”. Naomi says that Nikki knows all about “going all the way”, ISSHERITE? Nikki pushes her “streak”. Banks says it doesn’t matter. She’s not champ now and it won’t matter who might be champ after HITC because the winner will keep the title warm for Sasha Banks. Finally, OH! There’s a match!
MATCH #6: Team B.A.D. (Tamina, Naomi & Sasha Banks) vs. Team Bella (Nikki Bella, Brie Bella & Alicia Fox) Nikki and Naomi fight with Naomi rubbing Nikki’s head in her ass. Slut-shaming? Moves involving women’s asses? #DIVASREVOLUTION!Tag to Banks who kicks Nikki in the head and puts on a wristlock but Super Nikki breaks it and it’s a tag to Brie who weakly tosses Banks into the corner. Banks fights back and stomps on Brie’s chest. After break, Fox hits a Spinning Backbreaker on Naomi for two. Tag to Brie for a Bulldog and two count. Brie taunts Banks, then turns an elbows Naomi in the stomach before hitting IRRESPONSIBLE DRUNK MODE. Tag to Nikki who beats on Naomi. Nikki taunts Team B.A.D. but Naomi rolls her up for two. Naomi breaks the Chinlock of Doom but Nikki knocks her down for two. Nikki headbutts Naomi’s stomach in the corner and it’s a tag to Fox who hits the Northern Lights Suplex for two. Fox locks in a lazy-looking headlock as the crowd begs to see Sasha. Naomi breaks but Brie tags in and starts hitting YES Kicks which get “NO” from the crowd. Naomi fights back but Brie blocks her and pushes her back to the Bella corner and it’s a tag to Fox and another headlock. Naomi tries to break but, nope. Headlock #3. Naomi finally breaks and it’s a tag to Sasha. Sasha takes out the Bellas first, then knocks Fox into the corner. Banks hits a running knee and gets two. Brie interferes and each woman hits a spot until Banks hits the Backstabber and Banks Statement to win this at 11:43. WINNERS: Team B.A.D.
RATING: 1/2 a *. Banks is the only real wrestler here and got all of two minutes of this bullshit. That’s so sad and a good indicator of what WWE thinks of the Divas.
Charlotte is backstage and gives a monotonous, robotic promo, then Woo!. Hooray.
TONIGHT: John Cena’s Open Challenge
EARLIER TONIGHT: Brock took out Big Show.
Summer Rae is in the ring. She says that “Summer may be over but Summer is just getting started.” She brings Rusev to the ring. She wants to spend an entire segment paying tribute to Rusev via video package. Fuck this with a chainsaw. Rusev is smiling and says that he’s flattered. He says when they first started out, he didn’t like Summer at all but, as time went on, he could not imagine anyone else he’d like on his arm. Summer stutters through the next portion. She says she has to ask him something. She gets down on one knee and she pulls out a ring box. She asks Rusev to marry her. Rusev just paces and sorta begs off. He says he doesn’t know. Summer begs him. She tells him to say “yes”. The crowd chants “NO”. Rusev tells everyone to shut up because it’s his choice. He says…yes! They embrace and kiss. She goes to put the ring on his finger — but Rusev interjects. He says yes…but not yet. He shuts the ring box. He says that they must prove that they are worthy first. He must have gold around his waist first before gold goes around Summer’s finger. He leaves and Summer looks depressed. Rusev hold the ropes open for her and tells Summer to get her ass out of the ring. They leave.
THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Roman Reigns and Randy Orton face Bray Wyatt and Braun Strowman. AGAIN!
John Cena comes to the ring to finish this show off. It’s Open Challenge time. The opponent is…
Dolph Ziggler.
All righty then. Not a bad idea…except Ziggler doesn’t show up. Christ…it’s the fucking New Day. And they’ve beaten up Ziggler. The crowd shits on this. Woods asks Cena about “getting serious” and he asks if Ziggler’s beating is “serious enough for him”. Kofi wonders who will accept the Open Challenge and do their stupid little goofy cutesy act. Kofi says everything is BIG in Boston. There’s only one competitor who can match the BIG moment.
Big E.
MATCH #7: John Cena (champion) vs. Big E (challenger) (w/ Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston) for the WWE United States Championship Cena hits a headlock. Big E breaks it and shoulderblocks Cena as Woods screams that his name is “Big E for a reason”. After a break, Big E slams Cena to the mat twice and gets two. Cena comes back with a roll-up. Two count. E puts Cena to the mat and it’s a two count. Cena gets to a corner and E tells him to get up. Cena does and E misses a corner spear. Cena runs at E who counters with a Spinebuster and Warrior Splash. Two count. Cena rolls off the mat and E hits him with a big Warrior Splash. Two count. Cena gets up and fights back, hitting punches but E just runs at Cena and knocks him down with a clothesline. Two count. E runs at Cena who ducks and slings E over the ropes and out of the ring. Cena goes outside and to tries an Irish Whip but E reverses and Cena goes into the stairs. E rolls Cena into the ring and gets two. Cena gets to his feet and starts hitting punches. He shoulderblocks E who doesn’t go down. He tries a crossbody. E catches him but Cena counters and puts him to the mat. 5Ks hits. Cena goes for the AA but The New Day helps E out, pulling E off his shoulders. Charles Robinson tosses The New Day from the ring instead of DQ’ing them. Big E grabs the trombone. He misses Cena by a mile. The ref sees this. Doesn’t DQ E for that either and, suddenly, this is a Seahawk game. Cena hits an AA to win this at 9:54. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: *. Boring, listless and pointless. A match with Kofi is obvious and nobody honestly cares or believes that’s gonna have a different result.
Post-match, The New Day runs in for a beatdown. Ziggler comes into the ring and accidentally Superkicks Cena. The Dudleyz show up but The New Day overpowers them. Kofi hits two TIPs on Bubba. The New Day stands tall as we go off the air.
OVERALL: Eh…started well enough but constant tag matches and another boring, soulless Open Challenge does not a good RAW make.
QUANTICO Season 1, Episode 2 “America” AIR DATE: October 4, 2015 GRADE: C
Last week, we told you that Quantico’s success depended on how much of its bullshit you were willing to put up with. If you had a rough time doing so last week, you might want to skip this week because the show has decided to go balls-out ridiculous.
Alex Parrish is now on the run following the devastating terrorist attack on New York City which left a little over 100 people dead. So, what does Alex do? Why, she cuts her hair, colors it, then changes clothing so as not to tip off the FBI who must have taken witness statements that she was wearing FBI-branded clothing and running around the surrounding area. Just kidding. She does none of that and then runs around the surrounding area, requesting to see video footage from local businesses and even calls up the FBI to taunt them. Also, she’s bleeding because she never bothered to stop long enough to clean up a cut. Then she has to roughly disable a sweet little coffee barista who notices she’s bleeding, which does everything but make me side with her.
“America” is the follow-up episode for ABC’s new drama Quantico and, of course, we get a whole lot of “new” — as in new characters, new information, new situations, new twists and turns, new plot threads. That’s all well and good but let’s try for some consistency. The new arc deals with the recruits’ first few weeks training within Quantinco, following the horrific suicide of Eric, the Mormon dude who ABC cynically got rid of because of the controversy of his Mormon practices being portrayed as…Mormon. But, anyway, it’s worth noting that the guy who drove him to suicide was welcome back to the team. Caleb reappears. He’s back. Also, he’s an FBI analyst now. Full commendation because suicidal “ticking timebombs” are a danger to the FBI because that’s how the FBI works. Look, the sooner you move on, the sooner we can get done with this episode.
Besides Caleb, we suddenly have two new characters. The first, Nathalie Vazquez (Anabelle Acosta), hates Alex and aims to one-up her at every single turn because they’re both women. At least, that’s what I’m gathering. Nathalie wasn’t here last week and besides the fact that “she’s a cop” and “the FBI likes cops” and that she’s here because “she wants to do more than cops can”, there’s not much else to say about her. That, and she has a thing for Ryan. We know this because Alex declares this in a later scene with Nathalie on a New York building rooftop. We’ve also got a goofy love triangle between Simon (the token gay dude who once visited Palestine) and new analyst Elias (RIck Cosnett) which is really uncomfortable to watch because it’s mostly comprised of Elias seemingly trying to get into Simon’s pants via stalking. (The line, “I like poking holes into things” just doesn’t help how creepy Elias is.) Either that or Elias is a spy for the FBI and suspects Simon in some sort of nefarious activity. You can’t really tell because the series just can’t decide what the hell it is. Its weird mixture of spy drama and Teen Beat soapiness melds like oil and vinegar. It just doesn’t work.
You can’t trust anyone. That’s the theme for the entire episode. We know this because it’s hammered home every five minutes with smug plotting designed to enlighten and titillate its audience, keeping them on the edge of their seats, guessing who’s doing what but, in all actuality, it serves to give you a throbbing headache: Nathalie’s got a scar behind her ear, Simon picks out the perfect pair of glasses but breaks them on purpose before putting them on, Shelby is in contact with somebody who speaks a Middle Eastern dialect, the “twins” (Nimah and Raina) are part of an FBI “experiment” being headed by Miranda. Then you have Alex who, aside from eye-fucking all male trainees, just wants the truth about her father and does her damndest to get it. This includes solving some really silly trainee exercises: when the trainees are given “reconstructed crime scenes” to unravel and solve, nobody wins the exercise — except Alex because she figured out that the “crime scenes” aren’t really crime scenes…they’re…reconstructed…? Isn’t this show clever?
Even worse is the cringe-inducing dialogue:
“Recruits…we’ve given you the haystacks…let’s see if you can find the needles!”
Which is frustratingly recalled later:
“I’m going to plaster your face all over the news! You won’t last a day!”
“A day is all I need!”
“What are you gonna do, Agent Parrish?”
“I’m going to find the needle!”
All of this begs the question — and this is a bit of an extension of last week’s question — “Is the FBI this goddamn stupid?” I mean, reading the summaries of the characters above and their odd, suspicious behavior, how is the FBI even an organization anymore? Are their exercises really this goofy? Did none of these people get vetted? And, if so, is the corruption in the FBI running this deep that the higher-ups are in cahoots with one of them? Is the whole thing just one big test? I’m fine when shows try to establish plot twists, jerking an audience’s chain, but I cannot help but think that Quantico is trying much too hard to be tricky — and much too soon.
Season 5, Episode 1: “Separation Anxiety” Original Air Date: Oct. 4th, 2015 Grade: B+
Welcome to season 5 of Homeland where the characters have all changed and sides don’t matter. Right off the bat in the season’s premiere, “Separation Anxiety”, we see a completely different Carrie Mathison. She’s at a Catholic mass and she seems…calm. She’s not her usual self, eyes flitting about the room like a wounded animal. Instead, she participates in the sacrament, at ease with her life. Two years away from the CIA has done a lot to improve Carrie’s psyche.
The scene quickly changes to following one of the new characters this season as he walks through Berlin to Club King George, a front for a German porn studio. Our bearded friend, also known for the time being as Gabe H. Coud (“douchebag” backwards), heads straight to the back to show off his video editing skills of a Taliban recruiting video, turning their serious message into a silly one and then uploading it to one of the more popular recruiting sites in Germany. He isn’t alone in keeping an eye on the site, as Berlin station chief Allison Carr of the CIA is also nosing around the site. The two sides play cat and mouse for a bit until the Germans get the better of the CIA and hack into their data files, taking hold of 1361 top secret documents before the CIA can pull the plug.
Saul, not the new director of the CIA, is enraged at this news of a leak as the documents contained detailed information about a U.S.-run spying program in Germany put in place to keep an eye on terrorists in Europe. Germany isn’t too pleased about the possibility of these documents being released either because it makes them look like hypocrites after promising not to spy on its citizens. It’s a timely topic, as Homeland is wont to do, with spying on citizens in both the U.S. and Germany still being such a hot button issue.
Saul runs into Carrie who apologizes to her mentor for him not getting the directorship of the CIA. He tells her that isn’t important now and that she’s acting like a child by working for the “other side.” When the trailer with this scene first aired, I was inclined to agree with Saul, as Carrie often acted like a child when it came to getting her way, but seeing it in context of the show, I’m actually angry on Carrie’s behalf. Saul’s angry that Carrie left the CIA, that much is obvious (why he wouldn’t understand her decision after the events of last season, I have idea), but for him to treat her this way makes him look like the child, not her. In any event, this interaction only started what was the beginning of my Anti-Saul campaign, which lasted for the entire length of the episode.
Meanwhile, Carrie continues to live her life peacefully, maintaining sanity for a world record amount of about ten minutes before shit hits the fan. Since Carrie left the CIA, she’s been working as head of security for the Düring Foundation, run by philanthropist Otto Düring. Düring surprises Carrie with planning a last minute trip the Lebanon/Syria border to visit General Alladia camp, a refugee camp that is quickly becoming overrun. Düring wants to raise funds for the camp, getting food and medical supplies, but can only do so if he goes himself to film video showing other investors what the conditions are and why they should all “write a check.” He gives Carrie three days to make arrangements for the trip and she’s, naturally, frustrated. I can’t even make dinner plans that quickly.
At her daughter’s birthday party, we’re treated to a view of Carrie’s new life–a solid relationship with her daughter, a stable boyfriend, and smiles all around. I don’t want to see any of this ripped from her, but being Homeland I know I’ll have about five more seconds of happiness before things are back to running off the rails. I just hope and pray that doesn’t end with her in Quinn’s arms. Again. ANYWAY, Laura Sutton, a journalist at the Düring Foundation makes an appearance at Frannie’s birthday party with news that a hacker has sent her top secret CIA documents and she wants Carrie to vet them. Carrie bows out, telling Laura that she isn’t part of that game anymore and maybe, just maybe, Laura should wait before she publishes anything she’ll regret. Girlfriend disagrees and decides to publish the documents anyway.
Carrie meets with a local Imam, Sheikh Hafiz Al Haria, to discuss safe passage for Otto Düring while in the refugee camp. He tells her that he doesn’t have a connection to Hezbollah but in true Carrie fashion, she persists until she gets an answer she wants. Later, Carrie is kidnapped for like the 457th time in her career to meet with a Al-Amin, a Hezbollah commander who tells her that it is up to the Council to decide if Düring should be invited to the camp. She pleads with Al-Amin, using the poor state of the camp as the basis for Düring’s visit. Her plan works as later that night she receives a phone call, inviting Düring to General Alladia camp.
Peter Quinn also returns in the season premiere and he’s a changed man. If you thought Quinn was headed to a dark place in season 4, he seems almost too far gone in season 5. I’m talking like a shade of Archer’s slightly darker black turtleneck. After giving a brief on the sorry state of things in Syria, and getting frustrated with politicians lack of understanding, Saul is intent on continuing to push Quinn to the brink, using him as a bounty hunter, targeting persons of Saul’s choosing. Even Dar Adal, still not someone I trust after that whole relationship with Haqqani came to light last season, says that he’s not worried about the mission, he’s worried about Peter. We should all be worried about Peter.
Considering the way things ended last season, I didn’t expect season 5 to open in such a slow, meandering manner, but I’m kind of glad it did. The show needed a change and Carrie leaving the CIA, the setting being in Berlin were welcome changes that made it feel fresh. It doesn’t answer some of the many unanswered questions from last season which I’m pretty bummed about, but I hope they get to them soon. In the meantime, I’m happy with where Homeland is headed.
Thoughts:
I giggled at “Gabe H. Coud.”
Is it just me or is Otto Düring oddly likable? Naive, but likable.
Both Saul and Quinn have become much darker versions of the characters we’ve known in Carrie’s absence. I wonder if the both of them aren’t too far gone at this point for even Carrie to help save.
I like Carrie outside of the CIA. She’s back to being a strong, intelligent woman who understands the world but isn’t running around screaming about conspiracy theories. What’s the over/under on how quickly that changes?
I lost count of how many current event topics they covered in this episode. Four? Five? In any event, I enjoyed it.
Season 2, Episode 2: “The Boo” Air date: October 4, 2015
The first season of The Last Man on Earth saw Phil Miller burning every bridge around him, to the point of exile from the last community of people on earth. This latest season offered hope for a second chance and a fresh start, but was quickly derailed when Phil accidentally left Carol behind at a gas station. Knowing how much she missed the people they left behind at Tucson, he returns to find the old community abandoned and no sign of Carol. “The Boo” doesn’t provide many satisfying answers, but does give us a clearer idea of where the season might be heading.
Though Phil risks his life to travel back to Tucson in hopes of meeting Carol, Carol dutifully waits at the same gas station at which he left her. It’s this fundamental disconnect and Phil’s inability to understand the perspectives and intentions of those around him that lie at the heart of so many of the The Last Man on Earth’s conflicts. After a season of more harmful misunderstandings and disastrous lapses in judgement, we are now reminded that even benign mistakes can spiral out of control. There’s some hint of redemption for Phil here, though–he has the clever idea to write Carol messages on the side of trains, and sends them off across the countryside for Carol to see. They’re eventually reunited, but Phil soon has to explain that Tucson has been abandoned.
The mystery doesn’t linger for long, however–Phil eventually discovers a note from Melissa, asking Carol to come to Malibu to join the group, but it also specifically warns her not to bring Phil, as it wouldn’t be safe for him. In Phil’s usual panic and selfishness, he chooses not to tell Carol. To be fair, however, he has shown growth: he’s more guilt-ridden about it than usual, and ultimately he drives Carol there even though she decided to stay in Tucson. That’s progress, right? They eventually arrive in Malibu, unsure of what to expector what sort of danger awaits Phil. As Phil waits in a ghillie suit at a distance, Carol approaches the group–now with a new member, played by Will Ferrell–and surprises them. Her boo, after which the episode is named, immediately gives Will Ferrell’s character a heart attack.
At the end of last season, it really wasn’t clear what would happen to Phil and Carol. Being banished from Tucson seemed like the best thing that could’ve happened to Phil–he had burned so many bridges and ruined every relationship with the other survivors that a fresh start seemed like the only reasonable option. Now, it’s clear that Phil and Carol are going to be reunited with the old group. With the exception of Will Ferrell’s character (who seems likely to be short-lived), we don’t have much indication that anything will be different. I trust that it’ll be more than merely be a change of scenery, but it’s difficult to imagine Phil working his way back into the group’s good graces again.
A lot of visual gags stand out more than the written jokes, notably Bryce getting crushed by a steamroller, the terrifying bug-eyed effigies that Phil makes.of the others, and the beach full of dead whales.
“That’s what people do for those about whom they care!”
“You haven’t seen a beach until you’ve seen a California beach.”
Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 3, Episode 2 – “The Funeral” Air date: October 4, 2015
Brooklyn Nine-Nine returns this week with our favorite precinct under the command of none other than the Vulture (Dean Winters). While the detectives bristle under the Vulture’s tyrannical and incompetent rule, Captain Holt spirals deeper into depression after a visit to the Nine-Nine reminds him of everything he’s lost. Although the late Captain Dozerman barely lasted a single episode, it seems like the Vulture might stick around a while. For those who want to see Holt back in command of the Nine-Nine, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel just yet, but “The Funeral” offers up some great jokes and highlights the friendships that make the show so great.
Jake fails almost immediately in his attempt to ingratiate himself to the Vulture (“I knew that you were faking it! I bet you don’t even like nip-slips!”), and the Vulture demands that he end his relationship with Amy or get demoted. They spend the episode searching for a way out of their predicament, which is the main focus and source of hijinks for the episode. However, it’s Captain Holt’s subplot that really shines in “The Funeral”–Andre Braugher once again steals the show as a drunk, depressed, and defeated Raymond Holt. He lost his precinct, but the totality of his defeat didn’t sink in until he saw the Nine-Nine under the command of the Vulture. It might be the lowest point for Holt yet, but it might be some of Braugher’s finest work on the show. Somehow, filtering everything through Raymond Holt’s stoic personality is a joke that hasn’t gotten old yet, and Braugher’s ability to squeeze so much nuance from his deadpan delivery is truly remarkable. Ultimately, it’s Terry’s support and Jake’s persistence that inspire Holt to use what little leverage he can to save the day, getting the Vulture to back and allow Jake to keep his job.
Boyle had a bit of a strange subplot as well: as it turns out, he’s been having casual hook ups with another officer at the recent funerals. Rosa and Gina are of course disgusted, but also surprised that he would be so comfortable with anonymous sex. Their skepticism gets the better of Boyle, who can’t help but start asking questions. He’s heartbroken to discover that the woman he’s been hooking up with is a gluten-free vegan (evidently, a deal breaker), but Gina and Rosa are there to cheer him up. It’s one of the weaker subplots we’ve seen from this show, but it’s a nice showcase for Gina and Rosa, who don’t share enough screen time together. Given Boyle’s infatuation with Rosa in season one and his fling with Gina in season two, it’s also nice for the show to show a typical, supportive friendship without feeling obligated to dredge up old history. There aren’t many shows where the characters are merely capable of moving on.
It’s great to have Dean Winters back as the Vulture, a more aggressive and obnoxious version of his 30 Rock role as Dennis “The Beeper King” Duffy. He’s great at it, and I wish he played some version of this character in every show. Having him be a lasting presence on the show as the Nine-Nine’s newest commander is an interesting choice however–his abrasive nature was always best in smaller doses, so I can’t imagine him staying for very long. How many more commanders will the show churn through, and will Captain Holt ever make it back to his beloved Nine-Nine?
“He stared at me for 90 seconds while he ate an entire peach”
“He heard I speak Spanish and made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.”
“No, Scully butt-dialed me yesterday and he still hasn’t hung up.”
“Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs beaujolais from a burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it’s a sauterne glass. Look–the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.”
“This is what i have so far: ‘Pain.’ That’s it.”
“One thing I won’t do is fart in church. It’s god’s house.”
“And now, for a message of hope. Everything is garbage!”
With the latest James Bond thriller, SPECTRE, set to explode onto movie screens on November 6th, The Workprint is doing its due diligence to rank the characters of this longest running franchise in movie history. And as with all things we’re going to let the ladies go first by ranking the Bond Girls that’ve been by 007’s side since 1962.
Now naturally, James isn’t usually a one-woman man so to qualify for this list we’ve put up the leading lady (AKA the one who James is canoodling with as the end credits start to roll) from each of the 23 films in the official series thus far. There will be a ranking of those other ladies coming in a few weeks.
So without further adieu here is the diffinitive ranking of the leading Bond Girls – how high did your favorite rank?
23. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards – The World Is Not Enough) Memorable Quote: “Do you wanna put that in English for those of us who don’t speak spy?”
Surely you weren’t expecting anyone else in this low spot of honor. The casting of Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist (and the character’s overall existence entirely) is a strange and questionable addition to what is otherwise a completely top-notch Bond film. Most of her lines are as giggle inducing as her wardrobe choices but all of it is almost worth it to hear the film’s immortal closing line: “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.” Oh, James!
22. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles – Moonraker)
Memorable Quote: “Take me ’round the world one more time.”
Rocket Scientist. Astronaut. CIA Agent. The ridiculously named Holly Goodhead is all of these things. What isn’t she, you ask? Well for starters she’s not played a good actress. It takes some seriously questionable acting skills to make such a potentially exciting woman so wooden, but alas that’s what we got with poor Lois Chiles
21. Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts – A View To A Kill) Memorable Quote: “I’d sell everything and live in a tent before I give up.”
Gorgeous but with a voice of emphysema, Stacey Sutton is yet another beautiful young woman in a laughably ill-suited job. As a San Francisco geologist she comes in handy to deliver exposition on how the film’s villain plans to flood Silicon Valley, but beyond that she’s mostly around to unleash raspy screams every time she gets in trouble. Perhaps most glaring though: SHE LETS A BLIMP SNEAK UP ON HER! So not cool.
20. Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland – The Man With the Golden Gun) Memorable Quote: “Somebody locked me in a boot.”
Over the years James Bond has worked hand in hand with a number of highly intelligent and capable women. Mary Goodnight is not one of them. In fact, the thought of her actually being hired to work for the British Secret Service is so absurd that the only proper reaction to this character is hysteric laughter.
19. Tiffany Case (Jill St. John – Diamonds Are Forever) Memorable Quote: “Keep leaning on that tooter, Charlie, and you’re gonna get a shot in the mouth.”
Tiffany Case is yet another in the line of less than intelligent Bond Girls, which makes her apparent profession of diamond smuggler questionable at best. Her razor sharp sass gives her a bit of an edge over some of the bimbos listed above but she’s still far from being one of Bond’s best mates.
18. Kara Milovy (Maryam d’abo – The Living Daylight) Memorable Quote: “Back end of horse!”
Insert snoring noise here for this Eastern European cellist. She could cure the worst insomnia.
17. Camille (Olga Kurylenko – Quantum of Solace)
Memorable Quote: “There is something horribly efficient about you.”
As tradition goes, each Bond film ends with the gorgeous leading lady in his arms for what we assume will be a marathon session of sexy time, but Camille has the distinction of being the one lady to just walk away. And I don’t want to knock her for not putting out (Both she and Bond are clearly broken at the end of the film) but she’s not particularly engaging on any other level either. Humorless and often scowling, Camille just can’t quite compare with her far more charming peers.
16. Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama – You Only Live Twice)
Memorable Quote: “No honeymoon. This is business.”
Bond Girl names rarely come as enjoyable as the great Kissy Suzuki’s, but unfortunately the movie she stars in fails to make the most of her. For most of You Only Live Twice Bond is accompanied by the ridiculously likable Aki who unfortunately meets her end about ¾ of the way through the flick. In her place we get Kissy as Bond’s undercover wife. Sure, she’s a great swimmer and doesn’t shy away from an epic battle inside a hollowed-out volcano lair, but we never get to know her on a deeper level, which renders her one of the more forgettable ladies to end up in Bond’s arms.
15. Solitaire (Jane Seymour – Live and Let Die)
Memorable Quote: “Is there time before we leave, for Lesson Number 3?”
Live and Let Die’sSolitaire has the remarkable power to see the future using her famous tarot cards, which is obviously a lot more than any other Bond Girl can say…BUT when 007 takes away this power along with her virginity she pretty much just turns her into your standard damsel in distress. Seymour was certainly a great beauty at the time but that’s not nearly enough to make up for being a seemingly helpless character.
14. Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell – Licence to Kill)
Memorable Quote: “Why don’t you wait until you’re asked?”
At first glance this future Law & Order star doesn’t seem to fit the classic Bond Girl mold but her smarts, piloting skills, and handiness with a shotgun make her one of Bond’s most capable female allies. Just don’t piss her off – she’s a salty one.
13. Severine (Bérénice Marlohe – Skyfall)
Memorable Quote: “One can never be too careful when handsome men in tuxedos carry Walthers.”
In many ways Judi Dench’s ‘M’ was the true leading lady of Skyfall but since 007 never seemed interested in getting naked with his beloved superior I like to consider Bérénice Marlohe’s Severine as the real Bond Girl of that film. Gorgeous, mysterious, and full of va-va-voom appeal, Severine may have been too short-lived to contend as one of the best Bond Girl’s but her appearance was memorable enough to beat out many other members of her cinematic sisterhood.
12. Domino (Claudine Auger – Thunderball)
Memorable Quote: “What sharp little eyes you’ve got.”
Domino is the kind of Bond Girl who – aside from looking fantastic in swimwear – doesn’t really get to do a whole lot except for mourn her dead brother and coldly tease Bond BUT when it comes time to pull her weight she really comes through in a big way. Phew!
11. Jinx (Halle Berry – Die Another Day)
Memorable Quote: “Oh, I’ll always be a jinx to you.”
Halle Berry may have been forced to deliver some of the series’ cheesiest one-liners but she makes up for it by kicking all sorts of ass every chance she gets. She even generated enough heat to warrant talks of a spin-off film. It sadly never came to fruition but it’s a fun distinction that helps her stand out from the rest of the crowd.
10. Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi – From Russia With Love) Memorable Quote: “James, behave yourself. We are being filmed.”
Not every Bond Girl can be a great warrior and Tatiana is an example of one who ranks in the top half of this list for simply being likable. In addition to being a great beauty, Tatiana comes with an innocent and playful nature that is often missing from 007’s leading ladies. In short, she’s the kinda Bond Girl you could take home to Mom.
9. Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco – Goldeneye) Memorable Quote: “You think I’m impressed? All of you with your guns, your killing, your death. For what? So you can be a hero? All the heroes I know are dead.”
Poor Natalya was just a normal, Russian computer programmer when she got swept up into Bond’s adventures and this normally might make for a dull Bond Girl but her stunning looks, insane computer skills, and surprising bravery make her one of 007’s most unlikely but memorable partners.
8. Octopussy (Maud Adams – Octopussy)
Memorable Quote: “Oh, James, we’re two of a kind. There are vast rewards for a man of your talents, willing to take risks.”
You’ve gotta show respect for the only Bond Girl to have the whole movie named after her! She may have floated in that gray area between hero and villain but this cult leader/circus magnate/smuggler is a woman of great power and demands respects for days.
7. Wai-Lin (Michelle Yeoh – Tomorrow Never Dies)
Memorable Quote: “It’s mostly dull routine, of course, but every now and then you get to sail on a beautiful evening like this and sometimes work with a decadent agent of a corrupt Western power.”
If this was a fighting competition Wai-Lin would be at the top of the list hands down. Never before has Bond worked with someone so physically capable of taking down baddies as efficiently as him. Her solo fight scene in the Vietnamese safe house: Ass-kicking GOLD.
6. Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet – For Your Eyes Only)
Memorable Quote: “I’m half Greek and Greek women like Elektra always avenge their loved ones.”
Everyone loves a good revenge story so it’s hard not to fall a little bit in love with the stunningly gorgeous Melina who heads out into the world of espionage to avenge her murdered parents with crossbow firmly in hand. Bond could have stuck around to make an honest woman out of her but he was clearly embarrassed by her jalopy of a car.
5. Anya Amasova (Barbara Bach – The Spy Who Loved Me) Memorable Quote: “I have never failed on a mission, Commander. Any mission.”
There is probably no Bond Girl more intimidating than Major Anya Amasova who is better known by her Russian comrades as Triple X. She and Bond got off to a rough start (he did kill her lover after all) but their ‘Man From U.N.C.L.E.’-like pairing grows to be one of the more formidable team-ups in 007’s history. And she also gets bonus points for Bach going on in life to become Mrs. Ringo Starr.
4. Honey Rider (Ursula Andress – Dr. No)
Memorable Quote: “I put a black widow spider underneath his mosquito net… a female and they’re the worst. It took him a whole week to die. Did I do wrong?”
It’s hard to beat the original of anything and as the original Bond Girl, Ursula Andress proves why that’s true. Rising out the ocean in that white bikini is one of the most iconic moments in movie history and created a nearly insurmountable benchmark for all of the women that would follow her into 007’s arms.
3. Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman – Goldfinger)
Memorable Quote: “You can turn off the charm. I’m immune.”
When one hears the term “Bond Girl” it’s almost impossible to not immediately think of Pussy Galore. That cheeky name, her famous roll in the hay with Sean Connery, and that bevy of big-breasted female pilots under her control all make her top notch Bond Girl material. It’s tempting to scoff at the idea of 007 turning this lesbian straight but hey – this is pure fantasy and they don’t get much dreamier than her!
2. Vesper Lynd (Eva Green – Casino Royale)
Memorable Quote: “I’m the money.”
Aside from this list’s number one choice, no Bond Girl has ever had as much impact on Bond as this tragic femme fatale. Vesper managed to get under Bond’s skin in a way that tempted him to leave the service but her ultimate betrayal left him bitter and uttering, “the bitch is dead.” But hey, at least he named his classic martini after her first!
And finally, the greatest Bond girl of all time is…
1. Teresa ‘Tracy’ Bond (Diana Rigg – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)
Memorable Quote: “Teresa was a Saint; I’m known as Tracy.”
It’s hard to imagine putting any Bond Girl other than Tracy in the Number One spot of this list. Her classic beauty, impeccable style, fierce independence, and athleticism are the traits that made audiences fall in love with her but they also worked their charms on Bond himself, which earned her the distinction of being the only woman to ever actually tie the knot with 007. Regardless of the tragic ending to their love story, Tracy lives on as a beacon of perfection that remains to be topped.
Stay tuned next week for the ranking of the greatest Bond villains!
HAWAII FIVE-0 Season 6, Episode 2
“Lehu a Lehu”
(“Ashes to Ashes”)
AIR DATE: October 2, 2015
GRADE: B-
Five-0 deals with some guy who keeps leaving empty briefcases with cryptic clues before blowing up the actual target real good. Yep. We’re somewhat back to basics here. With the silly “Pirates of Waikiki” episode thankfully behind us, Hawaii Five-0 gives us the usual formula: car chases, glowering guest star villains and a bunch of explosions. Did I mention explosions? Lots of those this week. That’s because the antagonist is one of those “mad bombers” we’ve come to know and love from years of television and film. I’ve got nothing against this trope. It makes for good entertainment. If done right, it’s metal as f**k. If done wrong, you have a bunch of explosions with law enforcement running from one bomb site to the next.
“Ashes to Ashes” presents the mad bomber trope as a middle ground between those two and gives us a small twist. As McGarrett weighs a marriage proposal and Kono out of action, helping Adam to physically recover from his shooting last week at the hands of the evil Gabriel Waincroft, the bomber leaves a clue for Five-0 in the form a flash drive. What’s on it? Some psycho’s Final Cut Pro thesis, showing photos tinged with CGI fire and a creepy voice, reciting a “Ladybug, Ladybug”. What’s the bomber want? He has an affinity for imprisoned serial arsonist Jason Duclair (Randy Couture) who, if you don’t remember, we met last season in “Nanahu”. The bomber idolizes Duclair and threatens another big bang if Duclair doesn’t see the light of day.
Of course, McGarrett and company comply with this, putting Duclair face-to-face with a severely warped individual named “Andre Trout” (further proof Hawaii Five-0 needs some help naming some of one-time players), who’s basically an anorexic Francis Dollarhyde and walks around with a tank of gas on his back so he can light everything (including Duclair for some reason) on fire. For all its fire and gunshots, however, the final third of this is where we find the episode (and the show) at it’s most compelling: Duclair has escaped certain death at the hands of Trout — but he’s hurt, bleeding badly from his right leg. Without medical attention, he’s screwed.
Does he know somebody on the outside or use some sort of inner-prison knowledge who can help him? He could probably do that — but Duclair’s a victim of his own sickness, a “tortured soul” as he tells McGarrett. Whereas Trout killed for attention, Duclair set fires and murdered because it was an integral part of his soul. The problem Duclair faces now is that he can’t escape his overwhelming thoughts of committing horrible acts of violence. They’re too loud — and the only way he can stop them is by being alone. “In a way, It’s ironic,” he tells McGarrett. “Freedom is my prison.” So, he eats one last good meal — a steak dinner with a glass of wine at a fancy restaurant — and gives McGarrett the key to a post office box. What McGarrett finds is shocking, yet fitting. His latest murder victim is wrong in every sense of moralistic judgement — yet, it’s justifiable. It works.
Up until then, “Ashes to Ashes” is Hawaii Five-0 on auto-pilot. It’s the television equivalent of Instant Ramen where the showrunners simply add water (or, in this case, a mad bomber) to cook it and serve it up hot to the average viewer who isn’t tuning in to playoff baseball for a nice, easy, uncomplicated Friday night view. This, of course, is not without a certain caveat: the episode could be perceived as an incredibly lazy venture. In the background, once again, is the whole ordeal with Kono, Adam and the Yakuza (though we do get a shocking twist dealing with the latter that really ratchets up the potential for heavy bloodshed in the future) as well as the whole “marriage proposal” storyline with McGarrett and Catherine, who has been so under-used, it’s criminal and unforgivable.
That second storyline does give us a cute little exchange between Danny and McGarrett, however:
“Speaking of ‘caving’…what happened? Did you just bail on the proposal?”
“No, I didn’t ‘bail’. I’ve been planning the op.”
“‘The op‘?”
“Yeah! Secure the ring, I recon the location, I just gotta execute.”
“Wow! I mean, it’s just, it sounds so romantic the way you say it, you know? I mean, I can see it now: you and Catherine in matching camouflage cargo pants, on some very exotic shooting range and you get down on one knee and you say, ‘Babe, I want you to join my unit for a life-long mission!'”
It’s moments like this that we watch this show for — even when the rest of it is just a big bowl of noodle soup.
DANCING WITH THE STARS - “Episode 2103” - Host of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and Season 19 Mirrorball Champion, Alfonso Ribeiro, returned to the ballroom for a special TV Night themed episode of "Dancing with the Stars" LIVE on MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. Taking part in the celebration, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, The Great Gonzo, Pepé the King Prawn, and other Muppets kicked off the evening followed by a huge opening number featuring the cast of "Dancing with the Stars." The night continued when each couple performed an all-new routine to a theme song that commemorates iconic television throughout history, from "Breaking Bad" to "I Dream of Jeanie" and beyond. At the end of the night, the couple with the lowest combined judges and viewer votes from Tuesday, September 22 was eliminated. (ABC/Adam Taylor)
WITNEY CARSON, JENNA JOHNSON, EMMA SLATER, ALLISON HOLKER, LINDSAY ARNOLD, SHARNA BURGESS, HAYLEY ERBERT, KARINA SMIRNOFF
So, last week, for reasons much too boring and dull to get into here, I was unable to cover the 2-night, 2-episode, FOUR hours of programming that was Dancing With the Stars. It just couldn’t be done. I mean, I love the Tango as much as the next guy, but come ON!!! Four HOURS??? That’s, like, two and a half movies. It’s just too much time. This show is already on the air 75 times a year as is, now they are doing 4 hours a week on top of it? No. Just … no. I have a life over here. It’s enough already. So basically, to catch you up, all that really happened last week was that the couples danced to songs that were about their hometowns, and then Chaka Khan went home. That is all. And life moved on …
This week was TV Week, in which each couple danced to song from classic or iconic TV shows. (although I would beg to differ about a couple of their choices as “iconic”) Since The Muppets have their own new show on the same network, they stopped by to run the control room and generally be part of the chaos. It was good times, as Piggy tried taking over for Erin Andrews, while Kermit freaked out when he realized that while he was out on the dance floor talking to Tom Bergeron, nobody was running the control room!!!! AHHHH!!!! Also on the show this week was Guest Judge and Season 19 Champion Alfonso Rubiero. Let us begin with the analysis ….
Carlos / Witney: They did a Jazz routine to the theme from The Golden Girls. They played an old couple in love, and it was very cute , with a twist of creepy. Those wigs were god-awful, and his sweater wasnt much better. Tom Bergeron echoed my thoughts exactly with his suggestion that they “smell like menthol.” Bruno stood up and yelled that it reminded him of the movie Coccoon, and he is always bringing up that movie for no reason. He has a weird obsession with that film. Scores were 7/8/8/8,, and Len was home pooping in his Depends.
Paula / Louis: I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Actually, my mom said it to me in conversation last week and I agreed with her. “Paula Deen is a pain in the ass, huh?” Yes, yes she is. Man, that woman is needy. Always with the hug requests, and asking Louis to comfort her and such. This week she brought on the waterworks in rehearsals because she was “just sooooo tuuuuuhrd … I’m soooo tuuuurrhd…. ” (that’s “tired” in Deep South accent-speak). Their dance was to the theme from Gilligan’s Island, and she played Mrs Howell, although she kept asking to silent replies: “Why cant I be Maryann? Why?” Do you really need to ask, Paula? Really? She cried into Louis’s shirt sleeve, telling him she has been abandoned many times, to which he said: “Not this time.” After their dance, her grandsons ran onto the dance floor and awkwardly hugged her knees. Carrie Ann thought she “captured the spirit of the show”, but her scores were dreadfully low. 5/5/5/5.
Tamar / Val: Holy crap does this chick get on my last nerve. Listening to her talk is like nails on the most annoying chalkboard of all time. Their dance was a Tango to the brilliant show Mad Men, which is, of course, set in the 1960s work force, where the relationship between men and women was very different from today, and where men had all the power. Apparently she has never seen the show or doesn’t understand the concept of playing a character, because she just kept whining about everything. “Why does the dance gotta be all macho? This is sexist. Why cant the woman be the boss? Why cant the female be the one in charge?” BECAUSE ITS MAD MEN, YOU MORON! JUST DO THE DAMN DANCE! She did, and it was great. The choreography was excellent, and that theme song kicks ass. Bruno stood and yelled about “Dirty ruthless business!!!” Huh? Julianne thought it had an innocence that was beautiful. Scores were 8/9/8/8.
Alexa / Mark: Jazz routine to the theme from Breaking Bad. This dance was absolutely awesome and kind of brilliant. Mark is obsessed with the show, its his all time favorite show, so his choreography was spot on to the characters and feel of the show. His bald cap and costume really made him an excellent Walter White, and their masks and yellow meth coats were the perfect costumes. This was a jazz routine, but it felt very much like contemporary to me. I loved it, and the judges did too. Horny Carrie Ann called it “genius!” Alfonso thought it was awesome, and told Alexa that she could win the show. Julianne said it was the first time that the couple danced like a team. Scores were 9/9/9/9.
Andy / Allison: Their Quickstep was to the theme from American Bandstand. Loved their cute costumes, especially her colorful skirt and top. Andy already looks like he is straight outta 1954. Fun dance. Judges liked it, and scores were okay, but could have been higher. 7/7/8/7.
Gary / Anna: They did a Tango to The Addams Family, and talk about perfect casting. Gary’s bizarre nature was perfect for this role. In rehearsal and footage, producers asked Gary some questions and he told them to “slow down and start over”, and then followed that up by telling the producer: “You talk like a woodpecker.” What??? Later, when asked another question about how he felt about the dance or something to that effect, Gary responded with: “Well that’s a stupid question.” This guy kills me. Bruno found their dance to be “deliciously dysfunctional!”, while Horny Carrie Ann called it “Yummy yummy yummy!!!!”, and then cackled like a maniac. What is her deal? Alfonso screamed “I’m in love with you!” Scores were 6/7/6/6.
Alek / Lindsay: Theirs was a Tango, and it was to the tune from True Blood. I know nothing about this TV show as I’ve never seen it, but their dance was very good and they succeeded in making him sexy. Julianne thought it was perfection. Scores were 8/8/9/8. Len was still home, getting into his footie pajamas and making himself a glass of warm milk for bedtime.
Bindi / Derek: They danced a Quickstep to one of my favorite all time TV theme songs, The Jeffersons. Neither one of them has ever seen the show, which is ridiculous to me. WATCH THE SHOW! Their dance was fun and animated and energetic. Bindi maybe had 14 less cups of coffee than usual, because the judges thought it was missing something and that she seemed off. Julianne said it was not her best dance. She had a slight foot injury, which could have been the issue, since it was hurting her. Scores were still good despite all that, at 8/8/8/8.
Kim / Tony: So during the rehearsal week, Kim’s left side went numb and she was rushed to the hospital , where she had a mini-stroke due to a blood clot. She was given meds and discharged after 3 days, and appeared on Skype on air , where Tom Bergeron informed her of “the rules of the show”, which apparently state something about if you sick for certain period of time and if we find you to be an annoying person in general (not sure if it said that, but it should), then you cannot continue your duties as a “star” on the show. So, he pretty much kicked her to the curb on live TV, and said “So yeah, thanks for joining us, but bye now!” Kind of funny. So she is no longer in the competition. Tony danced with one of the pro dancers for the hell of it, I guess, to the theme from Bewitched.
Nick / Sharna: They did a Viennese Waltz to the theme from Downton Abby. It was regal, royal, and quite gorgeous. Alfonso called it near perfect, while Julianne said it was the best dance of the night. Len fell face forward into his warm milk, and then a servant named Jeeves rubbed cold Ben Gay on his head until he fell asleep. Scores were 9/9/9/9.
Hayes / Emma: I will never understand why this kid is famous in any capacity. He makes 6 second videos on VINE, and apparently, this makes him a star in some way. He annoys me. They did Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, and it was a Jive. Not really sure this show was iconic, but whatever. Horny Carrie Ann told him that he seemed out of breath, and Alfonso said he lost energy halfway through the dance. Maybe because this kid can only do things for 6 seconds, and then he’s done. Scores were 7/8/7/8.
Because they cruelly kicked off Kim, nobody else had to get eliminated this week.
Next Week: Hayes sobs in his Cocoa Puffs when his 7 second video doesn’t go viral. Len wakes up, then falls back asleep. Louis abandons Paula Deen when he trades her in for some lovely kitchen-ware.
SCANDAL - "Yes" -- The Pope and Associates team dives into a new case that takes Olivia out of D.C. and away from the President. Meanwhile, back at the White House, Fitz is determined to find who's responsible for causing the latest turn of events, and Abby receives unexpected guidance from a master of damage control as she struggles to catch a break, on "Scandal," THURSDAY OCTOBER 1 (9:00--10:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Eric McCandless)
TONY GOLDWYN
SCANDAL Season 5, Episode 2 – “Yes” Air Date: September 25, 2015 GRADE: B+
Who knew one word could shake up everything you anticipated or thought you knew? The final five seconds of the second episode of this season of “Scandal” proves that you should always expect the unexpected from Shonda Rhimes. “Scandal” has been founded on chaos between greatly flawed characters as they try to juggle the country with their own filthy baggage. The idea of this is incredibly clear as Abby (Darby Stanchfield) is left with the lingering pieces of the dirty laundry that leaves Olivia on a one way ticket out of town and President Fitz continuing to act like the brat of the White House.
Much of the gravitas within “Yes” is centered around the sensationalism that comes with the leaking of Olivia and Fitz’s flirtatious photos. One scene finds Olivia hiding in a diner only to be attacked and swarmed by nearby patrons in a move that can only be described as equivalent to Michael Jackson circa HIStory. Complete with the snatching. Thankfully, Jake continues to be the savior of the show, swooping into rescue Olivia just like the Rachel Marron she attempts to be. Great moment.
Meanwhile at the White House, the women are faced with cleaning up the mess and find themselves in multiple directions. Abby is headed to a breakdown in trying to make a statement to the press, Elizabeth North is continuing to prove why Huck should have just left her for dead and Mellie, tired of being the scapegoat, is plotting her next move. It’s overwhelming at this point watching all these women being pushed and shoved by the President’s insistence on sticking to his heart instead of his mind. The saving grace comes in from little-used but always necessary, Vice President Susan Ross (Artemis Pebdani) giving Fitz the swift blow and igniting him to actually do something he’s never too eager to do — lead.
The main case that Olivia deals with can tend to be a bore especially compared to the ongoing struggles within the White House and also the dynamic between Huck and Quinn that while dragged out is one of the most interesting relationships on television this season. It’s a tortured love affair. The kind that leaves you with a bloody mouth.
“Yes” leaves fans eager for more and unprepared for the twists and turns. But its greatest feat is that it takes a character that we all thought we knew oh so well – and makes her dangerous with just the power of her words.
The Martian (2015) Directed by: Ridley Scott Written by: Drew Goddard (based on the novel by Andy Weir) Starring: Matt Damon, Jessica Chastain, Kristen Wiig, Jeff Daniels
Most survival stories present a stranded hero who manages to persevere through a mix of strength, mental fortitude, and luck. While certainly all of these elements are present in The Martian, the real showcase here is for human ingenuity and problem solving. Astronaut Mark Watney is presumed dead after being struck by debris and swept away during an emergency evacuation in a dust storm on the surface of Mars. Alone on the red planet with nothing but the mission supplies already in place, he must devise a plan to somehow survive until the next mission can rescue him (which is four years away).
The Martian is an adaptation of a self-published novel by Andy Weir–a novel so steeped in the technical nitty gritty that it occasionally reads more like an engineering thought exercise. So extreme are Watney’s circumstances that he has no choice but to “science the shit” out of every problem he faces. The crew’s waste is collected and mixed into the martian soil in order to grow potatoes to stretch his food supply, hydrazine fuel is carefully combusted to generate water vapor to water the crops, and a clever retrofit allows Mark to finally reestablish communications with NASA. The film manages to faithfully adapt a great deal of the novel’s extremely rigorous science without getting bogged down with every technical detail of Mark’s countless problems or clever solutions.
While The Martian could easily stand on its scientific rigor alone, it also organically captures the tension and emotion of such a harrowing ordeal. The film doesn’t linger on emotional anguish or the mental toll of isolation and near-certain death, which are the common focus of such films (see: Gravity, Cast Away). These arise naturally from the incredibly bleak odds Mark faces on the surface of a hostile planet, but Matt Damon reveals these moments only sparingly, a constant reminder that Mark Watney is ultimately an extremely capable astronaut, engineer, and botanist (NASA doesn’t send just anyone out to space, you know). This applies to nearly everyone in the film, particularly the beleaguered director of NASA Teddy Sanders (Jeff Daniels) and Mark’s guilt-ridden commander Melissa Lewis (Jessica Chastain). There’s no melodrama here–only a difficult situation and a problem to solve.
Ridley Scott and screenwriter Drew Goddard streamlined the source material while preserving the elements that made the original novel such a runaway success: the celebration of humanity’s ingenuity and compassion. The entire world is captivated by Mark’s ordeal and everyone scrambles to find a way to bring him back home. In many ways, it’s a geek fantasy scenario where the entire world rallies together to solve a problem and NASA has infinite funding, but it’s hard not to get caught up in the film’s cheerleading regardless.
HEROES REBORN -- "Brave New World / Odessa" Episode 101/102 -- Pictured: Francesca Eastwood as Molly Walker -- (Photo by: Ian Watson/NBC)
Heroes Reborn
Season 1, Episode 3: “Under The Mask”
Original Air Date: October 1, 2015
Grade: B
If there was ever a character that’s had a hard life in the Heroes universe, it’s clairvoyant Molly Walker (now played by Francesca Eastwood), and it seems that she still can’t catch a break. We first met young Molly (Adair Tishler) during season one when police officer Matt Parkman (Greg Grunberg) telepathically heard her pleas of help while hiding. Sylar (Zachary Quinto) had just killed her parents for their abilities. The bogeyman then proceeded to hunt her down as well to acquire her unique gift of tracking any evolved human just by thinking about them. Molly’s difficult journey has also included being afflicted with Shanti virus, kidnapped by The Company/Primatech, attacked by Maury Parkman (Alan Blumenfeld), and then the constant moving since folks were always after her powers.
Adair Tishler as young Molly Walker
At some point between Heroes season three (when we last saw Molly) and Heroes Reborn, she falls into the hands of Renautas (who apparently was Primatech’s parent company) and was experimented on. In last week’s episode, the clairvoyant was on the run and came across a telekinetic Evo named Francis (Peter Mooney) at a gambling den. She attempted to steal money from him but was drugged by his girlfriend Taylor (Eve Harlow) instead. To make things worse, the couple was actually hunting her down.
Tonight we found out that Francis and Taylor are Renautas agents and they were looking for Molly because she is an integral part of the company’s new product, E.P.I.C.
HEROES REBORN — “Brave New World / Odessa” Episode 101/102 — Pictured: (l-r) Peter Mooney as Francis Culp, Francesca Eastwood as Molly Walker — (Photo by: John Medland/NBC)
Meanwhile, Noah Bennett/HRG (Jack Coleman) is still trying to piece together what happened a year ago that would make him want his own memory wiped. He comes across a security tape at a Texas hospital that curiously showed him and Molly together and former Primatech agent decides that he needs to find her even more urgently.
Speaking of Molly and HRG, how is it that she has grown up so much but HRG still looks almost the way he did in the original series? Has he found the fountain of youth? Taken some of Claire’s blood for some excellent collagen?
Molly is taken to Midian where she tries to guilt trip Taylor by saying that she’s essentially killed her Evo boyfriend for leaving him behind (the other Renautas goons wouldn’t allow him on the plane). We then discover that the trust fund girl is the daughter of Renautas CEO Erica Kravid (Rya Kihlstedt). Molly temporarily gets away from her captors and runs into HRG and Quentin Frady (Henry Zebrowski). She’s shocked to see him and refuses to anywhere with them. While HRG begs her to fill him in on why they were at the hospital together, she instead says, “There’s too much at risk. You shouldn’t have come.”
How mysterious. What exactly is at risk that she would rather face Renautas than go with Noah whom she’s known since she was a kid?
HEROES REBORN — “Under the Mask” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Jack Coleman as HRG, Francesca Eastwood as Molly — (Photo by: Christos Kalohoridis/NBC)
Utterly confused, HRG can only stare as she takes off, only to bump into Harris Prime (an Evo with the ability to clone himself), one of Erica’s top agents. She then gets taken to a room where a wire is connected into her neck (it looks like a USB slot has been carved into her) and E.P.I.C. comes online. Molly acts as the program that the technology somehow runs on. Through her gift, Renautas was able to create a Cerebro-like network that could identify every Evo on the planet. Erica demonstrates by scanning the conference room and locates an unregistered evolved human in the audience.
This device would essentially allow for the mass genocide of the Evo population, but is this truly Renautas’ end goal? There must be a larger plan. Meanwhile hidden in another room, HRG and Quentin catch the presentation and decide that they have to free Molly and destroy this technology.
HEROES REBORN — “Under the Mask” Episode 103 — Pictured: Rya Kihlstedt as Erica Kravid — (Photo by: Christos Kalohoridis/NBC)
Oh and in case you didn’t know, Cerebro is a device used in the X-Men universe by Professor Charles Xavier to detect mutants anywhere in the world. But of course you knew that already.
Alas poor Molly, is she forever doomed to be taken advantaged off? Will she ever truly escape from those want to use and abuse her? Things are looking decidedly bad for the clairvoyant right now, but her refusal to go with HRG makes me think that some larger scheme is at play and there is a chance that she is choosing to be at Renautas despite the danger to her life.
Whatever her plans are, here’s hoping she catches a real break soon. She really deserves it.
EMPIRE Season 2, Episode 2 – “Without A Country” Air Date: September 30, 2015 GRADE: B+
Let’s start by acknowledging the greatness that is Dee Rees, who directed this outstanding follow-up to the premiere. Rees was just nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Director for a Limited Series, Movie or Dramatic Special, due to her work on HBO’s “Bessie” and as a same gender loving woman of color, it’s quite monumental that she was given the chance to be apart of the global phenomenon that is Empire.
Now enough with the love. Let’s get to the drama. Lucious is out of prison in just a blink of an eye. It’s fitting that Wesley Snipes was in the running for the role of the Lyon tyrant as Terrence Howard puts on his best Nino Brown face, intimidating everyone who stands in his way and getting poor guest star Ludacris jumped for doing his job. But not all guest stars were wasted with the first appearance of Lucious’s mother, played by Destiny’s Child alum and R&B sex kitten, Kelly Rowland. While Rowland’s acting has an energy equivalent to a popsicle stick, I appreciate that her appearance is meaningful and adding to a fuller, more complete story as it juxtaposes with the battle Andre finds in himself to maintain his credibility as a savvy businessman and the realities of his bipolar disorder.
Cookie also unveils the new Lyon Dynasty – a label set to compete with the media conglomerate that is Empire Records. Interestingly, Cookie who seemed to be the wildcard of last season, steals the role Jamal held firmly as the underdog. She’s now on her own in a dilapidated warehouse with her bratty artist/son, Hakeem and his dreams of starting a 2015 version of Vanity 6. Good luck with that.
“Without A Country” reads as more of a transitional piece into the hopefully more meatier parts of the season and a foundation for the epic battle between Cookie and Lucious. With Mr. Lyon out on bail and unable to actually work within his company, he has more time to be even deadlier and vengeful. Stay up, Cookie.
THE GRINDER Season 1, Episode 1 “Pilot” AIR DATE: September 29, 2015 GRADE: A-
Dean Sanderson, Jr. is an actor. Known to TV land as “Grinder”, a take-no-prisoners, rabid pit bull of a lawyer, his character is your typical television lawyer: over-dramatic, cocky and tends to yell things to an audibly-shocked courtroom. “SHE WASN’T! ON! THE ROOFTOP!” Grinder declares in defense of a weeping client as the show-runners add a big, thumping beat between each of his stops for style points. Tonight, however, is his show’s big Series Finale — and Dean, Jr. (Rob Lowe) is having a personal little viewing party with his family which includes two real lawyers: his brother, Stewart (Fred Savage) and his dad, Dean, Sr. (William Devane). After the show’s conclusion, Dean seems a bit insecure and wants his family’s thoughts. They all eat it up with a spoon, praising him in sycophantic fashion and fawning all over him when he metaphorically describes his life after television. They all agree — except for Stewart who eye-rolls so hard at his brother’s bullshit, he might be able to see inside his own skull.
Even with a successful career practicing law and a wonderful family in his beautiful wife (and his brother’s ex) Debbie (Mary Elizabeth Ellis) and his two kids, Lizzie (Hana Hayes) and Ethan (Connor Klopsis), Stewart feels some discontent. He denies that it’s jealousy — even though his wife has no problem dubbing it as such. Between his annoyance at Dean for mouthing the dialogue to his own show during the viewing and describing his life as a “highway” he needs to “take the off-ramp from”, Stewart’s fed up with Dean making everything about himself. Their meeting in the kitchen later that evening just solidifies his point about the unnecessary theatricality:
“I couldn’t sleep,” says Dean in a hushed voice while nursing a beer and staring at the wall.
“It’s only 8:30,” Stewart replies, incredulously.
It’s here that we learn that, for all his fame, Dean’s empty. He doesn’t have a family life. He and Debbie were once an item but they split and Debbie married Stewart. He has children and a great career. Dean wants it — but just can’t have that…because…reasons. The two hug it out and, since Stewart was a great sport watching the finale, Dean opts to go see his little brother in action in the courtroom.
This is where the series gets truly meta.
Stewart’s in the middle of your typical renter’s fraud suit. The problem is that he’s the exact opposite of Grinder: e has no presence in the courtroom (all his remarks and statements to the court are on index cards — which Dean promptly tosses because Stewart’s “an encyclopedia for this crap” and doesn’t need them) and speaks a million words a second because of his nerves. His lack of confidence bleeds into the case, itself: his clients have no real hard evidence to win their case but the defendant is offering a settlement.
Enter Dean.
Grinder never settles. Why should Stewart’s clients? Stewart’s partner buys Dean’s bullshit as do his clients and Dean, Sr. because “All we do is settle!” Soon, Dean’s back in action. While Stewart wants his brother out of the house, Dean’s not about to acquiesce. Besides helping out with Stewart’s kids and their problems, Dean’s busy wearing his brother’s suits and making media appearances to fire up the public in order to turn them against the man responsible for screwing “the good people of Boise” (the landlord still makes sure to get a Selfie because Dean loves his fans, for better or worse) and, soon, a simple small claims mess becomes the trial of the century. He’s even taking The Bar because that’s probably a good idea if you’re gonna be a lawyer, right?
The Grinder works on nearly every level, but most of its success comes from the notion that the cast knows the material and plays their parts with gusto. Rob Lowe is in a role he was tailor-made for and his charisma is infectious. More importantly, he doesn’t overplay it. That’s huge because the show has been blessed with a great supporting cast. Fred Savage is perfect in the role of Stewart, your prototypical family man who just wants what’s best and is willing to take his lumps even if it delays his goals. The best thing about his character is that he’s the other half of the show’s driving force: he’s a character who doesn’t seem to realize that he’s stuck in a TV series about the legal system and it’s brilliant.
Devane can play Dean, Sr. in his sleep and it’s nice to see him in a role where he’s not reprimanding or seducing somebody. Mary Ellis is Stewart’s wife who supports her husband through thick and thin — even if she’s a little overzealous with her “yes-woman” status. The show even gives the kids a cute little side plot: Ethan is happy when a jock from his school two grades ahead of him wants to hang at his house. Turns out he is only there to hang with his sister. Dean Jr. finds out about it and, unable to allow any injustice go unpunished, negotiates with the jock to put up photos of the two boys hanging out.
“You’ll use ‘#bestfriends’ and ‘#teenlife’,” Dean instructs the Jock.
“#teenlife?!” The kid can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“What part of ‘#teenlife’ don’t you understand?” Dean says.
It’s all done with such sincerity, which is part of the show’s charm and an important tool for its future success. So, it’s easy to forgive the liberties the show takes with the legal process and procedures. If you even need to forgive them, that is. The show’s not exactly aiming for accuracy and realism. It’s a play on courtroom drama sitcoms like Law & Order and its multiple off-shoots. Jason Kasdan is fresh off FOX’s New Girl and he and his merry band of producers would seem to have a huge hit on their hands. My only worry is that the show won’t be able to sustain what it’s built since the premise is, essentially, a gimmick that may cease to be amusing after the first couple of episodes.
Scream Queens Season 1, Episode 2: “Chainsaw” Grade: B-
The facts:
I’m a 28 year old straight male.
I hate horror.
I hate Ryan Murphy.
I was assigned this show to watch by my editor, Bilal.
Let’s get to episode two of Scream Queens:
1. Spooky music has got to go.
2. Why is Grace wearing a newsboy cap? Who does that?!
3. My theory is that key costume items are the only way to tell all those basics apart.
4. Syrup on ranch chips, still not the most disgusting thing on this show.
5. Do they actually make pink tasers?
6. How many of these fucking costumes are there on campus?
7. Abigail Breslin, touch up your roots, and what the hell are you wearing on your head? Pearl bunny ears?
8. I hate you, Bilal, for forcing me to type the previous sentence.
9. I literally gagged a little listening to Abigail Breslin talking about getting Eiffel Towered by golf dudes. She was in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ goddammit.
10. She’s still the least menacing person I’ve seen on TV.
11. Ok, so are the hats worn by Grace and her roommate somehow a tell that they’re “the good ones”?
12. “You know how many times it’s ketchup? 0% of the time.” God, I love you Niecy Nash.
13. Yay for science in this show!! Iron in the heme groups!
14. “I love me some Arby’s.” That woman is a winner. Skinny bitches don’t eat.
15. Ok, big mistake. Chanel #2 was on Facebook in the pilot, not on twitter. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.
16. Oh god, I can’t believe I remembered that.
17. RIP Shondelle.
18. Why are the adults the only somewhat interesting and entertaining characters? Could they not afford better young actors?
19. After Ariana Grande died, I’m rooting for Grace to die next.
20. Sadly, I know that won’t happen.
21. “Hoes.” Hoes indeed.
22. Golf bro is wearing as ascot. Tragic, yet fitting.
23. Well, necrophilia is making a comeback in this episode.
24. Ah, ‘Scream Queens’, setting the standard for female self-esteem everywhere.
25. No lie, every time the writers mock psych majors, it makes me like this show a little.
26. Oh dear lord, that might be the worst obtuse “I love you” ever.
27. “Your boobs are symmetrical.” I’m taking notes on how to seduce women.
28. (869) is the area code of St. Kitts and Nevis.
29. Jamie Lee Curtis (JLC), my angel, save me from this drivel.
30. Mascot change? Let the Redskins know.
31. Coney, relatively not shock-tastic for Ryan Murphy.
32. Grace, no hat. Zayday, hat. I’m still convinced this has something to do with hats.
33. Charisma Carpenter, keepin’ it tight.
34. Chad, the new Cyrano.
35. Grace, hat. Asian lesbian, hat. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!
36. I’m going crazy.
37. Christ, Grace is a bad actress.
38. Kinda like that blazer though, dig the elbow patches.
39. If he doesn’t say ‘Casablanca’ fuck this guy.
40. ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, are you serious?
41. Okay, I hope he dies too now.
42. “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws in our past?” Aaaaand that’s we don’t take humanities.
43. Discuss it over salad, don’t move too quickly now lovebirds.
44. Pervy mascot.
45. Coney in one scene demonstrates more agility in a costume than all of the other victims combined.
46. RIP Coney.
47. Neckbrace put on a hat. I’m telling you, something about the hats!
48. Wait, was Coney technically wearing a hat?
49. If her closet is “the most precious thing” in her life, and she compares it to a “second vagina”, does that mean her real vagina is worth more or less than this closet?
50. I physically cringed at the utterance of the phrase “closet vag”.
51. Ugh, I hate myself for saying this, but I appreciate Emma Roberts pronouncing “Lanvin” (Lahn-van) correctly.
52. Ohhhh, a ‘She’s All That’ situation!
53. Ugh, the “mommy” thing is still not okay.
54. JLC and Nasim Pedrad in the Kappa House? I’m onboard with that.
55. JLC and Pedrad love triangle? Down with it.
56. Do earmuffs count as a hat?
57. Ok, Asian lesbian can’t act, Chanel #whatever at least has a schtick.
58. Charles Manson? Kind of a reach.
59. Alibibiddites is better than Alibuddies. Just my two cents.
60. Isn’t Lea Michele getting a makeover kind of done already? Wasn’t that what Glee was about? Literally.
61. No. I will take a hard pass on “Cocaine or Dildo”.
62. Mini club as a gavel. I’m okay with that.
63. I want Chad in a guest role for CSI.
64. “Take that to build a psychological profile.” That’s freshman psych major for you.
65. Gumshoe. The last time I heard that term was in Carmen Sandiego. Who would not doubt have caught the killer in 5 seconds.
66. BACKSTREET’S BACK ALRIGHT!!!!!!!
67. White guys destroy property, what did their college win a football game?
68. Wait, no, they’re all dressed in white, it’s a Klan rally.
69. Two Red Devils, I’m okay with this.
70. It’s just a flesh wound.
71. The prosthetics work is pretty horrible in this show.
72. “But you’re gonna be right on time for JUSTICE.” Niecy Nash, you can do no wrong as Denise.
73. #Cahoots. I need to use that more in my life.
74. Grandma. Chainsaw. Oh Denise, what have you done.
75. That’s some dressing collection there.
76. How to quickdraw a chainsaw.
77. JLC is delightful. 19th century homesteader indeed.
78. That sounds like the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
79. Whale distress calls, LOL.
80. I want that white noise machine in my life.
81. Slasher movie, oh Halloween reference for JLC.
82. That couch looks so comfortable.
83. YEAH GIGI!!!
84. I need all the adult characters to survive, it’s the only way I’m going to make it the full season.
85. You dumb dumb, Jamie Lee Curtis is not the killer. Too obvious. And you’re way too dumb.
Come again next week, and suffer through Scream Queens, like I do, every Tuesday. I think I’m slowly losing my mind watching this drivel.
THE MUPPETS Season 1, Episode 2
“Hostile Makeover”
AIR DATE: September 29, 2015
GRADE: A-
It’s a normal day at the production office for Up Late with Miss Piggy. A company birthday card for Sweetums is making the rounds, Bobo is selling cookies so that his daughter can have that prize mountain bike, and Piggy’s just a little upset. That last bit’s probably a problem because everyone and everything suffers when Piggy’s not a happy camper. “We’ve created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy’s moods,” Kermit tells the camera. “Green, she’s calm — but we’ve never been at green. Yellow, she’s in tears. Orange, I’m in tears.” The camera comes in on Kermit’s panicked face as he divulges the last level: “Red, she locks eyes with you, it’s already too late.”
Far too late: Piggy has an epic meltdown, trashing the office and destroying workers’ desks, criticizing them for having pens and highlighters and back-scratchers. She runs wild, demanding to know who replaced her thick-tip Sharpies with fine points. She can’t even be calmed down with cake — even when she eats it. Uncle Deadly speculates that it might be a result of how she looked in her new dress — until Scooter reveals that Piggy doesn’t have a date for The People’s Choice Awards.
On top of that, there’s nobody willing or available to be Piggy’s date. Keanu Reeves has “gained 100 pounds” because he’s shooting a biopic about a Hawaiian ukulele player and Scooter, who’s usually packed to the gills with ideas, is only able to recommend his optometrist as a potential candidate — though Scooter’s not quite sure if his optometrist is attractive enough. “My glasses aren’t very good,” he tells a perpetually exasperated Kermit.
What’s a frog to do?
Enter singer/entertainer Josh Groban who is the musical guest on Piggy’s next show.
Kermit’s hatched a plan for Groban and Piggy to fall in love during the taping of their duet together (in a bit that brings back those magical memories of The Muppet Show) — and, wouldn’t you know it: it’s a smashing success. After sharing an on-stage kiss (which should make everyone really, irrationally angry for some reason — and might I add: get over yourselves), Groban whisks Piggy away to the PCA’s and everything is right with the world. Piggy writes a beautifully poetic sentiment in Sweetums’ birthday card and compliments Beaker on his hair.
Kermit is absolutely thrilled that his plan worked and that, for the first time ever, they’re at a “Code Green”:
“Since they’ve been going out, I’ve been waking up to the sound of my alarm instead of my own screams!” Kermit even does his trademark, “YAY!”
Everything is right in the world…or so it seems.
Since Groban’s also a producer, he wants to make Piggy’s show “more sophisticated”, an idea Kermit entertains — until Piggy converts The Electric Mayhem into an acoustic jazz band (every member now wears a beret and Animal gently brushes the drums) because she thinks that her viewers need “a tranquil vibe — like a warm glass of milk”. “Tranquil”, they are. Statler and Waldorf are sound asleep.
“What was that one called?” Piggy asks the band after the re-join number.
“‘Dead Inside’ — we wrote it today.” Dr. Teeth groans, representing the rest of the band’s sentiments toward their “hip” musical re-birth.
Even her guests are more intelligent: historical biographer Reza Aslan joins the show — only to see Piggy belittle him for being creatively “lazy” because he “writes about things that happened” in his books instead of “using his imagination” like every other author. When Piggy tries to get on his level (she criticizes local libraries for “giving away his book for free”), Aslan is left completely speechless.
What’s a frog to do? This time, I mean?
Besides “flooring his studio golf cart” around the studio lot (it’s a 5 MPH zone but Kermit likes to go “6 or 7” when he’s frustrated), his only option is to get rid of that “horrible, evil, incredibly talented, velvet-throated piano god”, Josh Groban. This, despite the protests from the crew of Up Late due to the wonderfully positive feedback about Piggy’s recent behavior. But it won’t be easy: he practically controls the show, belittling Kermit for being a “swamp rat that nobody pays attention to” — yet, immediately makes it known to Kermit that he loves him. He’s just speaking for PIggy. He’s Josh Groban, after all.
“Hostile Makeover” sees The Muppets gaining some footing with an effort that is a huge improvement over last week due to a more loose and relaxed swagger. Gone is this alleged “assholish” version of the Muppets (and, strangely, Kermit’s girlfriend) that the Internet somehow had a complete terminal freak-out over and in its place stands a brand of Muppets that — surprise — have always existed. Even those criticizing this week’s B-story as weak and unnecessary might need a second viewing of this episode. Fozzie’s idolatry of Jay Leno seems like a forced plot element on the surface but, in reality, it works — not just because of the irony of the situation (Fozzie steals — then accidentally breaks — a crystal candy dish that Jay Leno had stolen from George Carlin years prior) or that we all identify with Fozzie’s failed desire to break into the comedy business via somebody who is a kindred spirit (this makes sense since they share the same goofy sense of humor) — It also has the benefit of indirectly setting up a great running joke involving Gonzo and his imperiled, ex-pat mother — which, quite literally, destroys a long-time fantasy involving Kermit and Lea Thompson in an elevator, tying the whole thing together with a Larry David-esque comical bow.
The tighter, smarter writing even serves to land the seemingly-maligned “mature” humor, something which should really be a non-issue since a) The Muppets have always catered to adults and b) their adult jokes are a reflection of the time in which they live, so when the times change, the Muppets adapt accordingly. That, in turn, results in one of the more touching parts of the episode: when the in-office cookie sales battle heats up and Bobo begins to eat all his own cookies in defeat after his sales plummet, Scooter suggests hitting up The Electric Mayhem since they’d probably be “happy to help out”.
“Yeah!” Bobo says. “Those guys are always happy!”
Scooter agrees, adding, “LEGALLY now!”
Cut to the band, munchies in full effect, noisily wolfing down all the cookies Bobo has to offer while Bobo counts a huge wad of cash.
“Forget the mountain bike,” he says. “My daughter’s gettin’ a Prius!”
Season 5 Episode 5: “The Dis-Engagement Party” Air Date: Monday, September 28, 2015
This Week on Awkward: While Matty and Jake rekindle their bromance, Tamara’s engagement crumbles to pieces.
There are twenty-four days left of senior year and Tamara still has not ended her fake engagement to her Marine fiance, Adam. Every time that she has planned to break up with Adam he exercised in front of her and she is now addicted to man sweat (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). Tamara lets Jenna know that there is an engagement party for the couple that night and that Jenna will be hosting and then swiftly departs. Jenna chases Tamara down only to find a handful of “Save the Dates” in Tamara’s bag:
Jenna: What is all this stuff? You had “Save the Dates” printed? Tamara: Get your hands off my STDs!
I often oscillate between whether or not I think Tamara’s acronyms and comments are over the top, but then she has a line like that and I remember she is just fucking gold.
Jenna arrives late to the party she is hosting severely under-dressed and bearing a half eaten pie of pizza.
Most visually unappetizing pizza ever?
In case you forgot, Brian was that army bro that Jenna met on Spring Break, dated for a hot second and then dumped because he was incredibly boring. Jenna is angry and surprised that the her ex-boyfriend who is the BEST FRIEND OF THE GROOM dared to come to the engagement party and starts a “woe is me” rant. She decides that her mission for the rest of the party is to bitch to herself about how hard her life is while showing as little enthusiasm as possible for the happy couple.
Matty comes to the party with Sadie and Sergio as his plus two. I was really hoping that Matty would bring his new bestie Kyle to the party, and Kyle would be wearing his “Jenna Lives” t-shirt, but I could never complain about having more Sadie on screen, so I will give Matty a pass. Two seconds later, Jake barges into the party with Gabby and while everyone cowers in awkwardness of this situation, Sadie’s face lights up with glee.
Jenna goes to the kitchen to contemplate how hard it is for her to keep Tamara’s secret and decides that her best bet of surviving this party is to avoid Adam altogether. Just then Adam pops up by her right next to her and the two start to chat. Every sentence that comes out of Jenna’s mouth passive aggressively insinuates that this engagement is a farce. Adam says “I don’t want to plan too far ahead” to which Jenna responds “That’s a good plan!” Jenna removes herself from this awkward conversation only to start an even more uncomfortable one with Gabby.
Gabby: The idea of spending a whole night with my ex who I cheated on with my current boyfriend who once dated both of the girls throwing this party? Yeah, I don’t drink often, but tonight I did a little pre-gaming.
Gabby continues on by telling Jenna she knows a secret about Matty, but before she can spit it out Adam interrupts the two and Gabby scurries off. You would think that hearing about how this party is basically a nightmare of the exes for Gabby would give Jenna some perspective, but it does not. Instead, Jenna heads upstairs to drink wine in her room alone and is interrupted by a drunk Gabby who is noshing Three Bean Salad. Instantly, Jenna forgets about her lying hardship and insists that Gabby reveal that Matty secret. Gabby tells her that Matty loves Jenna, but Jenna doesn’t know whether or not to believe her. Jenna’s mission for the night has officially changed to confirming whether or not Matty McKibben is still in love with her. Seriously, could Jenna be any more self-centered this episode? I am not complaining, Selfish Jenna is entertaining, but Jenna is giving Aria Montgomery a run for her money on being the most self-absorbed character on TV.
Jenna finds Matty sitting outside by himself and as soon as she sits down he says “I really messed things up, we were really good together.” Jenna, of course, thinks that Matty is referring to their relationship, but then Matty says that he thinks he really loves him. It is pretty obvious that he is talking about Jake but in a brotherly way, not a romantic way, which he feels the need to clarify. After Jenna says that Matty should go tell Jake how he feels, Matty says he will be pissed if she tells anyone that he said he loved Jake. I really wished they didn’t put that line in. Why is it okay for these two to be voted “Best Bromance” but it is not okay for anyone to know that Matty said he loved Jake? Why is it not okay for a guy to admit loving his male best friend as a best a friend? No one would bat an eye if Jenna said that about Tamara.
Matty goes to find Jake and the two make up, and this dialogue, below is actually verbatim:
Matty: Listen, I messed everything up. Jake: It’s okay. Don’t, I kinda. Matty: Dude let me finish. Jake: We both did some stuff… Matty: You know how I. I mean you and me. Jake: You don’t have to. Matty: I want to. Jake: Bro I know, it’s chill. Matty: We chill? Jake: Yeah totally. Matty: Good cause, I… Jake: I know. But, and I… Matty: Yeah, I know
They then pound it out. Fist pound it out I mean. Is there a way to write that sentence without it sounding sexual? I cannot tell if I find this conversation touching or infuriating. On one hand, it can be read is as these two friends that know each other so well they just know what the other is feeling. On the other hand, I get the feeling that they are scared to say what they feel for each other as friends out loud, because that would be unacceptable. It is okay for them to feel this way about each other, but it is not okay to talk about it and that is a shame. If your best friend isn’t someone you care about and trust and love, then why are they your best friend? And why is it not okay for these two guys to say it out loud?
Back to the party, it is time for Jenna to give her Maid of Honor speech, which she was just informed about. She starts talking about how, some people might call what Tamara and Adam are doing stupid but you know, love is love and maybe there is love at first sight. She then focuses her gaze on Matty and decides to kamikaze this already sinking toast by subtly (read: not subtly) making the rest of the speech about her and Matty. Brian runs up, grabs the mic from Jenna and yells out “Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” Just kidding, Jenna was not holding a mic. But in all honesty, Brian saves Jenna from herself by taking over the speech and wishing Adam and Tamara a happy life together. A phrase that normal people use in engagement speeches and a phrase Jenna was apparently incapable of saying.
Brian confronts Jenna after the speech asking why she is being such a bitch while also making constipated faces at Tamara and Adam all night. The pressure of being such a good friend and keeping Tamara’s secret to herself becomes too much, and Jenna yells out to the whole party that the engagement is a sham, and that T does not love Adam. When Adam asks T if this is true, she is unable to deny it and he storms off, essentially breaking off the engagement. Everyone at the party is in shock and awe, and of course Sadie’s face lights up like a Christmas Tree.
After everyone leaves, Jenna tries to console Tamara. T realizes that she really did love Adam which leads to one of my favorite Tamara quotes:
Tamara: I love Adam. I might love wedding planning but I can love Adam, too. I have enough love in my heart for both.
The fact that she puts her love for her fiance and the act of wedding planning on the same level is just amazing. Her emotions are everywhere, she is pissed at Jenna and herself, but mostly Jenna, but mostly herself, and she is scared that she just let the love of her life walk out of her life.
In Sadie News:
Sadie and Sergio get in a fight about about what marriage. To Sergio, marriage signifies the ultimate love between two people. For Sadie, marriage signifies two people that hate each other so much one is willing to get arrested to get away from the other. The two realize that they are very different but still love each other, and then have sex on Jenna’s parents bed.
Sadie Quote of the Week:
Sadie: I am totally using that, along with IBS. Sergio: What is that? Sadie: Irritable Bowel… let’s not talk about it, I might want to have sex again later.
Have you seen the new X-Files revival trailers yet? Is it giving you warm fuzzy feelings to see Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Cigarette Smoking Man back in action?
The X-Files returns January 24, 2016 with a two hour season premiere on FOX. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson reprise their iconic roles as Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Joining them are Mitch Pileggi (FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner), William B. Davis (Cigarette Smoking Man), and Annabeth Gish (Monica Reyes), along with new cast members including Joel McHale, Robbie Amell, Alan Dale, Lauren Ambrose, and Kumail Nanjiani.
Series creator Chris Carter will be penning and directing three of the six episodes with show veterans Darin Morgan, Glen Morgan, and James Wong writing/directing the remaining.
Is everyone excited yet? January needs to hurry up!
PLAYING HOUSE Season 2, Episode 8
“Celebrate Me Scones”
Air Date: September 8, 2015
GRADE: A-
Having already tackled the Emma/Mark/Rabbi Dan love triangle in “Officer of the Year” and putting us through the emotional wringer, Playing House rewards us with one of the best episodes of the series’ run thus far. It’s been a year since we were first introduced to the wacky duo of Emma and Maggie as they sang their way down Downtown Pinebrook, blasting Kenny Loggins’ “Celebrate Me Home” and singing along at the top of their lungs while Emma “used Maggie’s boob as a microphone” to really hit those high notes. And why the hell not? “Kenny Loggins is the soundtrack of our lives,” Emma says to Maggie after taking a jog down memory lane courtesy of Zach who found old footage of Emma and Maggie grooving to Loggins’ “Footloose” in their front yard.
When we last left Emma and Maggie, Emma was reeling from her break-up with Rabbi Dan and, simultaneously, getting shot down by Mark. What could be worse than Mark not returning her phone calls and breaking a nice guy’s heart? “I saw Rabbi Dan at the gym,” Zach tells Emma after she surmises that Rabbi Dan is probably crying himself to sleep each night. “He seems to be doing fine.” All Emma can do is sigh — until Maggie and Zach drop a bombshell on Emma to cheer her up: Kenny Loggins is coming into town — and they’ve got tickets to go. Maggie’s excitement might be a little greater than her best friend’s: she told Loggins about how special Emma is to her and Loggins was so touched, he’s going to dedicate a song to Emma. Of course, it’s not so simple: Zach doesn’t actually have tickets because Loggins “appeared shirtless on Kathy Lee & Hoda” and the tickets sold out in under an hour. “I know the man is in the autumn of his life,” Zach tells his sister. “but when that linen came off, it sure felt like summer.”
Even Zach’s attempt at obtaining tickets, via a scalper (Stephnie Weir), doesn’t work. “If you can’t trust a scalper named ‘Jeanine Willcall’, who can you trust?” Zach ponders after “Jeanine” makes off with a bunch of their cash and leaves them coupons for Chuck E. Cheese in exchange. So, it’s up to the trio to get themselves in because Maggie’s pissed — and she’s not listening to Kenny from the parking lot. Emma begs Maggie not to do anything rash…but it’s far too late: Ol’ Bosephus is back again — much to Emma’s dismay — and he’s got a plan to get everyone in as roadies doing some heavy-lifting.
While Zach bonds and flirts with the band’s guitarist (Pamela Adlon of Showtime’s Californication) over their mutual love of playing music and their band war stories, Emma and Maggie find themselves bringing one of Kenny Loggins’ favorite snacks (“Ants on a Loggins” — I kid you not) to his dressing room in one of the funniest moments the show has to offer. Aside from the entire room being adorned in sheepskin, nearly everything is either named for one of Kenny’s songs or is a play on his name. The door to his dressing room? “This Is It”. The food? “I’m All Rice”, “Caddy Snacks”, “Foot Juice” and, of course, “Celebrate Me Scones”. The bathroom? Why, “Pooh Corner”, of course.
But all their schoolgirl fan worship takes a backseat when they actually come face-to-face with Loggins, himself, whose initial reaction is to toss them out of his green room after Maggie reveals that she’s not actually a man. All’s well that ends well, however: Mark (who has been under deep cover trying to bust Jeanine Willcall’s “scalper ring”) frees the ladies from the arena holding cell — and they end up on Loggins’ tour bus post-concert. Zach, it seems, has an in with Loggins through Pam and he’s cleared up the whole misunderstanding.
In a wonderful exchange, Loggins reveals that he was incredibly touched by Maggie’s letter and that, since they missed the concert and couldn’t hear him sing, he owes them a song. The sing-along to Loggin’s acoustic version of “Celebrate Me Home” couldn’t be a better or more fitting climax to this episode or, if the series doesn’t see a third year, to the series, itself.
With “Celebrate Me Scones”, USA’s Playing House comes full circle. There are some flaws (notably, the fact that everything with Mark remains frustratingly unresolved and all we get is a tiny little hint near the end that they finally may work things out) but, when the main story and overall theme is this good, it’s hard to complain. The friendship between Maggie and Emma has always been the backbone of the show and the clever plotline which brings the seemingly-immortal Kenny Loggins into the picture is executed with such wit, humor and charm, that one cannot possibly dislike anything they’ll see here.
QUANTICO Season 1, Episode 1 “Run” AIR DATE: September 27, 2015 GRADE: B-
With all the public interest in shows about secret agents and law enforcement types, ABC attempts to show us what it’s like for the most recent trainees of the FBI Academy, “Quantico”.
The show opens with a disaster, a’la 9/11: New York’s been bombed and sirens are wailing. Of course, the show jumps back in time to show us how we got here, taking us to the home of Alex (Priyanka Chopra), a Middle Eastern woman, who is running late for the biggest job of her professional career. When a cab arrives, she tells the driver she’s going to the airport — and crumples up a train ticket. We see her on a plane she flirts with Ryan (Jake McLaughlin), a young guy sitting across the aisle from her. They share a drink and both lie about who they are and where they are going. When we next see them, they’re having sex in his car — and she ends up knowing everything about him anyhow. She’s just not “into him”.
We learn right away that Alex is sassy and doesn’t take guff from anyone. That, and everyone’s got secrets — but more on that in a few. The show features an ensemble cast, so we get our normal diverse stereotype fritatta: the dude-bro, Caleb (Graham Rogers), the gay recruit, Simon (Tate Ellignton), the handsome Mormon, Eric (Brian J. Smith), the perky blonde Shelby (Johanna Braddy), and token Muslim recruit, Nimah (Yasmine Al Massri) among others. The whole teaching division is run by Liam O’Conner (Josh Hopkins) who was assigned the class by Miranda Shaw (Aunjanue Ellis). We learn that Liam’s an alcoholic who used to have a romantic relationship with Miranda and that this class is his “last chance”, just in case you haven’t knocked out those tropes on your “Quantico” bingo card yet.
This is all sauce for the goose as we’re told, by Miranda, that the terrorists are often those you least suspect or they’re somebody you’ve already met. These profiles include “a stranger or a one-night stand you may have had” which is meant to foreshadow the attack we’ve already seen but also comes across as slightly ridiculous. The show doesn’t stop there with it’s “oh come on” moments. As is custom, the recruits are given credentials, phony guns (for the purpose of getting used to the weight of a firearm on their hip) and “gender-neutral outfits” consisting of matching polo shirts and khaki pants — but Alex is sassy sexy and gurl has bewbz, so she makes sure that nearly every button of her top is opened up, teasing the goods. She even reveals to everyone that her and Ryan got it on before they got to Quantico for no other reason other than to be sassy and annoying.
The pilot episode is mainly about the dark secrets that otherwise normal people hide from others. As such, their first assignment as recruits? Each of them has to pick a folder from the tables in front of them. The folder is the FBI file on each recruit and contains one redacted item. It’s the recruits’ jobs to figure out what that redacted item might be. This would be believable if you can forgive the fact that this is the FBI who should already know these secrets and wouldn’t leave it to students to humiliate other students. This unfortunate point is actually driven home when Caleb, who is near-failing in the Academy, taunts Eric with his “secret”. Eric is uneasy as Caleb continues to hound him and, eventually, shoots himself when Caleb threatens to come forward with it during their one-on-one. Packer, as it turns out, knocked up a 14-year-old Malawian girl and she got an illegal abortion.
And Mormons thought the “magical underwear” bit in the episode was “offensive”. Sheesh.
Simon, who is hyper-observant, has a thing for Nimah and, having spent some time in Palestine (despite a really Conservative upbringing), questions her about why she pins her hijab to the left and, sometimes, to the right. Nimah evades the line of questioning — but we later learn that she has a twin sister in Raina, thus the reason for the direction of their head-wear. How did twins get by the FBI? Who knows. There’s a lot this show asks you to forgive and forget. Interrogating others with one class on the subject? Not a problem. Shelby’s parents being a victim of the 9/11 attacks? All right. Interesting — except when she reveals that she “has a piece of one of the planes”, and you’re already face-palming since, y’know, that’s evidence in a major terrorist attack.
Alex’s secret, as it turns out, is that she shot her Dad when she was very young. Ryan doesn’t divulge this during their “session”. She confesses this later to O’Conner. Her father was an FBI agent and she came to Quantico to get the truth behind her father and his secret life. Ryan, meanwhile, is already an agent. He feels terrible about tricking Alex and lying to her but O’Conner doesn’t care. He just orders Ryan to keep doing what he’s doing and to “not sleep with her again”, which is weirdly ironic for an organization who encourages its own trainees to do anything they can to learn each others’ secrets.
After everyone learns each other’s dark secrets, Miranda spins it all the only way she knows how: she tells them they need to know the truth about themselves to get the truth about others which is absolute bullshit masquerading as “wisdom”, but the show’s not done: FBI agents raid Alex’s apartment where they find explosives and Ryan lying in blood and, for some reason, they allow her watch all this via live-steam on a laptop because fuck judicial protocol. They arrest her and toss her into a police van — but hold on a second! Miranda’s at the wheel and she’s gotten rid of the van’s co-pilot. She tells Alex that Alex is being framed and that she needs to find the truth about what’s going on. She gives Alex the keys to her cuffs, and a bag of clothes so nobody will recognize her. Oh, wait…
That’s seriously the last shot of the show. It’s done in slow-mo as if Chopra is modeling for a fashion magazine. She not only walks directlyinto the crowd of people who just saw her escape from an FBI van, she also walks right by FBI agents all streaming towards the scene. Agents who knows what she looks like. Agents who are well-trained. Agents who don’t recognize her because she’s wearing “certain stuff”.
Quantico is fun fluff, much like the thrill rides Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder from ABC’s Shonda Rhimes. This is a seriesthat you really want to like if it weren’t for the moments that make you want to yell at your screen and throw something across the room. The plotting comes at the viewer hard and fast and gives you no time to breathe or think. That last part’s important because, ultimately, what we’re watching is extremely dumb when you turn your brain on.
